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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

I am a horrible wife.

19 replies

Fallin · 09/11/2022 22:58

Apologise in advance this might be a huge ramble.

I have always been the decision maker in my marriage of 10years and I think it has made me resentful towards my husband, now when he does try to make decisions or take control over something I am critical of every move he makes.

He dotes on me, and is always kind and supportive helps around the house etc but would never sort anything out or make a decision just bury his head in the sand, he got us into a lot of debt more than once that I had to work hard to sort, I am the default parent & breadwinner (although not in a stressful job) It has dawned on me that I am picking at every thing he does! I correct him when he talks over people - which he does constantly! I shhh him when he talks to loud, I have even mocked him when he made phone calls because he kinda rambles through it - he works in a trade not ever with phones.

There is more examples but the long and short of it is I am belittling him, putting him down and being plain mean every day. He doesn't deserve it, he is a great dad and husband, is there some sort of therapy I can get? Does this stem from me being really controlling?

I 100% know I am being a huge d#%k how do I work on this? I have tried to just be nicer or keep quiet it isn't working there is something underlying here? Resentment or control or narcissism. Is this fixable?!!!

OP posts:

strawberriesplease · 09/11/2022 23:01

Oh my lovely, you do it because you're resentful and also don't respect him.

He is like another child.

He has to change for you to change but I doubt that will happen

RishisProudMum · 09/11/2022 23:02

It would appear that you don’t like your husband very much. I don’t blame you, as he sounds a bit shit, tbh.

Thatskindafun · 09/11/2022 23:03

You both need to change at the same time
he won’t feel confident to make decisions with you belittling him
and you won’t respect him if he can’t make decisions or act like a partner

you need to talk to him

BitOutOfPractice · 09/11/2022 23:06

It sounds like you’ve both sort of slipped into parent child rather than partner roles.

he sounds annoyingly passive but tbh if you shh him and laugh at him publicly I’m not surprised.

Doorpalms · 09/11/2022 23:06

It’s because you don’t love him you think of him like a child.

OverTheRubicon · 09/11/2022 23:07

It's good you are noticing this - a narcissist wouldn't, btw. My family members have a really similar dynamic, it only gets worse, and the person in your role has ended up being so bitter and angry, it's so sad.

Counselling can help a lot, including dealing with resentment and maybe what is the right path forward. Couples if you can, or otherwise alone

BattenburgSlice · 09/11/2022 23:08

Tbf I’m a bit like this but I’ve got ADHD but I love my DP and he accepts it’s part of my difference

TheMorigoul · 09/11/2022 23:09

Yeah you've lost respect for him - because of his head burying and passivity. Some men leave everything to their wives like she is their second mother and then wonder why the relationship fails.

It's not an excuse to keep treating him this way but it's easy to see why it's happened.

Original poster

Fallin · 09/11/2022 23:10

BitOutOfPractice · 09/11/2022 23:06

It sounds like you’ve both sort of slipped into parent child rather than partner roles.

he sounds annoyingly passive but tbh if you shh him and laugh at him publicly I’m not surprised.

I agree, I think we are in a vicious circle he can't make a decision because I am lurking ready to belittle... Then I don't respect him because he can't make the decision and I belittle.

OP posts:

OverTheRubicon · 09/11/2022 23:12

Also occured to me - talking over people, being loud and struggling with debt, decision making and phone calls are all very typical of people with ADHD and/or who are autistic.

It's also common for neurodivergent people to be on the receiving end of abusive behaviour (I realise you regret it, and don't want to do it, and he might well try the patience of a saint, but if these things are as relentless as you say, the behaviour really is far from ok).

If this might be the case, looking into assessment or sympathetic counselling/support for him could also make a major difference. Even if assessment is going to be hard due to waiting lists and money, if he identifies with it there are also good books about how to manage, and also about relationships.

Marmitemother · 09/11/2022 23:15

You will drive him away by being controlling and basically a bully.

You've acknowledged you need help which is a start. Please seek counselling as with DC you cannot have a toxic home environment.

