Non contact parent and Christmas

[cleanbreak2022]

Hi everyone,

Just want to vent and ask some advice on how to navigate the next part of a very acrimonious separation.

Two DC's 2 (girl) and 8 (boy). Ex left two weeks before Xmas last year and found out in March it was for another woman.

The year that has followed and been awful, culminating in ex attempting suicide, being arrested for GBH with his girlfriend (a knife was used) amongst other heinous behaviours.

Social Services advised me to not allow contact between ex and children due to the safe guarding concerns relating to the knife incident (both my ex and his girlfriend required hospital treatment and stitches).

I have so far not agreed to any contact and to be honest he hasn't really fought it. He contacted me in September (via email as this is the only method of contact I will tolerate due to his girlfriend making malicious accusations about me to the police). He explained he was no longer with GF and was realising how mentally unwell he had been and wanted to build bridges with the children. I explained, before that could happen he was to demonstrate to me he wanted to be consistent, involved and interested in their lives. My DS had been through therapy processing what had happened to our unit and I could risk ex returning to their lives to leave again.

He then started emailing daily, early on, seemingly interested in their lives, I would send pictures and details of what they had been up to. He seemed engaged. The emails then turned to a daily 'hi how are the kids?' His interest disappeared and this was what I was fearful of happening to the children.

I have since discovered that he may now be back in a relationship with GF. This now raises again the safe guarding issues and also the concern that he claimed he was so unwell whilst with her and that's the reasoning for his behaviour.

Rightly or wrongly, I have asked him not to contact me. The toxicity they bring to my life is intolerable.

I don't really know how to navigate the next steps or whether I should even be wasting my time. With Christmas looming I know my son would love to see his dad (daughter doesn't know him). They have only seen each other for 2 hours since June. I don't know whether to risk a visit and out myself back in that situation, and risk ex disappearing again then reappearing with black eyes (yes this has happened, they have a volatile and hostile relationship) and bringing that whole instability back to my children. Alternatively I maintain no contact and see my sons broken heart again.

I'm so torn, I could cry thinking about either scenario.

If SS advised you not to allow contact then you shouldn’t allow contact. They could potentially intervene if they think you’re introducing unnecessary risk to your DC.

I would explain to your son that his Dad’s not in a good emotional place right now, and has to work on getting better. It’s going to be a lot worse for your son if his Dad keeps coming in and out of his life, and a lot worse for you if the hassle / abuse from ex and GF starts up again.

I just feel so conflicted. I spoke to SS about how to reintroduce contact in a safe way, for example supervised, or via Face Time without going to court, how to re-establish in a safe way. They said that was down to me. There doesn't seem to be any guidance. Their view was to encourage him to take me to court and let a judge decide, or I make the decisions.

I was willing to consider face time then moving to supervised, but it seems I am the only parent considering these moves and researching them.

I really don't want to disturbance of their relationship coming into our lives again, but if he wants to be with her, then the only option I have is no contact but very aware on how this could be explained to our children in the future.

I think the conversation with ds saying dad is feeling very well mentally at the moment. That him and his girlfriend don't seem to be very good for each other atm (an analogy to some friends who don't play together well might help). That when dad's gotten in touch and shows that he's feeling better then you'll talk to ds about what that will look like. But sometimes it takes a while for people to recognise that they're not well and to ask for help.

Don't look at idea eg FaceTime. Dad needs to get better and come to you with ideas