When someone takes

[TurnipTime]

full responsibility and blame for their anger and violence, seeks out therapy and help, is there hope for change?

Why take the risk if they've been violent?

The risk of staying/getting back with them, I mean.

That isn't what I asked.

Ask yourself this.. are they taking the responsibility because they have to or are they doing it because they want to? Then you have your answer

Ditto Changed.

Although I believe there is nearly always hope (of anything, even euromillions 🤞🏼)

If you are asking as you for you then if you are taking full responsibility and accepting all the consequences of your actions and want to, and are, becoming a better person, then why wouldn’t there be hope that you can achieve that?

However if it’s for other reasons - to avoid jail, avoid public knowledge, to regain a relationship, keep a job or home etc then those are all still selfish, self-centring reasons and not a sign of fundamental change.

Therapy is easy to fake imo, and abusers have even faked ‘wanting’ therapy as a means to access more vulnerable victims, or used relationship therapy to further manipulate a partner.

So the motivation for accepting responsibility, and the method of accessing help, are both key factors in how much credence I’d personally give to an abuser’s ‘new leaf’.

And even then I wouldn’t expect a victim to forgive/forget because that is entirely separate to whether an abuser wishes to become a better human being or not (so I’m dittoing Old too)

What is your own view on it Turnip?

And even then I wouldn’t expect a victim to forgive/forget because that is entirely separate to whether an abuser wishes to become a better human being or not (so I’m dittoing Old too

I don't know if it's even forgive/forget but just risk being abused again.

That isn't what I asked.

I was saying you can't know if that particular abuser has changed, so it's probably not worth the risk of getting back with them again, if that's what you're considering. I think a few change but it's quite rare- most often the victim is signing up for more abuse if they get back with them.

Usually they are faking change as part of their persuasion to try and reel the victim back in.

There is always hope. I suppose it's whether you're prepared to waste your time/life/moving on if that hope proves unfounded.

Well, I would say two things.

Firstly, some men can put on a very very good front indeed, when they need to, and so I would always be wary that although they appear to be doing all these things, it is part of their image clean up rather than genuine, and it would be impossible to be sure which was happening and

Secondly, I think hope for change is a risky concept. I mean, they might change their behaviour for good, or for a little while until a bit stressor crops up when they can't control it again. So staying in a relationship with someone like that would always involve insecurity, risk and uncertainty,

Start fresh, with someone who doesn't need to go to therapy to learn how not to be violent

@TurnipTime It depends - if they really want to change / go for counselling they might be a remote possibilty - Some personality disorders wont change - no matter how much counselling they have.....

Unlikely. People don't change that much.

What does 'hope' mean? Possibility? Yes, there's a possibility. Likelihood? It's pretty unlikely. Or something else? What does 'hope' mean to you in this context, @TurnipTime ?

IId say the other person needs therapy fir even considering it. I don't mean that in a harsh way. Simply that if your boundaries are so poor you'd let someone violent bsbk into your life under ANY circumstances, you are in no place for a relationship. Because you don't even like yourself, let alone love yourself. So you cannot be trusted to protect yourself from harmful people. So you wpuld be the last person who should give someone who gas form for...overstepping boundaries, a chance.

Get therapy yourself. Stay single for at least a year. Then see how you feel.

@TurnipTime - sounds like you’re wanting to be told that it’s okay to stay with an abuser based on the hope that they will behave better in the future. No-one in their right mind will tell you or anyone else that. Because you might well find yourself permanently injured or dead at the abuser’s hands because it turns out that - after all - they didn’t change. Or they didn’t change enough. Relationship decisions should be based on who someone is and how they’ve behaved in the past - not on the hope that they might become someone else.

The Freedom Programme (meeting in real life or on Zoom) is excellent to do after an abusive relationship. www.freedomprogramme.co.uk/

”My stbxh is a liar and it really pisses me off that he reinvents the truth to anyone who listens to him….For example, telling people in his family that he had to restrain me when he assaulted me a while ago which [isn’t] true at all.”

You wrote the above a few days ago. He’s a violent liar who reinvents the truth whenever it suits him. He is not going to change.

Therapy won’t work for lying abusers, as they will manipulate the therapist/therapy session with more lies. Just like he is manipulating you now.

Turnip, why on earth would you re-subject your children and yourself to an emotionally and physically dangerous home with this angry, violent liar?

Never ever give a violent man a second chance.