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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Ended a relationship today

21 replies

Homebaby · 07/11/2022 18:33

and feeling a bit deflated. Wasn't a long relationship and if I'm honest had more problems than it should have during what should have been the honeymoon period. He has complex mental health problems which he was always honest about and there were a decent amount of red flags including all of his exes being crazy and nothing ever being his fault when previous relationships ended. But on a day to day basis we got on well and laughed a lot. There was a sticking point that despite not working he would argue about why I was needy asking for him to message me good morning. It became a big deal for me purely because whenever he asked anything of me he got it, no question. I ask for something and I get arguments about why he shouldn't. I have some issues surrounding childhood that I'm in therapy for and was honest about things that mean a lot to me. Material things don't interest me, it's all about effort and communication. Once something upset him I'd get the silent treatment for days, a huge trigger for me. I can't live like that so after a weekend of being ignored I've ended things, I've got the blame for being unreasonable and it's my issue that's caused this. Part of me feels relieved and that I've stood up for what I want but the other part thinks that I have thrown something good away. I've been through narcissistic abuse before and not sure I'm not projecting those memories on to him. There's no going back for us, it's definitely done but any thoughts or support or just a handhold would be much appreciated.

OP posts:
firstmummy2019 · 07/11/2022 18:40

You've done the right thing. Silent treatment and not willing to accept any blame have no place in a healthy relationship. It is raw now but trust me in 3 months time you will look back and think thank God you are no longer with him.

Homebaby · 07/11/2022 19:10

@firstmummy2019 thank you. My rational brain knows that, the slightly sad reflective part questions whether it was me. I appreciate the reassurance!

OP posts:
KettrickenSmiled · 07/11/2022 19:13

Part of me feels relieved and that I've stood up for what I want but the other part thinks that I have thrown something good away.
The only good thing you've been able to say about this man is on a day to day basis we got on well and laughed a lot. That is a SERIOUSLY low bar for a relationship.

I've been through narcissistic abuse before and not sure I'm not projecting those memories on to him.
You're not.
If I'd been run over by a car before, & rang you up for sympathy because I got run over again today - would you tell me I was just projecting my memories of having been run over previously?
Or would you believe that I got hit by a car again, & give me sympathy for the new pain & shock?

Silent treatment, a slew of crazy ex's, accepting everything you offer but creating an argument & DARVO'ing you for being "needy" about wanting a simple good morning text, unable to accept blame or responsibility for himself ...
honestly OP, what on earth is being thrown away here?

Grieve for the relationship you had hoped would develop, & move on.
Be especially kind to yourself, & do not engage in ANY back & forth about I've got the blame for being unreasonable and it's my issue that's caused this.
Of course he's blaming you - he's a committed blame-layer, remember?
I suspect he will continue to harass you & probably try to Hoover you. He will be amazed that you refuse to accept his stonewalling, & will ant to extert control - either by needling you or trying to Hoover you back -
lonerwolf.com/hoovering/

Spend some time tonight planning out little treats for yourself, & spend the next few weeks enjoying those treats, & the freedom of not pandering to men with personality disorders 😀Flowers

ThisWormHasTurned · 07/11/2022 19:17

Well done! The best thing about this situation is that you’ve ended it on the early side. You’ve recognised the red flags and taken appropriate action. Guys like this tend to suck you in quickly before you realise there are red flags…but you’ve stepped back and moved away. Have you had any support for the narcissistic abuse? I’m just recovering from leaving an abusive marriage and I found individual counselling and I did a seminar last night about narcissistic relationships and co-dependency and it was enlightening.

Homebaby · 07/11/2022 19:39

@KettrickenSmiled i really really needed that, thank you for taking the time to reply so thoroughly. And the car example made me smile, so true. I doubt very much that he will try to hoover, despite how I was feeling I was very direct in my messages today and was clear in telling him his behaviour was abusive. Trouble is with people like that they flip it and make out they're the victim hence me questioning myself. He was that good I could almost make an argument for his viewpoint.
You're right in that I'm grieving for what I thought the relationship would be and not for the person he was. I feel sad that he wasn't that person but he's not and I need to get my head around that.
Interesting you say about personality disorders, his problems were apparently something else but I have my suspicions that there was more going on than met the eye.
Hopefully I can rally the troops and get some things planned in the next few weeks to cheer myself up. Thank you again 💐

OP posts:
Hehx3 · 07/11/2022 20:01

Hi homebaby - lovely nickname btw 😊
I am in similar position as you, grieving sthg that I thought can grow to be a good thing (finally!).
I feel sad like you and do question myself but I think its the characteristic of people that can reflect, that are believers and givers. Nothing bad about it.
I think we will have to both plough through those feelings to the other side 😁
I think above idea about treats is lovely. Im going to certainly implement it. The most important relationship you have is with yourself, anyone that makes you feel unworthy threatens that and needs to go.
Keep strong it will pass

Homebaby · 07/11/2022 20:02

@ThisWormHasTurned I think the reason that I spotted it early is because of the previous narcissist experience, I was always worried that it would impact my view when I met someone else which is partly why I didn't want to believe the red flags when I saw them. I did see them and act though so must be a good thing! Navigation after that abuse is difficult, I'm sorry you experienced it too. I had counselling which was really helpful and watched that many you tube videos I bored myself! It's just so demoralising to be faced with another pretty much the same with a different mask.
I wish you well with your recovery 💐

OP posts:
ParentallyUnprepared · 07/11/2022 20:02

You've not thrown something good away.

