Think my marriage is over. Needy request for hand hold for maybe a while!!

[LINAVM]

It's a long and complicated story I suppose, with fault on both sides, but I feel in limbo and keep crying and it's causing me so much disruption I am struggling at work.

We have been together a very long time, which make it's even more difficult, just seems unfathomable to split. The financials of splitting wouldn't really be an issue, however I am scared our youngest teen boy might choose to stay with him and that completely breaks my heart and probably is what is stopping me leaving if I am honest.

There is still love there, but he is quite selfish, he hates communicating and so I can never really know what he is thinking (he'll say whatever to keep the status quo rolling and no 'hassle').

After a few years of us both being battered by life I suppose, it's all just too much. He changed job, the pandemic, finances, he had bereavements and depression, I have developed health problems which have affected our previously good sex life which he is not being understanding about and it just feels like the final straw.

I suppose him being unable to communicate is okay when life is going smooth-ish, but it's just like a thousand cuts the past few years and the stresses are just too much.

Neither of us are happy, but he just wants to bury head in sand and blame me for the problems between us.

I keep imagining single life, doing my own thing, not having to worry about the relationship or the impact my health issues are having on it. On the other hand, I would be devastated if he met someone else. He won't talk, let alone go to counselling, so I think at this point it's unlikely to be saved. But I worry about our youngest choosing to live with him (nothing 'huge' just both male, same interests, dad 'easier' parent, behaves better for him).

Hate hate hate the limbo feeling. Does anyone else recognise this?

I am so worn out and sad. I have PTSD so everything is a struggle for me, don't know how to get through this.

That sounds incredibly tough.

Your son might well find it easy to get on with his dad at the weekends, but how much caring does your husband do regarding domestic jobs, cooking, pick ups etc?

It's the usual story really of when DS was younger, I did most of everything, however we only have one ds and now he is 13, he has stepped up now it's easier and ds is way less work. We probably do relatively equal parenting now. They do gaming together and stuff though. He would move out to a house he owns half a mile away, I'd stay here. My worry is I think ds would gravitate more towards him. Whilst that feels okay when he is 20, I'm not ready to be a v part time parent 😥😥 I think that is what's keeping me here, but like I said neither of us are happy.

I'm so sorry to hear this, there's nothing worse than feeling in limbo. I completely understand how you feel ref DS, when my exH and I split up I was devastated at not having my DC's all the time (and they only see him every other weekend and half the hols, so not a lot).

Have you spoken to DH about the possibility of splitting up? What is his view? Or doesn't he care about that either? I have been with someone like this, I had the same visions of single life and being able to do my own thing without the happiness being sucked out of everything by DP. I ended up staying for longer than I should as it was 'easier'.

I don't really have any advice, but I am here to hand hold and send you kind thoughts whilst you're struggling x

Thanks @sandytoesallsummer , I really appreciate that. Yes I think I've realised today that ds is keeping me here. I know he is growing up, but I just can't let go yet!! I feel pretty sure he'd gravitate towards his dad's. It's difficult because his dad has a house he can move to literally 2 streets away, so ds would naturally choose there more I think (I'm not into gaming and have more rules).

I have spoken to him about splitting up. He says he doesn't want to split, but then he doesn't seem to care much, just blames me and says I am 'creating problems'. We were bumbling along okay but this year I got gynae issues and sex has been difficult, he says all the 'right' things, won't leave me for that, but when it comes to it - I can tell he is unhappy about the lack of sex and he is not very understanding. We are not as close either after a difficult few years. I still love him, but I feel like I want to run away from the pressure (of my medical issues on our sex life), and sadness. He does not seem happy either.

Thanks for listening.

You poor thing. Would he really not try counselling? Marriage counsellors can do incredible things! Maybe give him an ultimatum, counselling or that's it. It might be he sees the light if he does move out and he realises his feelings for you.

Regarding the bedroom issues, have you explored other 'options'? There are many ways to be intimate without penetrative s*x. Perhaps trying something different may help?

Just remember your DS will always be your DS. Gaming with his Dad might seem fun for a while, but he'll miss you and want his Mum. It is horrible when you don't have DC all the time but it doesn't destroy that bond, I promise you x