I'm staying with husband because I don't want to parent the kids seperately. Feel trapped

[Heavyload3]

I was with my husband for ten years before we decided to have children. I put a lot of thought in to it, and thought we'd make great parents.
We had 2 kids & suddenly my husband wasn't the parent I thought he would be. Over the years due to depression & it seems like a mid life crisis, he has become a miserable, moody man. A very withdrawn father emotionally. He's also much stricter than me.
Due to our different parenting styles and many, many other reasons our marriage has now completely failed. Now been together for 20 years. My kids are 8 and 11. I desperately want to split up, I dream about it every day. But I just can't bare the thought of the kids having to spend time alone with him without me there. I won't know what's going on, I won't know what he's doing with them etc. He's a good dad in that he provides the basics, money, food, clothes etc, but he's just not a good father when it comes to spending quality time with them, playing with them, taking them out, having fun with them.
I feel like I need to stay with him so I can still be with my kids every day, but he's draining all the joy from our family.
What do I do? People have told me before, don't wait until the kids are older, but surely that will help with regards to childcare, and that he won't need to play with them etc in the same way.

Poeple have also told me he will probably step up to the plate and be a better father if he had to do it alone, but I just don't know that he will.
I have been feeling so stressed and anxious about the situation, I've got myself very upset thinking about what if I became unwell & died or had a accident & died & they would be left with him 100% of the time. I can't bare the thought of this. Is there anything I could put in a will regarding this. I don't suppose there is

Leave. Make a life for yourself. Your poor kids will think this is what marriage is...an empty soulless life sapping experience.
He probably won't want to spend much time with them anyway.
And YOU deserve happiness too x

But I just can't bare the thought of the kids having to spend time alone with him without me there

You've admitted you marriage is over. But it sounds as though you have a lot of control issues....

I won't know what's going on, I won't know what he's doing with them etc.

Well, what happens when they go to school? You say he's a good Dad.

Have you thought about counselling?

I would urge you not to remain in such a marriage for the sake of the children because they will not say "thanks mum" to you for doing that. It will not be at all easier for you to stay and you will further become a shell of a person. Your children could eventually call you daft for staying and besides which your main reason for staying does not stack up under scrutiny. Divorce is not failure op, living in such unhappiness is. And your children will pick up on this and perhaps blame themselves.

Your own relationship with them as adults could be put under great strain because they could well see you as putting him before them. In their eyes they could see you as failing to protect them from their dad's inherent misery and moods that darken the whole household. His moodiness towards you and in turn them is actually a form of emotional abuse. I would assume he does not behave the same towards people in the outside world or to his work colleagues.

What do you want to teach your children about relationships and what are they learning here?. It's not what we say so much as what we do that matters. Telling our children they deserve healthy, respectful, and loving partnerships isn’t taken to heart if we don’t have the courage to live up to our own words. What we model for them now is very much what we might expect for them in their future relationships.

If he does not spend quality time with them now he is most unlikely to do so going forward. If he is truly a selfish father he won't want much, if anything, to do with his children post separation because they will interfere with his free time. He in all likelihood would try and make the whole process of you divorcing him as long and drawn out as possible as punishment for you leaving him. Women in poor relationships also write the good dad comment when they can think of nothing else positive to write about their man, just like you have done.
Better to be apart and potentially happier than to assume you are stuck together in your own respective miseries.

Abuse is not a relationship problem. Abuse is about power and control and this man uses moods and other methods to keep you and in turn your kids both cowed and in line.

Joint counselling is a non starter here because of his abuse and he would likely not want to attend any such counselling sessions. I would urge you to go to counselling on your own to be able to talk in both a calm and safe environment. Womens Aid would certainly be worth talking to here as would a Solicitor who could also advise you about guardianship of your children.

I hear you OP. I have a similar problem, though less extreme than yours by sound of it.

Whatever you do, and whatever ppl say on here, don't beat yourself up for not making a clean break right now. I suspect that posters who upbraid others for this reason often have very little idea of how complicated things can get with a partner who is going off the rails and kids in the mix.

That said, it does sound like you need to work either towards a break in the future or an improvement in family dynamics, or maybe both. We random strangers online can't really tell you how to go about this on the basis of a post. But don't just dream, look for ways to act, however small.

How sure are you he’d want to have much time with them by himself if he’s not very engaged at the moment?

