I am sorry, this will be long, but I need to get things off my chest and need advice. But there are several things I need to mention abotu my situation and my problem so that it is clear. So pardon me for this essay.
I am in my early 30s, my partner in his early 40s. We have common hobbies and have been together for 5 years, living together for 3.
Lately our relationship has been going downhill. I am sad about it and I keep thinking if I should move on. I would be happy for another person's POV, although I do realize I may have done mistakes I may have not noticed, too.
Several months ago, we had a conversation about starting a family. I've wanted one for years, but didn't want to push him into it, only mentioned it rarely. He'd always postponed. He said he himself doesn't particularly want children, but he'd do it for his partner. That was before we were in a relationship and basically what he said ever since. We kind of agree we may start to try to get pregnant in a few month's time. However, he started to get distant, ignore me at times and get upset over things I didn't know were a trigger and he'd stonewall me for maybe a couple of weeks over a thing I said I found trivial. Problem is, he never tries to talk things out and find a solution. He'd just ignore me, don't talk much until I do something he's allegedly waiting for, or until I adress the issue. This has been wearing me out.
We talked about this later and he agreed it may have been caused by the stress of the possibility of starting a family. He said he likes to be with me, but there are things that bother him in our relationship, although they are minor, but he wasn't sure if he could live with those forever. And having a child would be a forever commitment. His issues with me are that I am not intimate enough. Or not too touchy from my iniciative.
He also likes to talk about sex. Or rather, write about it, as he says he is shy to talk in person, which is something I tried working on, but I am still not so comfortable with. I tried to tell him it is at least more comfortbale for me to talk face to face, but he likes to write, so he uses every chance when we are apart for a weekend or so. And I find it hard. If I write something casual, he may take it wrongly (by overanalyzing, I'd say) and then be upset about it, so I have to explain how it was meant and it really doesn't help the mood. I feel uncomfortable in these conversations, but try my best to not cut them short. When I try to end them, even if after a couple of hours, it rubs him the wrong way, too. So I tend to feel like I am walking on eggshells and like these conversations even less.
Problem is, when we are apart, nearly all written conversations tend to stir this way and I am subconsciously trying to avoid them. So, especially when I am busy, I wouldn't iniciate a convesation all that much. Maybe once a day. We were apart for a week like this, I was working on a project and he was with his friends. We did have thes conversations about twice for a few hours. At the end of the week, he'd tell me what a pity it is we couldn't exchange more messages, he hoped to write to me more. Which made me feel bad, but then again, it was nearly always me who wrote to him first. If one wants to converse, wouldn't one try more actively?
Another of my mistake is that I have never told him that I love him. I do, but I just can't get these words out of my mouth. I don't think I even told my parents, either, and I just have some stupid block. I try to show rather than say, but I have probbaly not been expressive enough. He didn't bring this up and didn't tell me much, either, so I thought he'd come to terms with it, but I later learned it wasn't the case, he was waiting all the time to tell me and was upset because of it. Which I agree is a mistake on my part. I will have to find the courage, althoguh it will be hard for me.
These things that bother him - potential family and therefore commitment, and my lack of intimacy are two reasons why he started a good friendship with a young acquintance of ours. She is in her early twenties, they started talking, and apparently they understand each other very well. She has her boyfriend, too, and he said (when I confronted him about it) that they are just friends. They even spoke about them being attracted, but decided that should their relationship threaten to become something more, they would cut it short, they both want to stay in their relationships. Needless to say, this wasn't very comforting for me. He cancelled plans we had together (and he made), which he never did before, to be with her a couple of times. And he went to visit her in a hospital in another town after her surgery and didn't tell me about it. But I found out. They were conversing a lot and I do believe him that there was nothing physical between them, but I feel like this is kind of emotional cheeting. I was upset that he was obviously trying to keep things from me, which had to have a reason.
I takled to my partner about this relationship of his when it was already unbearable for me. I was mentally prepared to break up with him then and there depending on his answer,
I had a conversation with him where I learned the problems he had in our relationship, we were honest with each toher, I told him my problems - this friend of his, the fact that I would like to have a family and I am not the youngest anymore and also that I would appreciate him taking on some chores. He mows the grass. Picks up something when I ask him and sometimes helps me take out the trash if there's a lot and is a bit too much to carry for me alone. But that's it, I do everything else.
But the biggest thing I wanted was for him to either pick his friend or me. I wouldn't have any self respect if I stayed in a relationship like this when he gave me a reason not to trush him completely. The talk was long and we were both tired, so he didn't give me a straight answer, and I told him we can finish this another time. Since then, he tried to patch things up by being more cuddly and I tried, too. He may have lessened the contact with said person, but he didn't cut her completely.
