Will I find new mum friends after NCT ghosting?

[VeeringSlowlyLosingIdentity]

Hi all

First up this is regarding friendships rather than romantic relationships but wasn’t sure where else to post. Posting under a different name to avoid ID.

Like a lot of people on here I’m sure, I signed up to NCT antenatal classes with the primary aim of making mum friends. I wasn’t optimistic as for most of the course people rarely spoke. However, once the babies started coming we all became very close. I wouldn’t say I had much else in common with most of the women, however the friendships were invaluable and motherhood would’ve been v lonely without them.

FFwd to when our LOs were turning 6m and the conversation seemed mostly about weaning. I was finding that stage really challenging for various reasons, and suspect I was also suffering from some late PPD. Everyone kept sharing these IG posts with influencers and the crazy lengthy efforts they’d gone to. I’d so far managed to ignore it when people were bragging and “keeping up with the Jones” but the fact that I’ve previously suffered from an ED made this content overwhelming.

I therefore asked them to if they’d create a separate chat group without me in it, in order to share recipes etc. I didn’t explicitly say I’d had an ED but alluded to MH issues being triggered as to why I was finding it hard. They agreed it was a good idea and were v supportive. I received individual messages/calls/gifts from most of them.

However, ffwd a few weeks and it’d become clear that I’d been frozen out of the group entirely. I’ve since attempted to reach out to a couple of the mothers that I was closest with, but have just been ghosted. Not sure why this has happened. I am old enough to have lost friendships before, but the rejection still hurts.

Have been feeling really down about this so am just looking for some advice on how I can either move on from this, or if it’s worth trying to build some bridges? And I guess I’m looking for some reassurance that I’ll find some more mum friends in the future? Should I be more proactive?

Thanks for reading what’s troubling my heart.

There will always be mum friends at each stage. Try and go for people you feel you have more in common with.

Really wouldn’t worry OP, I never did nct, never had mum friends when my eldest was a baby. Made the best friend from the nursery and now she’s in school there’s new mums to connect with.

Thanks both, that’s reassuring. I don’t know why I had an image of mine and DDs only friends for life being these people!

There will be other opportunities to make friends. I didn't go to NCT because we adopted. I just pitched up to baby and toddler groups with a 10 month old and chatted. Basically I made lots of acquaintances and some of them turned into friends. I did the same thing again when we moved country with a toddler and a primary schooler, turned up to everything (cake sales, Christmas markets, volunteer to hear the kids reading etc) and chatted.

I've moved a lot and that has always been what works for me. Don't think about friends but turn up to everything that you can, chat pleasantly but not for too long at first. Gradually extend the chatting with the people that you get along with.

I'm only in close contact with one mum from NCT days. I had little in common with the others and we all drifted apart once mat leave was over. Agree with other posters here - you make friends at different stages - babygroup Mums, preschool Mums, primary Mums, playpark Mums etc. There will be plenty of other opportunities.

I was ghosted by NCT mums too - I had bad PND and birth injuries so I wasn’t exactly good company! All changed once I started toddler groups (not baby groups, never found a tribe there) and nursery and then school. It will all change 💐

Don’t worry, OP. Our NCT group was very solid for the first year or so but drifted apart as our children got older. Some members who were more naturally kindred spirits remained close and a few of us spun off the edges. Friends had similar experiences.

I made firmer mum friends at toddler groups and then school gates - and that was just from chatting in the morning (I was working full time by the time my elder started school so could only do drop offs).

Also - when your DCs start having your play dates - that’s another good chance to get to know other parents.

… start having play dates…

I think opting out of a group chat will always put you on the outside.

But don't worry, people sometimes come for a reason and a season. I've found this with mummy friendships, some have lasted, some have only lasted a stage in my child's life.

Keep everything open for your NCT pals, you might reconnect with them in the future. You find as time goes on, you get better at making new friends, and you'll find you have to keep on making them as circumstances change.

I didn't really gel with my nct group after the initial newborn stage. Apart from anything else, we were very much the poor relations. I found my tribe at village hall type mum and baby groups - 14 years on still my best friends.

Don't think about friends but turn up to everything that you can, chat pleasantly but not for too long at first. Gradually extend the chatting with the people that you get along with.