@GreenFingersWouldBeHandy yes I suppose I do want control, but that's because I need to make sure that the kids are OK. And I don't feel that they will be when they are in his care. Like I say, I don't doubt that he won't do the basics, they will be looked after but their emotions won't be fulfilled.
My son already says often he doesn't like his dad. He would say he doesn't want to go there, I know he would

You are stressed, anxious and upset about the situation. That's no way to live. It won't be a good environment for your dc living with a stressed anxious mum, a miserable moody dad and no joy in the family.

If you don't want to leave what other steps can you take to improve things? It doesn't have to be all or nothing.

And do you think your children's emotional needs are being met in an unhappy household with a moody, miserable man around them every single day?

In a few years' time, they'll be able to choose not to see him if they wish.

What I was going to say.

especially that they will be able to choose whether they see him or not.

they grow up so, so quickly, and the teen years are absolutely crucial in determining how they’ll handle their own future relationships.

don’t expose to this terrible family life any longer

At the moment your children get no respite from him. If you were to leave then they would at least have the opportunity to have a sanctuary.

Yes your right. I suppose the break from him would be better for us and they will only have to be with him half the time. At what age can they say they don't want to see him & for it to be allowed? He's 11 at the moment

I’ve posted this before to a thread with a similar problem.

When my BIL divorced and had custody of his young Dd, he took to visiting us often as my DD was a similar age. Yes it was cop out parenting on his part, but at least his Dd had a nice fun time with us. Does he have wider family who he could/would use like this?

Perhaps find out what age children can refuse to go to be with the other parent.

Whatever happens, you will leave him eventually, it may be in one or ten years. Start making sure you know and understand your finances, speak to a solicitor to you know your rights and gradually work towards being in a good place to leave.

My ex was same. The moodiness was because he didnt like being a parent. So he has never done anything like 50:50. As soon as dc were mid teens they didnt want to stay and just went for a meal/movie once a week and the odd holiday (2-3 days). He hasnt really even tried to be a Dad - he's more like a fun uncle or godparent role now who just does the nice bits and leaves all the heavy-lifting to me. I wouldnt have expected that - I didnt expect him to ditch the DC to the extent he did as he was quite hands on before. It is damaging for them if you stay. When they are teens they will copy the behaviour/ normalise it and it will affect their own relationships - with you and potential partners. I only realised this when it was nearly too late and could see one DS copying the same behaviour. DC were upset at time of split but have since told me they prefer our home now as it is peaceful and calm and they get on better with their Dad when he only has to be an occasional parent. Also it will drag you down mental health wise to stay and they need one fully functional parent.

Given how he is now it is doubtful he will want much contact with his children post separation as they will interfere with his free time. Your children are of the age where their views will be taken into account.

Hi OP, how are things going?

At 13 they can decide which parent they want to spend time with and Cafcass will listen. This is huge because if they decide not to see the dad, they don’t have to. Legally.

It doesn’t sound as if he will want them 50/50

Leave, there is little worse for children than growing up with parents in a failed marriage. You think your hiding it - you aren’t.

They are 8 and 11 - if he doesn’t step up when they are with him, they will be more than able to tell you. He’s unlikely to want them 50/50, and there is a decent chance he will step up if you separate.

Honestly don’t waste your life like this, it’s not a good example to them.

YOU’RE hiding it, not your

can you have a grown up chat with him about it? say you're unhappy and that if you split up these are your concerns etc. Maybe mediation or something if necessary, couples therapy. He needs to hear the truth and be open to solving issues.

I would split up. It sounds like there is a very good chance he won’t be interested in having the kids over very often or may gradually chose to see them less and less, which happens so frequently. If he is is truly abusive to them in his care you can act. If he stays very moody as the children get older they may prefer to see less of him independently. He is still their dad however, sing a grump Eeyore isn’t a crime. If you postpone leaving him it means you will miss 8-10 years when you could have been building a new life, you will just be that much older.

*typo, being a grumpy Eeyore isn’t a crime.

Don't stay. We stayed together far longer than we should have and it wasn't good for anyone.
If you know the marriage is over and not salvageable then make plans to split. Get counseling for yourself and see a solicitor.
It won't be easy and it will be hard and you will feel very sad, splitting up a family isn't easy but sometimes it is the right thing to do. If you plan it carefully your kids will be ok. But if you stay and leave it until they are older teens they won't thank you for it.