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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Does this sound like cheating or something else

11 replies

alottea · 09/11/2022 18:51

First of all he has been living in another country for ages, very different time zone, and Ive never been abroad. He is due back soon. I knew it would be less likely he be able to get out of date nights in person as wed be living together. But I told him I think hes cheating, broke up with him the other day and now we arent talking. I would've waited to see if this is just how he is now, see if I could find out more, but I was too miserable, couldnt be bothered and didn't really want to see him after everything. I just wasnt happy. I stayed for so long because I felt some kind of hope.

He wasnt always like this. Hes had no time for me apparently since June. At first he was very promising that we would still spend time together, but it kind of just, evaporated. He would not show up to the plans I made, with no warning. He would say, wed do something, he wouldnt show up. It was really frustrating looking forward to something to the lead up and it not happening, especially literally every time. I know he hasnt been prioritising me at all.

I never got his one on one attention. Video calls we would just stare at eachother he was clearly still busy on other things to do with his phone swiping and tapping and didnt last long. Asked what he was doing, "nothing". messaging, hed leave the conversation after every message and come back a minute later, minutes later, or hours later. Never a "live" chat, and he didnt stay for long. I was interested in him and his life, but he wouldnt tell me anything. He just avoided it, or was very vague, like "it was good."Pressing for more details made him leave. He sounded off too. I tried at first to see if he was going through things but he wouldnt tell me anything, hed just avoid it and if i pressed hed leave, every time. I wasnt sure about this though because if he was cheating could he not have just made something up.

I could see when he was last online, in the middle of night for him. Whos he staying up for, cant be men. I confronted him and he apparently he isnt talking to anyone besides his male friends. Who does that?

I suggested counselling, he said no, too expensive. I suggested ones for free and he got mad that I wanted to share our problems with someone else. I asked if he wanted to break up, which just made him angry and not speak to me for a week.

He will come back but we wont be in the same place. I know we haven't spoken since and may never see each other again. It feels very weird to just go cold turkey. Somehow I feel empty

OP posts:
Naunet · 09/11/2022 20:05

Have you ever met in person? I’m not clear on if you had a relationship prior to him going abroad.

Either way I think you’ve made the right call, cheating or not, he wasn’t showing any respect or consideration for you.

tunthebloodyalarmoff · 09/11/2022 20:15

I don't think he is interested. Was this ever a proper relationship?

alottea · 09/11/2022 20:42

not a proper relationship I didnt feel like he was really interested either but why did he drag it out then what happened

OP posts:
Naunet · 09/11/2022 20:46

alottea · 09/11/2022 20:42

not a proper relationship I didnt feel like he was really interested either but why did he drag it out then what happened

In that case, I think he’s been stringing you along. He might be married and wanted his ego stroked, or maybe was never coming back to the Uk but wanted your attention. Whatever his reasons, he’s not given you the full story and you deserve better.
You haven’t sent him any money have you?

determinedtomakethiswork · 09/11/2022 20:59

He's had no time for me apparently since June.

This says it all. How can you be bothered with him? Let him go and move on with your life. You deserve someone so much better than this

KirstysDad · 09/11/2022 21:08

Don't waste your precious time and emotions on this bloke... life is far too short.

TheShellBeach · 09/11/2022 22:01

I hope you haven't sent him any money. He sounds like a scammer.

KellyJonesLeatherTrousers · 10/11/2022 03:53

Such a lot of words for someone who has stood you up on multiple occasions and gives you the scraps of his attention. Doesn’t really matter if he’s ‘cheating’, the rest of it is enough. Find your self respect, you’re worth a lot more than this.

Lili132 · 11/11/2022 08:31

Why are you giving this person so much space in your head? You were not in a relationship even. There is no point going to counselling with someone you are just dating /messaging. Dating is for getting to know each other and deciding if you want to move forward. He clearly isn't a relationship material for you.

Bumzoo · 11/11/2022 08:42

So you've never met him? You've not sent him and money have you?

FleecyBlanketPerson · 11/11/2022 09:13

Focus on yourself now. You deserve to be treated better.

As others have said definitely don't send money (not that you would). I saw an awful TV program about women having online relationships and being scammed by men pretending to be other people, stealing pictures off Facebook to use.

My relative married a woman he spoke to online, over many years. She came over to live in UK and kept having reasons to go home, got longer each time, then she never came back. He shelled out so much time and money to do paper work to enable them to get married.

Whenever anyone says we are together but it's online - I become wary.

Priority number one is YOU.

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