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Yeah, I think it's pretty common for NCT groups to fall apart, all you have in common is when your babies were born. I was ghosted by mine, years later DH saw one of them at a kids swimming lesson and took great pleasure in sitting next to them and chatting away super friendly. He said the squirming was joyous to watch and that is why I love him ❤.

Anyway, I met another much nicer group at a different baby group so it all worked out.

Have you tried Peanut? My dd found several local friends there.

I moved to a new town with my 15 month old as a single parent.

I went to as many parent toddler groups as i could. Some i didn't especially like some i went once some i have very fond memories of.

These mums aren't the be all in friendships. I would just mute groups in future then a breezy .. sorry been trying to catch up on washing/sleep etc.

If it makes you feel any better I really am NOT good at making 'mum' friends & feel a lot of it is a bit of a farce.. I can't do small talk, I just wanted to be honest with someone when DD was born & tell them about how my crumpet had been ripped in half with a 9 pound baby coming out through it etc etc not all the airy fairy bollocks.(Disclaimer before I'm roasted, I'm sure not all groups/new mum brigades are like this, this was just my own experience!) you sound you got a lot further than I did! You could try reaching out again but if nothing back then truly don't worry. You'll find new friends in different stages that kids go through. Although I have to say even now my DD is nearly 4 & I wouldn't say I have any 'mum' friends & I/we are just fine, tbh I quite enjoy DD's company just us two. You will feel better, you're clearly a thoughtful person so just hang on in there :-)

Sorry you have had this experience . I didn't make any friends at my initial baby group ( not NCT) but I did have PPD and struggled to be , as someone else said, good company . I met a local mum at a bus stop with her baby and we exchanged numbers . Then that led to a local baby group and that was where I made some friends . I made more friends at school but not a huge amount . Things will open up, the more you can do , you sound like an honest open person who can communicate , it's their loss !

I mean I don’t think asking them to create a separate group chat was a great idea if I’m honest. I had MH issues postpartum so I know some of what you went through, but i can understand if after that they felt you were quite sensitive so didn’t really know what to say to you. I think rather than a freezing out it was probably just awkwardness. But, never mind - move and go to more groups, start afresh and I’m sure you’ll make new friends.

I got dumped by my NCT group in a fairly horrible way when I was depressed and struggling and was heartbroken at the time. One of them lived next door and cut me dead for two years until we moved away!

I made lots of other mum friends through the years after that. My kids are secondary age now. I had therapy, moved on, and had fun with lots of different other people. You will be fine, I promise.

Best advice ever

Wheee does this mum friends for life idea come from? Is it the media? So many people have this expectation and it’s really unrealistic.

Just relax! You’ll make other friends. Eventually your whole life won’t revolve around your baby and you’ll meet people from other parts of your life too.

I’m sorry this happened OP, it sounds really hurtful. You’ll definitely make new Mum friends, and they’ll be nice people you’ve chosen because you stuff in common with them rather than just your children being born at the same time. Good luck

Of course you will make more friends, though being ghosted/frozen out is horrible so I understand how down you must feel about it. NCT was sold to me as one of these "friends for life" places but it didn't really work out like that. First time round I met two people who became good friends for a while, but one moved away and the other one ended up pretty much dumping me when I introduced her to some of my other (cooler than me) friends. I did make some really good friends at NHS antenatal class though, friendships going strong 17 years later! Zero luck at the school gates though :(

Second time round at NCT did not make a single friend! All the others were having a first baby and were younger, I got the feeling they didn't like me hanging around. Went to lots of baby groups and was friendly with people but no friendships that lasted. However, school gate experience much better this time round and have made some new friends that way.

Funny how sometimes groups gel well for some people and others don't.

Thanks so much for your advice everyone and for sharing your experiences - sorry for not responding sooner, was digesting it all over the last couple of days and have a fresh perspective on it all now.

I’ll be 40 soon and have had many different home cities/jobs/flatmates etc so no stranger to making (and losing) friends but this one hit harder somehow.

I think I could’ve handled it better but perhaps it has worked out for the best and I can focus my energies on different ventures now

I wouldn't worry about it. My NCT group were pretty tight for the first year or so but as we (mostly) went back to work and I left the WhatsApp group due to a particularly toxic individual, it all sort of unravelled. I still see two of the ladies regularly but others I never hear from.

But I made friends with a couple of mums from DD's nursery and some school mums and they're more relevant to our life now anyway. It's a bit of a myth that your NCT friends are your tribe for life.