Really upset, DP out of a job or working away, just need to get it down on cry on some virtual shoulders

[Mumblesmummy]

Hi I just need to get this down as I'm flapping.

My DP got a job last month with VERY long hours but it means we'll be able to manage (which is more than we have for a while), and we'll be fine when I have our baby in 3 months. We should be getting on track, and coping nicely by then as we've worked out our finances.

The other day my DP rang his boss and asked that he is definately guaranteed work when they move from where they are at the moment. He was promised that he would be guaranteed work in the area and everything would be fine, so not to worry. We were very happy, despite the fact he's working 98 hours a week, we still see each other and we're less stressed due to money.

So we took out a loan of a couple of grand in my name (Dp has bad credit from a few years ago in a previous relationship). We bought a car which we LOVE and wrote every last penny of our money down so we know how we'll cope. All good so far.

So today DP goes to work and gets a phone call from his boss saying it doesn't look like there's any work here and the closest place they'll be working is MILES away. I mean MILES.

DP and I are like TOTALLY inseperable. We're very lovely dovey and we spend every minute together that we're not working. The baby's like a huge blessing to us, we're due to get married next year and we're just generally happy. However, I've come to realise that we rely on each other for everything. It's lovely as it totally works and we never let each other down, it just all fits together nicely.

So when they move to MILES away, I'll be about a month from giving birth, which I just can't do without DP there, and then we'll have a baby to cope with.

Now we've taken out the loan we can't manage without him working, we really can't... but he can't go and work miles away when we're about to have a baby either.

I don't know what to do.

I spoke to my dad and I was in a flap already, and he just seemed to play devils advocate and said 'well he has to do what he has to do. I worked away when you were a baby so he'll just have to won't he. If he can't be there at the birth and there when the baby's little then he just can't.' DPs a proper family man and it would absolutely break his heart, as well as mine.

What on earth can we do???

How far away is 'Miles'? I don't know what your situation is, but is moving closer to your DPs new job possible??

Poor you. If I was your dp I would be applying for loads of jobs asap. The only thing I can think of is that he gets a different one... is this possible?

Your dad sounds like he is just trying to gee you up btw - he did it himself (a long time ago, so his memories of whether he found it hard are not that fresh) - he prob just doesn't see what a big deal it is for you both. Trying to help I'm sure.

Meant to say I would feel the same as you. We discussed various options when dh came to the end of his contract recently, and his working away is not an option for us.

Miles is like... a huge chunk of map.. I'm so crap with geography, I'm not sure. We're in North West and this job is in Scotland (it doesn't sound so far but it's way too far. He couldn't even come home at weekends because they have him working stupid hours and shifts). I suppose it'd be about 3 hours away atleast.. maybe 4 or 5 .

We can't move closer as we're in a new lease on a house (6 months). That was my immediate thought too. Also, our families are both here.

He was trying to get a job for ages before this one came up so I'm really sceptical, but I HOPE he can get one. He's starting to look tomorrow. It's not too likely though as there's no work round here at the mo. We're out of the way.

They've said there's a potential lower paid job 2 hours away which is a little better, but he still couldn't come home at weekends or anything so I'd never see him and he's miss the birth and everything, and he'll totally miss out on our baby...

...urgh...sobbing away here

Hormones arn't helping.

Poor you! Wish I had some practical suggestions. That sounds like a really hard situation. The job that he has sounds very full on, 98 hour weeks and shifts and stuff obviously don't leave much time for visiting home. I obviously don't know what type of work he does (and it sounds like the work's been very hard to come by), but is there any way that the boss could be more flexible with the hours around the time that the baby's due? Isn't it illegal to expect someone to work that many hours a week? And is he entitled (legally) to any paternity leave? I imagine that it's not the sort of job where that is looked on very kindly, but it seems so unfair that he'd be expected by his boss and workmates to not be able to support you when you have the baby.

Unfortunately he's not entitled to paternity leave as he hasn't worked for them long enough. I don't think it'd illegal for them to expect him to work that many hours, but it is illegal that they range from day to night shifts, so he can't have a proper sleeping pattern.

His boss has just said that he knows he can't work away because he's got me and that's life- which i think is so unfair. It wouldn't have been so bad had his boss not made all these promises.

I'm totally at a loss. I don't know what to do. I know I wouldn't cope without him being here with me

I know there's no perfect answer, but I just need to have a whinge about it and see if anyone can throw in any siggestions of what might be the best thing to do...

mm- you have my sympathy, you really do. Was in a similar situation to you, last year.
Without knowing what your dp does its difficult to make any suggestions. It does sound as if your dp's boss has counted out of the picture for the move to scotland anyway.
Could he accept the job two hours away (for the time being). You would at least get evenings together that way? He would need to focus at the same time on finding soemthing else.
Only other option would be to move with work? But that would mean leaving family and friends I presume.

Can't you try your best for the 6months lease that's left on the house & then plan to move closer to where dp will be working.

I think you really need to look at the bigger picture here, there are lots of men that work away from their wives & children week in & week out. I know it's hard but this might help you become a little more independent, it's not healthy to rely on one person for so much all the time

Now that I've calmed down about the whole thing we're making steps.

He's got an interview next week, and I've got the possibility of a new job in September which I'm feeling really positive about, so hopefully all will be ok.

As he works 90 hours a week (12 hour shifts day and night- it's not run very well) he wouldn't get the chance to come home. So if he has to take the job, when I have the baby we'll be bale to go up and see him now and again.

It's really weird that I've come to rely on him as I lived on my own for 3 and a half years and loved it. I did everything myself and did whatever I wanted to do.. I think my priorities just changed all together when i got pregnant. Plus with us both working a lot, we just help the other one out so I think that's why the routine has fit together.

I'm sure something will come up and I'm not panicking as much as I was because I'm praying he'll get this new job with better pay and we'll be fine.

Thanks for all the advice very much appreciated.
xx