What do you think makes you behave like this? Hormones? Resentment, disappointment in your marriage or stress? Try counting to 3 before you respond to him, asking yourself if you would welcome being spoken to or treated in the same way.

Original poster

Fallin · 09/11/2022 23:16

OverTheRubicon · 09/11/2022 23:12

Also occured to me - talking over people, being loud and struggling with debt, decision making and phone calls are all very typical of people with ADHD and/or who are autistic.

We have two children one with Autism & the other with ADHD so I have considered that it is likely one of us could be neurodivergent.

Embarrassingly I am acting like a bully.

OP posts:

Puppers · 09/11/2022 23:17

Sounds to me like you have no respect for him because essentially he’s another child in the house (you earn more than him, do all his life admin/social stuff, pick up all his slack at home). If I was going to do a bit of armchair psychology, I’d guess that you’re either subconsciously punishing him because you resent him and/or you’re trying to goad him into a reaction because you want him to show a bit of backbone and strength.

You do need to stop treating him that way because it’s wrong, but he also needs to pull his weight and be an adult and an equal partner.

Soonenough · 09/11/2022 23:21

Snap. I am like you OP. Could never delegate anything to him,embarrassed for him in public , crap with money. Lost all respect for him. Then I would be frustrated and angry. And didn't like myself as I was not nice.All others could see was me being angry and mean. Felt sorry for him . He is an Ex now due to his cheating. Wonder if people reckon I deserved it.

monsteramunch · 09/11/2022 23:24

You're bullying him.

Gutting for him, shame inducing for you, damaging for your children.

Nobody is winning here.

You're always the one in control you say, so take control here, end the relationship and focus on co-parenting.

Jellybean23 · 09/11/2022 23:31

Over time, the way you treat your husband has become a habit but habits can be broken or changed!

You need to have a heart to heart with him and be open and honest that you don't feel good about the way you have treated him. Try to explain why you think this has happened and agree areas where he could take control. Say you want to trust him but you need him to show that he does tasks he says he will.

His self esteem must be at rock bottom so praise him where you can. A little goes a long way. Don't go overboard, just little things. Try to say something positive at least once a day. He will gradually gain confidence, you will feel better about yourself and your marriage has a chance of becoming healthy again.

UmmmmBS · 20/07/2025 04:52

Well, quit being ungrateful and selfish. Tell him what you need from him and help him achieve it. You selfish and ungrateful.

Bigmothahen · 20/07/2025 05:08

You've got good self awareness - thumbs up from me as many lack this nowadays.

You've got into the habit of mothering your husband, as others have also pointed out.

Based off assumptions here... If he makes a decision you don't approve of, you enforce an alternative and overrule his. It's likely he doesn't stand his ground on the decisions he attempts to make because he's ridiculed, so allowing you to take over is easier than doubting his own every move.

I only say this because I'm speaking from experience being caught at the other end.

You're not a narcissist but sounds like you prefer to be in control. Being in control gives you power - that being influence over your husband. It's definitely something that can be fixed, but not easily (especially given you've had this habit for 10 years and habits are hard to break!).

You're already self aware enough to recognize something needs to change so I don't think therapy is needed. I think you'll already start to look at ways to let go of complete control yourself through your own research. You sound proactive enough to do this. Good luck!

mrsnoodle55 · 20/07/2025 06:56

My sister lives your dynamic. In her case it’s developed through her exasperation with her (clearly non-diagnosed but glaringly obvious) autistic husband, coupled with her existing slightly controlling personality.

She nit picks, comments, belittles and comments on everything he does. His reactions have fed the fire- instead of telling her to just back off (which I do, when she tries it with me) he simmers along with it, then bickers back….. and on it goes. He is fundamentally a nice man, but his autistic traits are also very difficult to live with I can imagine. Unfortunately he is totally against any professional diagnosis or help.

She has become more like this over the years. Now it’s almost entrenched in her personality-which is sad, as she never used to be like this. More sadly, her daughter now also speaks to her Dad in the same tone.

She knows she does it- like yourself. She says she doesn’t like doing it, then carries on the same. Watching with interest if you manage to change your dynamic. Wishing you luck.

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