I've lost my identity

[feindVicarInATutu]

For 25 years I was a wife and a mum .

Now I'm neither .

I had a career

Now I have a disability that means I'll never do the job I signed up for again
I've got issues at work because of this and it's stress and more stress . (Not the work but how management are dealing with it )

I'm 50 and I feel completely lost . I'm menopausal but taking HRT and anti depressants.

I've been working from home for 6 months so become comfortably isolated.

Money is tight so I can't afford expensive hobbies or much of a social life

My kids are adults and rarely get in touch as they're busy with their own lives .

Both my ex husband and ex partner have moved on and are in relationships that seem to be working for them .

The issue I have at work means that I could be compelled to work at the same location as my ex - we haven't spoken since we broke up , we had a baby girl but she had a disability and I had a very traumatic late term termination. He didn't want the baby but did nothing to support me through that difficult time. The relationship didn't survive and we don't even speak now - I really really don't want to be rubbing shoulders in the workplace but my managers are so bloody minded and because I can't do what they want I feel they will make life as uncomfortable as possible. (My "union" is involved which won't go down well.

I have zero motivation.
Zero energy.
No social life
No relationship or partner .

I actually sat the other night and actually realised I mean nothing to anyone .

I've stopped going for smears and breast screening because quite frankly if anything happened to me my ex husband would be mortgage and debt free .
He's get my life insurance along with the kids .
He'd get my pension .

I'm bored of living . I'm not suicidal. But I'm existing. Every 24 hours is exactly the same . Weekends I don't leave my bed . I lay all day in the quiet until it gets dark and then doze . Maybe watch a bit of tv . Sleep . Do the same the following day . Then it's Monday again and Monday is like Tuesday and Wednesday and Thursday and Friday. There are days I don't even open the blinds .

And the only place I feel safe , or happy is my bed .

I'm turning into a hermit . I get shopping delivered. I was awake all night last night because I needed a bulb for my car headlight . I used to be fearless. In with both feet . Trusted my instincts. I don't feel like that anymore. The worlds moved on and I've been in bed . I'm no longer a wife or mum , busy keeping it all together.
I'm aimless. Rudder less. Floating along, doing what's necessary, sleeping when nothing is .

I keep looking at myself , getting older , haven't been to hairdresser in a year , always in pyjamas, and thinking what a bloody mess . What a mess I've made of a life that was once worth living . If I disappeared off the face of the earth no one would even notice . I've become comfortably numb .

Just needed a vent . Needed to write it somewhere. I've lost hope of any improvement and I've given up . I just live Groundhog Day , every single day . What a mess .
I didn't think this would be my life at 50. I'm fooked. People are always telling me how lovely I am , but if that were true I'd have something in my life to get up for surely . I don't mind being alone . I mind being invisible. I do things for others , cook for the neighbour , babysit , donate to
Charity, and sit on my increasingly huge arse because I have nothing else to do . My life's disappeared.

Just needed a moan . I'll give my head a wobble and do it all again tomorrow.

You see, musing over it, like you do, means you are trying to find a way out of this fog.

Would talking/writing about it help you make more sense of it all, do you think?

I was talking to my counsellor and she was lovely, like a really old good friend. And I was looking at her thinking: why am I paying you £40/h to do exactly what I’d do with a very good friend? Because that’s why I’ve done for years, confided in friends, analysed with them all sorts of things. (Just in case you wonder, I do know why I was paying her and yes, I was aware she’s not a best mate).

I realised my way of coping with life was putting things to the back of my mind, and counselling got all the rubbish out and gave my mind a spring clean. Having a virtual mirror put in front of me shed quite a bit of light.

Don’t go into counselling thinking it’ll fix the crap in your life. It’ll give you a place to put the rubbish down for a minute, while you decide what you’re going to do.

I have no advice, but I hear you. The world can feel very cruel, but know there are always people who value you. You matter, you really do.

That was so sad to read. You sound like you may be depressed. I have often felt just like you have described at times. Being at a loose end with too much time on my hands over the weekend can cause havoc to my mental health. I wish I could tell you what you need to do but I suspect you already know the answer to that....
For me I need to push myself to meet up with friends, get involved in things and keep busy. I also attend counselling and self help groups. Walking while listening to podcasts gets me out of my head too.
Hope things improve for you op