Do any of you regret leaving your DH/DP?

[TheProblemIsMe]

Hi,

I've name changed for this, it risks being a long one.

I'm 32 and I have three children. I am British born and raised but moved to a European country eight years ago - I have a European passport which allows me to live and work here. I am thinking about leaving my husband but I don't know how. I haven't been happy in a while, my family in the UK know how I feel, my Mum would drive over and collect me and the kids no questions asked but I just can't face being a burden to her and my Dad.

I got married very young, and always wanted children young. My friends prioritised their careers and I prioritised children, as a result I lost a lot of my friends, I've been quite lonely and when the pandemic hit I was isolated abroad with no support. DH works in construction and was considered a key worker, so I had to all childcare and housework/mental load stuff by myself. I think this bred resentment but I tried to work through it and reframe that he was out supporting his family. I haven't worked since my eldest was born five years ago, I've tried to take on remote contracts but he gets stroppy and is generally unsupportive. I gave up and tried to embrace the SAHM and partner thing.

My husband doesn't give me any money, when I ask he flies off the handle, my parents send me a monthly stipend to treat my kids. He doesn't know about this.

The problems between us are too many to mention, the reason I stay is because he says "I wasn't raised without both parents and I don't want that for my kids" but I am so, so unhappy. I know in my heart he's not in love with me, he grabbed me by the t-shirt this morning jokingly and said "what is this t-shirt huh?" and smacked my bum really hard. I told him to stop and he said, "what's wrong with you? Why are you never happy?" My T shirt ironically has "Love" printed on it.

Before we had kids I used to tell him I loved him and as a response he started saying "I don't love you", initially I found it funny but even when pushed he never said that he loved me back so I just stopped saying it. It's been 6 years.

He's never put his arms around me to hug me, he doesn't kiss me without wanting sex. I'm attracted to him physically but I need more affection. I've told him this and he's said, "well I'm here" but never initiates anything. I've tried squashing down these feelings but I can't ignore them anymore. He's not particularly loving or tender towards his children either and I fear the example I'm setting. Our three children are girls.

But what do I do? Where do I go? How do I leave? Do I pretend everything is fine, try to get the baby into childcare when she's one and start working and try to build a small escape fund? Can I even go back to the UK? My older children are at school, the thought of taking them out leaves me feeling heartbroken. Will they hold this against me? Am I being selfish for putting my needs - to not be married to their Dad anymore - over theirs?

Did you regret leaving?

That all sounds really awful, OP. He is abusive and has isolated you and prevented you from working.

Would it help to break what you need to do down into chunks? The first step might be to find a lawyer who can advise you on your rights re assets, maintenance etc and taking the children back to the UK (taking into account he international dimension). I would do this without telling your partner. I would then make a plan to leave, in the first instance to stay with your parents until you find your feet. Don't worry about imposing on them.

First of all I would see if you actually can leave the country with the kids - quite possibly he will go to court and you will have to return them.

I think you need to work towards a scenario where you stay in the country you currently live in but divorce your husband. - So yes, childcare (he pays half !) and a job for you ASAP is a good idea. Also get some watertight contraception sorted to make sure you don’t get pregnant again and end up having to push things back longer.
He’s financially abusive and isn’t supporting you emotionally.

This. If the Hague Convention applies you can't just leave with the kids. I was told if I just left with the kids it would count as abduction and this would go against me in a custody case.

You need to speak to a good lawyer and find out what the legal situation is. Start documenting all incidents of abuse (such as the financial abuse).

This charity highlights the issues
www.hague-mothers.org.uk/the-plan/

No, I've never regretted leaving my ex.

Your dh sounds abusive - financially, emotionally. Does the country you're living in have support for domestic abuse situations you could access, or ex-pat communities that you could connect with?

I agree with a pp. check to see if you leaving would be considered abduction.

if it doesn’t I would absolutely leave! Your life sounds like hell. Your mother must be so worried about you and the children. I’d hate it if it was my daughter.

in the U.K. you can get lots of help with childcare etc or go to uni to build a career - you get lots of grants as a single parent.

how do you think he would react if you said you wanted to separate?

You are in an abusive relationship with this man and your children won't say thanks mum to you for remaining in one. Remaining within this shows them that it is ok for women to be mistreated and otherwise abused by their man.

The only acceptable level of abuse in a relationship is none. That is the lesson you now want to be teaching your daughters.

What are women's legal rights and domestic violence support services like in this country; can you commence divorce proceedings there?. Can you gain easy access to a lawyer?. What nationality are these children?.

Re your comment:
The problems between us are too many to mention, the reason I stay is because he says "I wasn't raised without both parents and I don't want that for my kids" but I am so, so unhappy.

This is not even your reason, this is his and it does not at all stand up to scrutiny. If you were not around he would have to find some other sap of a woman to look after him and he is too lazy to do that. Such men hate women and all of them. You are also teaching your children about relationships and they are being harmed by seeing you being abused emotionally and financially. Your parents must be worried sick.

Oh how awful.

Can you speak to your mum in more depth? Explain that you'd like to leave but could initial be a burden but you'd look to get your life on track here ?

He is controlling you, would a uk court actually send you back on the abduction front to a home where you're not allowed to work and have no money? Why on Earth do your parents have to treat the kids and why can't he know? It's all unhealthy.

Where do you live? Is there benefits to you living there single? Would you get help in that country?

The rest of your life is a long time to feel unhappy and stuck xx

OP, as a mum, I would say what your parents want MOST is for you to come and be a burden! I would hate - more than anything in the world - for my daughter to be unhappy in her life and feel trapped. You don’t need to describe his behaviour. From the very beginning of your post, it’s obvious what is happening — and when you mentioned that he doesn’t give you any money, I thought, “oh, this again!” He is controlling and control is a form of abuse. My ex partner was like this — and I realised in the end that (even though he said he did) he didn’t really love me… not like the love I had for him or that I have now for my children. Leaving for me was about making a plan (I’ve read countless times that women who succeed in staying away have made a plan), don’t let on AT ALL that you are leaving because he will ABSOLUTELY start getting his ducks in a row too to prevent you from leaving, find a time when he is out the house - ideally for more than a day, but a day is fine - and get in your parents’ car. Keep it secret. It sounds nuts, like a movie, but I noticed that when I convinced my partner I was really unhappy he became extremely manipulative - being very very nice (but I’m sad to say, all evidently fake), keeping tabs on me, cosying up to my family. You know what you have to do. It will be a HUGE relief. And read this book on kindle to help you if you need - Why Does He Do That? By Lundy Bancroft. It saved years of my life.

Don’t let the abduction issue scare you - if it really is an issue, it’s something you can work around. Make a list. Make a plan. Step by step. When you look up, you’ll be out. And remember he has to take you to court or call the police… A vindictive man might but a female partner’s instinct is the best measure of whether he will — you are the expert on him. Would he even know it was illegal?
Contact here to find out what you need to do and then assess your options. Eat the elephant one bite at a time! www.gov.uk/government/collections/support-for-british-nationals-abroad