He talks about exes

[Yorkshiredales1]

I have been seeing a man for a few months. He seems to talk about his exes a lot. I don't really want to be picturing him with lots of different women as he seems to have had a lot of relationships which he was cheated on or some were abusive. I know hearing about his past will help me understand him. I am different I won't talk about exes as I have moved on and don't feel an ex is anything to do with our relationship. Has he probably still not moved on? I feel he should be talking to someone more professional about his past hurts and disappointments if it is still affecting him.

It's pretty normal for men to talk about exes. It actually good because you begin to understand them more.

My guy talks about previous women he dated and I have spoke about ex men I dated.

At first I didn't like but think at least he open.

They tell me on themselves too.

Your over reacting here I think.

• they tell on themselves if you know what you mean.

No it’s not good for them to talk about their ex partners

have some boundaries op

’look I dont want to hear about your ex girlfriends ok?

end of

otherwise he’s trampling over your boundaries and you will be guilty for allowing it to continue

My dh used to talk about his exes. I told him off and he’s never mentioned them since. We’ve been married 15 years.

My ex used to constantly talk about his exes, take me to all the places he took them and then compare the experiences. He would tell me his exes were abusive, crazy, cheated on him, blah blah but he would always message them or try to.
So many red flags that I ignored. Turns out he was the abusive one.
Not saying the guy you're seeing is but just be wary

Mentioning exes is OK, healthy even. Talking about them in depth if that's the conversation you're mutually having is also OK.

Talking about them "a lot", and presumably bringing them up of his own accord all those times - extremely tiresome. If they're on his mind that much he's not ready to be in a new relationship.

Agreed that if he's bringing them up regularly of his own accord that can spoil things. I am happy to have conversations opening up about the past, but don't want exes popping up all the time in unrelated chat (if there are practicalities around kids that might be different)

I never specifically mention if I've been somewhere previously with an ex (i wouldn't lie if asked, and would tell them if it was say, a honeymoon). I just think it's tactful. We have all got previous. The new relationship should be allowed to feel special, new and hopeful, not the latest in a line.

Also it's quite telling if he is never at fault in any of the breakups/ its never that some were nice people but just didn't work out.

@hugefanofcheese He has some break ups were amicable so luckily he is not trying to make out it was everyone else. The one ex he has children with and she is the one he rarely mentions.

I think it depends what he's saying. I would never have dated anyone who spoke very badly of their ex, or told me anything personal that should remain within a relationship. I wouldn't expect someone to pretend their ex didn't exist though.

A man who has a lot of exs who cheated or were abusive is a big red flag for me.

🚩 🚩 🚩

My ex constantly spoke about his exes (one in particular) I asked him to stop as it was always oh xyz went here. Personally I wouldn’t put up with it again.

Has he probably still not moved on

It doesn't matter. He's doing something you don't like. Have you told him? If so, how did he respond? If not, what's stopping you?

I have been too polite thinking it will stop. He definitely does not want to get back with these women but I sense he still feels hurt as he said he can't understand why he has been cheated on. I wish he would just focus on what we have which can be something great.

This! My partner used to talk about ex’s, past sexual experiences ect, told him unless I ask, I don’t need to know! Same goes for him. I don’t tell him anything about my past unless he asks. Not difficult.

I wish he would just focus on what we have which can be something great

Right. So next time he does it, tell him that you need a partner who doesn't go on about their exes, and focusses on your own relationship with them. That's all you need to say.

If he wants to be with you, it's up to him to choose who to be/what to offer you. If he decides to keep doing something when you've told him you don't like it, walk away. It's an example of the fact that he's willing to walk on your boundaries and put his own needs first.

I had this and it would be in a situation or conversation where it just shouldn't of even led to that so he was just bringing them up.

Years later found out he was seeing an ex and me at the same time..

I think if he talks non stop or in a bad light of them run. Wish I did..

It really depends on the context for me. Anecdotes about a holiday in Tenerife with Margaret are fine, as are conversations about what he doesn't want to experience in his new relationship anymore (like, Sandra was so jealous I couldn't even call Richard without her having to listen to the conversation, I don't want that anymore). Talking about intimate stuff with Betty or having mentionitis is not.

I think it depends on how they're being mentioned. I was with my ex husband for 20 years - a huge portion of my life. It's really hard not to mention life experiences that I did with my ex to my boyfriend as it was my life. I can't just not mention what I've been doing for the last 20 years!

However, I never mention anything sexual or make comparisons etc.