It's today, need hand holding

[WhizzMcFizz]

Tonight I am going to tell my DH that I am leaving.
We have two DC aged 11 and 8.
I have found a place to rent and I get the keys on Monday. I will be starting from scratch as it is easier than arguing about bits and pieces. I just want a peaceful home for me and my boys.
I have no idea how he will take it - I know he is not a violent person, and I have no fear of his reaction in that way. But whether he will be spiteful or work with me, who knows. I do have a lawyer lined up and ready.
The background is that we have been together for 17 years. He has become more and more financially controlling - I was a SAHM and am now studying full time at uni, and working part time. A few years ago I found a string of months worth of messages to another woman, professing his love etc. I have tried to move past that but honestly I can't. We are walking on eggshells around his moods and I am seeing the effects in my kids, so it is time to move on.
Any kind thoughts and messages are much appreciated

It sounds like you've really tried your best to fix a situation he created. Do you think he'll fight to keep the children?

You've got this.

Well done, you've made a brave decision and I applaud you. You will feel so much better in your own place, and just know you are doing the very best thing for you and your children.
I wish you well in your new life. 💐

I'm sorry he let you down so badly & that your marriage has ended this way, but I'm pleased you're getting out and can make a fresh start!!

imo you should take a lot from the family home so that the new place feels like home for the boys and so you take some family history with you.

good luck tonight. Don't forget you're telling him, not looking for his approval or consent!

Is there a particular reason why you’re telling him today? I’m asking as you don’t get the keys to your new place until Monday. Can you wait until then, so if the atmosphere turns really bad, at least you and the kids have somewhere to get away to?

I agree with this.

Please don't tell him where your going to live.

I don't want him spoiling your chances of leaving.

Well done on taking this step. It’s incredibly difficult and this is the hardest part. You are a brave and strong woman. It’s for the best and you are right to leave.

Also wondering if you should wait until you have the keys. It gets really weird after you tell them.

When I left I took some of our clothes to new the place before I told him so I had something to wear to work. Also had beds for DCs and very basic pieces to cook with, kettle etc (I realise your place may be furnished).

Good for you op. You got your ducks in a row and are doing the best for you and your children. You are very brave! Best wishes for living your best life!

Yes, he controls the bank account with the cash savings so I need to tell him so that I can buy the basics, such as beds. In theory I could put that on credit, but I think he will be reasonable enough about transferring the money when I tell him it is final and done. I know that sounds odd given that he has been controlling about money, but I don’t think he is a complete ass.
I am also working nights the next few nights so it gives him some space to think and get used to the idea. I’ve been thinking about it for some time, and while he knows I am not happy it’s a different thing to be told it’s over

I’m not sure it will come down to a fight about custody. He will want to see them and be involved, if he wants 50/50 I don’t see why it can’t work. But also I know he has always put work first so who knows !

How are you feeling today? X

Absolutely rooting for you, OP.

Hope you're doing well. It sounds like you've done your best to make the marriage work and this is the best step. Your husband sounds like a very difficult man to live with. I expect you will feel like there's a huge weight off your shoulders after you move into your new flat with your boys. I hope your husband is reasonable and adult about this and does some reflection himself.

Thankyou everyone.
I told him. Thankyou @SkylightSkylight for your words about telling him and not asking approval - I kept reminding myself in my head as he started trying to negotiate "but what if I change xyz".
I am cautiously hopeful this can be amicable. If anything our conversation showed exactly why I want to leave - his minimising of my concerns and inability to see that his behaviour is actually out of line. And of course the fixation on money. His mind switched so quickly to "what will this cost" and "how much will I have to pay you". He does want to have the boys 50/50.

I'm sure we will have many more difficult conversations but at least that is one out of the way.

Well done, and the very best of luck.

If he starts to change his mind, you can always threaten to forward the messages to his family and friends until he pays up.

He wants 50-50 because that way he won't have to pay you child support.

He will move a girlfriend in to look after them 3-4 days per week while he works his long hours.

You are going to find the bank accounts (that you know about) drained, I suspect. You need to file for divorce asap and hopefully you won't get shafted. If won't cooperate with financial statements, I would press for the house to be sold and equity divided.

Well done OP, so brave and strong of you. You’ll have much happier times ahead

Thinking of you OP. Stay strong.

Mathanxiety, are there really women who fall for that? Wouldn't a new girlfriend refuse point blank to look after someone else's DC, I spend my days fantasising about sending mine to boarding school but I can't as they are mine

Sending you strength, thinking of you. Change is good

@mathanxiety even having them 50/50 he will still need to pay child support, where I live it is not only based on care but income also, and he earns way more than me.
I agree with you about nailing down the cash, I do have proof of the balance so if it starts dropping that will go into the equation when the house is settled. At the moment he is thinking he can pay me out and keep the house himself but I don’t think he can afford to

Well done you. Good luck xxxx

OP, you sound wonderful and calm and brave and thoughtful. I hope your future with your kids is so lovely and peaceful.

I have a question - you say he “controls” the savings but are you on the account? Could you walk into a bank with ID and get money out?

I might ask your lawyer if you can somehow gain access to your own money. Good luck.

It’s an odd situation because my name is on the title, but not the mortgage, so the bank won’t give me access to the account related to that.
He emailed me today asking me to reconsider, that people who divorce wish they hadn’t etc, and that he was prepared to work at it. I haven’t replied yet (other than a message to say I hadn’t changed my mind). It’s not like I haven’t raised issues with him all along and it hasn’t been important enough for him to work at it.

Your story sounds like mine. Without the financial control. But control and jealous in other ways. He moved out in the summer. I couldn’t get over the emotional affair. I now feel like I can breathe. Wishing you all the luck in the world.