Close friendship or emotional affair?

[SOS55]

Please could anyone give advice?I need help and quick!A year ago my husband told me he was leaving me and our three children which was a shock although I sensed he had been unhappy since lockdown.He was a key worker and the stress of extra workload and and the sudden and traumatic death of his younger brother had caused him to have a nervous breakdown or so he said.
We did not speak for the next few months but then after Christmas he had a change of heart and wanted to make a go of the marriage and begged me to go to marriage guidance which I agreed to.
However I since discovered that he had become very close with an employee who is young enough to be his daughter.I found a few texts which were a bit over familiar and then discovered a bill for flowers which he then lied about.He has admitted that he got too close to the girl,that he had an emotional connection with her,that she made him feel better about himself and that he was attracted to her personality and he looked forward to seeing her everyday.
This has devastated me as he has opened up to her about his grief and our marital problems .He insists that there was nothing romantic in his intentions and she was just a shoulder to cry on when he was at rock bottom and I do believe that.
Not working with the girl is not an option but the things he has said about her and the fact that he has to still work with her is still upsetting almost a year later and it is stopping me from moving on and fully giving my all to the marriage.This is now upsetting for him but I just don’t know if I can go forward.

You don't. You move on x

Lecherous old git blames his behaviour on anything to preserve his reputation and his marriage because young girl was not interested in him.

Bet you can't look at him without gipping.

Your distain of him will only grow, especially as he is still working with her.

I couldn't get past it.

SOS, are you saying that your H left and didn’t contact you about the children or see them for several months??

He is minimizing about his relationship with OW. This was clearly an emotional affair and had the key elements: secrecy, emotional intimacy, confiding, ego massages, and attraction. In my view, he wouldn’t have invested so much of his time and emotional energy if he didn’t fancy her. Sending her flowers suggests a romantic element, and lying about it shows callous disregard for you.

What time period did the affair cover?
Did it begin prior to his leaving you and continue afterward during the months you were apart and beyond?
Who ended it and why?
What is their current level of contact?

SOS, you’ve been in false reconciliation. It is telling that H begged you to go to couples counseling, yet didn’t come clean about this ‘connection’ during the sessions or in private when he should be restoring your trust with total honesty and transparency. You would still be in the dark if you hadn’t seen their messages.

It will be impossible to move forward as long as you don’t have the full story, he still works with OW, and he feels entitled to lie. After his infidelity and abandonment, I wouldn’t be able to trust him.

This has devastated me as he has opened up to her about his grief and our marital problems

He's devastated you. Do you think that a partner can devastate you in any way they like, and you would only be justified in leaving if they devastated you via an affair?

It doesn't matter what they did or didn't do. You feel you can't move on. That's fine. Respect your feelings.

"He insists that there was nothing romantic in his intentions and she was just a shoulder to cry on when he was at rock bottom"

He wanted the OW..., but she wasn't interested in him in that way. If she was, he would have been gone.

He's trying to minimise the whole situation.

You're unlikely to get the whole truth out of him on what happened.

So he disappeared for months and didn't come clean about this woman he had feelings for even in counselling? Sod him. I think if he was decent at the very least he would be looking for another job to distance himself from her. It's possible she only saw him as an older colleague in need, but I don't think he saw her that way. The disappeance was unacceptable. Was that from your kids' lives too? How has he squared that with them?

@SOS55 read this back to yourself. It's all about him. His feelings and wants and needs. Where do you fit in? When is it about you?

He buggered off on a whim and you let him come back.
He engaged in an emotional relationship with someone else and you've let it go.
He has lied to you and you let him.

There are never any consequences for this man for how badly he treats and uses you.

Isn't it time you took back your dignity and control? Make him leave and you figure out what you really want.

Actions have consequences and we don't learn from our mistakes unless there is a repercussion to our choices. He will keep treating you like a doormat until you make him face up to the shitty person that he is.