FootfallFootball · 07/11/2022 20:21

If he is good at blaming others, then that will have impaired his ability to take responsibility for his life and to improve it. The whole lot go together, and you have dodged a bullet.

Bedazzled22 · 07/11/2022 20:33

Its for the best , its not right to be given silent treatment - that would only get worse too. Look after and be kind to yourself

Homebaby · 07/11/2022 20:53

@Hehx3 I do occasionally wish I wasn't the reflective/giving type, life seems so much easier for the takers. I'm sure he's not going to bed tonight feeling any kind of remorse for his behaviour. But then ultimately we sleep better knowing that we're decent people and have others best interests at heart. I've done so much work learning to have a relationship with me I feel I'd be letting myself down to not have ended it. It's so hard learning to have boundaries and accept that something will not grow and will never improve.
I like the treat idea aswell, and with Christmas coming there will be ample nice things to do, buy and eat!
Thank you and all the best with your journey 💐

OP posts:
mumyes · 07/11/2022 21:24

Well done OP, sounds like you made a very good decision.

Well done for knowing (& making sure you get) what you want. And knowing your worth.

Flowers
Hehx3 · 07/11/2022 21:36

@Homebaby xx keep strong, you are doing great. Its a big step and change (to treat yourself as a priority) so it feels uncomfortable but is actually the best thing for you.
I think like you, life is easier for takers but I don't think they can be ever fully happy.

Homebaby · 20/11/2022 12:06

Having a lazy Sunday and just thought I'd update, the support really helped me at the time.
I went to the pre booked appointment with my therapist (ironically I was only originally going as he said I needed to talk to someone haha) She confirmed that his behaviour was abusive and that I absolutely did the right thing walking away. Had a good few laughs when I recited some of the messages, how he tried to flip everything to put the blame on me. Not going to pretend that I don't give him a seconds thought, I do, but it's more about the change in routine and missing the good times than anything else.
@Hehx3 @ThisWormHasTurned i hope you are both doing ok? And once again thank you to everyone who commented originally!

OP posts:
LadyMarmaladeAtkins · 20/11/2022 12:09

Very well done. Flowers

ThisWormHasTurned · 21/11/2022 06:08

I’m glad you kept that appointment and you d had that confirmation. It means you can now start to trust your instincts!
I’m doing well thanks! Getting a new kitchen fitted (starting today!). I’m off work this week so I’ll be hitting the gym and doing some life admin stuff. Things are coming together 😊

Onmyownagain1 · 26/01/2023 19:50

Okay, I'm able to accept that I was wrong in how I handled it, that's why I was looking for opinions

Thisisworsethananticpated · 26/01/2023 19:56

It’s so hard
I’ve ended a not ideal relationship this month
I know it’s the right thing as similar issues
but I’m still totally gutted 😢

I watched a good video today the gist is

breaking up hurts
and it’s going to hurt for a while
and you will have all these worries

  • did I make a mistake
  • i miss him
  • I won’t find anyone else
  • I miss him
but it won’t last forever , feelings change and evolve

You also need a list of the annoying things you won’t miss
refer to it when you waver

Homebaby · 26/01/2023 21:06

@Thisisworsethananticpated sorry to hear that your relationship has come to an end also. It's rubbish even when you know it was the right thing to do 💐
As for me, the more time goes on the more I realise I seriously dodged a bullet. The first few weeks were the usual missing the good him, wondering what he was up to etc. Then I began to piece things together, things he'd said, stories about exes and little things that never really added up right from the beginning. He is just a manipulator and an abuser, my gut knew it but at the time of my post nothing terrible had happened so I questioned myself. Its been a lesson in self belief.
I am now a firm believer that if you feel like it's right to end it it is. I hope you start to feel better soon.

OP posts:
Zanatdy · 26/01/2023 21:15

100% right thing. My ex used to ignore me (once for 6 weeks) and I wouldn’t tolerate it now

Thisisworsethananticpated · 26/01/2023 22:21

Homebaby

good your better !

Zanatdy
yes
my Ex Ex went months 🙄
recent one ghosted me for 3 weeks once , could not forgive him for that

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