How do you known whether to split?

[UnfamiliarFlu]

Hi, feeling very vulnerable and just need some wise words, perhaps from women who have had similar experiences.

How do you know whether to split up a marriage or not?

I am still young-ish (36) and have three children. I am the main earner by a long way, and could support myself and kids fully without help.

My wife struggles with life (same-sex relationship), she always has. I do about 80% of household chores (although she would dispute this) and most of the kids stuff, while working full time. I sort all life admin/bills/clubs stuff etc. She does very little/nothing for the kids in the morning (school routine etc) and very little for the bedtime routine, unless prompted. She goes to work (less then minimum wage
job) and then needs a lot of time to recharge.

I’ve had conversations with her about her doing more, and it always ends in strops or tears. Recently I’ve been starting to resent the situation more, but also I’ve been thinking “fuck it, I literally don’t need the help.” Yes I’m rushing around all the time, but I can cope. I feel like I can’t be bothered arguing with her anymore, or feeling like I’m forcing her to do stuff with her very low level of coping. Just easier to do it myself.

It’s an awful thought, but I know if we split and she had the kids a couple of days a week, I’d manage totally fine on my days with them, without her (it wouldn’t really be any different for me) and plus I’d get two days child-free - luxury!

The thing is, I really do love her. So much. She is my best friend. As a couple, we are very compatible. If we hadn’t had kids, we’d probably be together forever. But I keep coming back to the injustice of the shared load. And that I can’t see myself living my whole life with someone who is so negative all the time. Also if I asked her to leave it would devastate her and she wouldn’t cope well.

Do I just leave it, accept I have a partner I love and who is my best friend, but I do most of the load?

Does anyone have any advice, or been in a similar situation?

I know people will say she is deliberately lazy, but I don’t think she is. Just low threshold for coping with stuff. Though she could do more.

I have suggested therapy etc again to her, in the past I’ve held her hand and walked her through sorting this out, but this time I just want her to take the initiative to sort it. I feel like I’m less tolerant the older I get, which is a shame.

Does she work full or part time? Even if there is tears if someone’s capable then they should be sharing the workload

what about both agreeing really refining who does what and actually write it down, how old are the children?

I’m afraid that underlying resentment will grow and grow OP. She needs to know how you are feeling and which way this heading now, while you still love each other enough to try to make it work better.

Most of what you have written mirrors my relationship. My partner has always been socially and emotionally closed off, a passenger in life, not a participant.

Difference being we have been together for 25 years. In that time resentment grew and grew. I had always told myself to tolerate how he was, that I loved him and I could accept it. As the years have gone on my love for him was worn away.
We separated a couple of weeks ago. He very much still loves me. I do not feel the same anymore.

I would advise you to talk to her, let her know how it is all making you feel. Don’t ignore it, don’t tell yourself it’s ok because you love her. One day it really won’t be.

Why does she struggle with life? Is she depressed or does she have something like ADHD which can make day to day organisation difficult? Or does she only want to do the fun stuff?

In any case, I don’t think things can continue as they are - love is not enough. I think you need to make clear to her where your thinking is tending so she understands how serious the situation is. Apart from anything, it’s a pretty poor role model for your DCs and can’t be very nice for them to have a parent who just can’t really be arsed.

Thank you everyone for your kind responses.

@Lovelybunchofwhatnots thanks for sharing your experience. I have taken it on board.

@Dery She does have depression unfortunately.

@BaddogGooddoggy I think you are right, I will have to talk to her.

@Upsta Just less than full time. I think writing down chores/load to divvy it up might be a good first step. If I can suggest it in a way which won’t offend.