To stay or leave

[Devonchick75]

I am looking for some advice.
ideally from people who have been successful in saving their marriage. I know many arent

back story - me and my husband have been together for 10 years. At the start he was still seeing another woman (first week or so) we weren’t official so I decided to let it go.

i have found some inappropriate messages on his phone to females (you look hot etc)

I have just found out he’s cheated on me. He has kissed a girl 5 times over the last 2.5 years and on the last time she wanted him off. She has FaceTimed him whilst playing with herself as well.

my First reaction was that it’s over - but other than this we have a wonderful family unit. 2 beautiful children and our relationship is 90% good.

we’ve had our fair of issues thrown at us,

• his dad has been in a care home with dementia and passed 4 months ago
• weve had to enter an iva
• his eldest son cut contact for a few years

I am by no means making excuses - but I do not know what to do.
he is begging me to go to marriage counselling- has said he will go to individual counselling as well

Do I try and fight for our family. Or will it never work?

sorry it’s long!

Your initial reaction I,e it’s over was and remains the correct one.

2.5 years (at the very least) is hardly a drunken one night mistake.

I think your initial reaction is the best one.

I'd also be inclined to believe there's more. This is only what you've found out so far.

He only kissed someone five times over 2.5 years, pull the other one, it’s got bells on! Sorry, but he’s telling you as little as he can get away with to save his own behind. There’s a lot going on here.

I'd take this to the just found out thread in surviving infidelity. There are some brilliant posters on there that can help you unpick all of this. It's free. It's just a support forum.

I stayed, it was the RIGHT move for me and I am very happy, it is possible, but it involves a huge amount of work from the cheat. SI website can help you see whether your husband is a candidate or not, the wealth of experience there is fantastic!

Tbh I agree with an above poster I think you've heard the bare minimum. These things are rarely just kisses, or just a few sexts.

I'd be demanding full disclosure and transparency, access to devices to double check, you can't move on not knowing what exactly you're working with.

Thank you. I was hoping to hear from someone with first hand experience.

I have made him call the girl whilst I am stood there and I have heard her reactions - I told him to tell her he told me that they’d had sex (although he still denies it) she sounded very angry and asked why he’d lied about it. Why he said they’d had sex when they hadn’t - so I guess that’s something?

I just can’t believe he hurt the kids like this. I can get over my own pain but it’s the kids

Nah it’s not one mistake is it, then he realised what an idiot he was and rededicated himself to the marriage
its 5 times over a long period of time and it’s escalated
he only cares now because he got caught so now it effects him

where were you when he was watching her live sex show? Sorting your kids?

i couldn’t trust him, and I couldn’t feel safe with him.
i feel your dilemma because you could minimise it to ‘it’s just a kiss are you really gonna break your whole family up over a kiss that he regrets, it’s not even sex’
but it wouldn’t be you doing it, he broke you up, and it’s not just a kiss, it’s multiple times, it’s more, and it’s a betrayal

I think it depends how genuinely remorseful he is. is he prepared to do anything and everything to prove he can be trusted? Will he be totally honest about what happened and why?

Its a lot to cope with given the period of time and strongly suspect there is more to it. Trouble is they often do it again.

So he's still lying?

Of course he is. Five kisses over two years. Of course he's done more. He's had sex with her. Does none of this turn your stomach?

The problem is you mention about the kids. What is best for them? To have two deeply unhappy parents? You want them to see this and mirror this dynamic in their relationships as they get older?

If you stay you're teaching them this is all perfectly fine. Plenty of posts of here of women worn down to a shadow. Constantly doubting their partners. But living with it because they think it's best for their kids.

Your kids need happy stable parents. Are you able to be like this if you are constantly doubting your cheating partner?

Personally I think affairs will always have a detrimental affect on the relationship if you stay. The ONLY way it would work was if there was full transparency and honesty. You don't have that here.