Difficult year for wife is impacting our relationship.

[Arsenal123]

My wife has a lot going on. Back in her home country her family are in danger and she is unable to see them. This has affected her very badly and she is constantly checking the news.

I've tried to be there for her but I don't feel like I can do anything meaningful.

Our relationship involves no quality time together or intimacy. This did dwindle somewhat following marriage and before the current situation. She is also often rude, dismissive or techie towards me.

Given that things are so hard for her is it unreasonable for me to still want some kind of healthy relationship with her beyond living under the same roof?

This has been going on for around 8 months.

She must be enormously stressed and worried. It would be very difficult to think about anything else. Many people find it hard to conjure up any kind of romantic or sexual feelings whilst under great stress so I’m not surprised intimacy has gone.

Having said that, she shouldn’t be rude to you. I would say something to her (gently) about the way she speaks to you and ask her to be more thoughtful about how she treats you.

How long have you been married?

Did the closeness and intimacy evaporate very quickly after marriage?

Her situation sounds very frightening and no wonder she is preoccupied if her family are actually in danger, but I guess I am asking rather bluntly if she could possibly have married you for a visa?

So, you’re upset because she doesn’t want to shag you because she’s eaten up with anxiety about her family who are living in the middle of a war zone?

I have tried mentioning the rudeness but it leads to flying off the handle.

As a coping mechanism (I assume) she has taken to spending all of her disposable income on superficial things. The trouble is it isn't actually making her any happier and there would be no money for an emergency.

Currently just treading on eggshells. Just wish the trouble would end ...

Do you have children together?

Definitely not married for a visa - she had one.

No kids.

Oh dear, is your wife’s family being in danger affecting your sex life?
I really feel for you

I can't imagine how she is feeling, knowing her family is in danger.

Hi - just to clarify: I said intimacy not sex and I included that to give an idea of what things are currently like. Many people seem determined to interpret the situation subjectively to mount an attack.

Our relationship has been impacted in every way possible: communication, finances, work etc. Just hoping it's not being completely ruined.

You don’t have to stay with her. Always okay to decide to leave if you’re not happy and the two of you can’t communicate properly.

OP people can get very defended when they are suffering things they don't know how to cope with. It's your job, if you can do it, to be strong and supportive, possibly beyond what you feel capable of.
Also she might benefit from some counselling, but in this situation if you suggest counselling you must convey that it's not because you think she's weak or that there is anything wrong with her, but that she deserves extra support because the situation is so difficult.
She really needs to know that you are on her side.

I mentioned counselling but it didn't go down well. I haven't mentioned it again.

I feel for the both of you, OP. It can’t be easy watching someone you love under so much stress. And it’s pretty natural that it will impact your relationship. Can’t see how it wouldn’t impact it, to be honest? I think you’d do well to get yourself some counselling, even if your wife isn’t in a place where she can agree to it. Maybe if she sees you going she’ll understand that it’s not something you’d judge her for. And at the very least you’d get some more support.

OK, apologies for the Visa question, it’s just that you said your closeness stopped soon after marriage. Was that before the war?

It is very hard because however much you sympathise and empathise with her, you are not experiencing the same anguish.

Have you asked her directly and how you can best support her?