He asked about sex soon after that, and I told him that first, I would like to hear his decision about his relationship with the friend vs. me. And he kept silent since, for a couple of moths. We weren't intimate in this time, which would normally frustrate him, but apparently, not enough to start the conversation, I guess. He tends to just let trouble be, not confront it. So I will probably have to be the ne to bring it up eventually.
And last week things changed for me. I made a huge mistake, in one day I got cheated of all my savings and got into a rather large debt due to phishing done by a very organized group. My parents freaked out when they found out. My dad said he nearly had a stroke, didn't eat for two days and is very stressed about it. Which makes me probably more stressed than the whole thing and I feel guilty. I don't want to bring any stress to my parents. I was stupid and I shall deal with it myself. My dad has been unable to talk to me personally or over the phone, as he often did before, now he only writes messages, but he's doing all he can to help and offer advice, looking for advice etc.
I am stressed about the situation, I lost my appetite, started saving on everything and I lost weight - 2,5 kg in a week. And I always struggled with losing even 1 kg.
I look for solutions while trying to keep it together, be strong for my parents who took it badly, and not to break down. I believe I can do this, I have a good job, but I could still use some suppport from my partner. He did hug me when I told him and we fell asleep hugging one another, but since then, he doesn't even touch me much. He's been coming late from work - they had a big event, so I understand, but he never asked about how I was doing, what was new, if I had solutions, he didn't offer any advice and doesn't seem interested at all, which I am sad about. So I don't bring it up, only tell him my plans to save money when it comes to our common expenses.
Even the police officer offered more support than my partner did and people from the bank when I was solving this were trying to cheer me up or emphasized that I shouldn't do anything stupid. Which I am not planning, no.
My partner only once asked about how my dad was doing, so I told him, but he never showed any worry about me or interest about my situation. At least not verbally, not checking on me, not helping with chores, not doing any small gestures (at least that I noticed). When I tried to cuddle a few times, or at least touch him when watching a movie, it was mostly not reciprocated. Could he have taken this badly, too? He does at least talk to me normally, though, about other things.
As for finance, we don't have a shared account - well, we do, but only for the living expenses, no savings there, so financially this would not affect him. Well, I did pay a bit more and any extra household expenses were paid by me since I have a better paying job, but some of those he may not have even known about. Or forgot that we had to pay this or that and I took care of it.
And the first weekend after this happened to me, he spent the Saturday with his parents who needed some help, which is fine with me, but he didn't exactly rush home. He stayed a few more hours for dinner there and returned late. And on Sunday, he went out with his guy friend after lunch, returning when I was asleep and I felt lonely. I don't want him to spend all his time with me, I also like my alone time, but I just need to feel like he is there for me at this time.
I am also having my hobbies, coming home late some days regularly, but he has his activities, too, and others we have in common. So I do not expect him to spend all his time with me. I never forbid him or never asked him not to go somewhere (well, except for ending his relationship with aforementioned friend), so it is not like I am controlling, but I naively expected some support at this time. When he was ill or after surgery, I cancelled some of my plans to stay at home with him, I took care of him and of everything.
And now, I don't expect a financial help, but an emotional suppport or an advice or anything to show that he cares and is there for me when I feel down would make me feel better. He's been sharing his stress at work with me, I was asking about it, but it doesn't go the other way, so I am just trying to look like I am fine with everything, but I wonder if he's pulling away. Other than this, he communicates normally. It may be just me being too sensitive at this time.
I feel bad because of my financial situation now, because my parents are stressed about it, too. I wanted a family, but I am not sure if it is even possible in my situation now and with my partner. Now I worry about my relationship, too.
We haven't been physically intimate for a couple of months now, ever since our last conversation. I was hoping he would bring it up, tell me his decision, but he's probably just trying to drag this out until it takes care of itself.
And maybe now with my new trouble, he is even more reluctant to solve this. Should I bring it up? I will probably have to, eventually, anyway. What would you do? If I want him to stop talking to his friend, is it too much for me to ask? He will be meeting her at some activities we all have in common, still, so he won't be able to avoid her completely, but if he says, as he mentioned as a good enough solution for him, that he would talk to her less often, that they would grab a coffee perhaps once a month, would you accept that? I am trying not to be jealous and I never restricted him, but I am upset he lied to me about meeting her before. Meaning he had things to hide and therefore I don't trust him with this relationship with her. He mentioned I am giving him ultimatums - me or her, but is that really an ultimatum? You can't have a relationship with two people, right? Unless they both agree.
If anyone managed to read this, please, let me know your thoughts, experiences, advice, anything. I would appreciate that very much.