Friendship in your 30's

[ChickLitAllDay]

Hi all,

I am a female in my 30's and I live in a small town. In my 20's I moved around a lot for work so I never really had the opportunity to make solid friendships. I am now in my dream job and I have settled in a small town I quite like but I don't have friends here and I am finding it hard to make new friendships. I am still close to 2 of my friends from when I was secondary school, both have very young babies so it is hard to arrange to meet up, which I totally understand, and we all live about 2 hours away from each other, so we cant arrange a spur of the moment get together.

I have tried to join groups and I have put myself out there in work, I have met a few ladies however they are a good 15 to 20 years older than me and as wonderful as those ladies are I feel like we are at different stages of our life's, so from a social aspect this is difficult. I am hoping to strike up relationships with people who have similar interests. Is there anyone out there in the same situation or has anyone got any advice on how to meet people my age?

Thank you for the help!

When you say you've tried to join groups, what do you mean? Clubs or interest groups? Those seem the best way to meet people who share your interests, but from what you say, the people you've met via them are too old for you ? Or did you meet these people through work? I suppose my other question is how you envisage the friendships you want -- what do you want them to do? Different having friends you meet to hillwalk at the weekends to wanting people to go clubbing with, for instance...?

Hi @ShellGrotto, so the town I live in doesn't have much to offer but I have joined the run club, the gym, yoga classes and I signed up to the online app 'girl crew' (which has since shut down). I am not looking for anything major just someone to go for coffees with, perhaps a walk, or dinner or the odd night out (I am not much of a part queen so this really isn't necessary). I know it sounds silly but I was hoping to meet people who are at a similar stage, going through the same stages in life as me, so maybe the process of buying a house, or planning a family - I am not sure if that is a silly expectation though. The ladies I have met have been through work and I genuinely love spending time with them but they also have established lives and aren't after the same relationship as I am.

No, that makes sense, though some of my closest friends are quite a bit older than I am. Are there no people of your age in the clubs you joined? Are you open to friendships with men? Again, I have some close, wonderful male friends, and I often notice that men friends seem to be discounted on here, even by people who say they are lonely. I'd be poorer without mine.

You clearly love your job, but don't seem that keen on your town -- which I can understand if the social opportunities are limited. Are you committed to living there, or could you move to somewhere more lively? How long have you lived there?

I ask because sometimes I think there can just be a mismatch between person and place. I've moved around a lot in my life too, but never in my 50 years struggled to make or keep friends, apart from a stint in a large midlands village where I just didn't gel at all with anyone, despite putting myself out there in all ways, volunteering, inviting people over, getting involved in village stuff, having a child at school in the village school etc. I tried for years and then moved countries to a small city where I immediately found wonderful people to befriend, so it doesn't seem as though it was me, just a mismatch of person and place.

It's great you enjoy your job but it's just a job at the end of the day and not enough to compensate for loneliness.

Does your work offer coffee connections or schemes where you're get to chat to staff at other departments?

You say you are thinking about starting a family, I think once you get to the stage of joining ante natal classes and baby groups you’ll meet heaps of people and have opportunities to strike up new friendships easily. Having a baby is very sociable.

depends how far off that is tho.

That's a huge presumption. Many women are lonely and isolated during pregnancy and beforehand. Lots of cliques in these "echelons" too. It's pot luck if you meet someone you actually get on with rather than use them instrumentally because now you've got having a baby in common.

@ShellGrotto actually I feel terrible now but I didn't really consider male friendships - how do you strike a friendship with a male? I know that sounds stupid but I would hate to give off mixed signals. The groups I have gone to have a mixture of men and women but again older than me. I also find sometimes in gym classes there isn't much opportunity to strike up conversation either, people kind of arrive just as the class starts and then run out very quick at the end.

In regards to where I live at the moment I am very rural - about 40 mins from the town I work but I do spend a lot of time in the town - my weekends or evening after work etc. I have also just bought a house about 20 - 25 mins to the town so I will be closer still and I hope this would open more opportunities to me. I am in the stage of life where I want to settle and I am just trying to make roots, its just a bit difficult to make those roots.

I thought maybe I might be approaching conversations wrong, I kind of strike up conversation and then sometimes I don't know how to move forward with it. Is it weird to ask someone you just met out for a coffee straight away?

@ShuffleCase we are planning in starting in 12 months - I was worried if I didn't have a support group before hand would i be isolating myself more?

Sorry for all the silly questions, this is actually harder than dating!

Hi op I know what you mean. Im finding in my walking group they retired or minding kids. So we at different stages. Its def hard. Im 49.

Hi @Mary46 I am sorry to hear that too. Are there other group/club options where you are from?

When you are pregnant there are mum (and dad) to be groups, when a baby arrives there are mum(and dad) toddler groups and then the fun that is the school gates!

Search the internet, Facebook groups, meet up, are there any green volunteer groups, you said rural is there a community farm type of thing, or a group that meets on Saturday a month to help clear walking paths? That sort of thing.

Other option is to work a couple of shifts weekend in the local pub

Thanks chicklit I dont get many windows as my daughter in sport at wends. Finding friends are cancelling plans lately. Flakey. I have a dog so that gets me out. Im not into book clubs.

Start playing tennis. It is by far the most social thing I have ever done and I was not looking to make new friends. Its kind off impossible not to especially with doubles !

Gas workshy I used work in one. They were awful very aloof! It put me off it. My school driver says golf can be similar. So not tennis lol

My colleague was new to our area and joined a social group. She has made loads of new friends and met people to go on hols with. I made a lot of new friends with the wives of my husbands friends so maybe when you meet someone that might happen. Toddler groups etc. running groups are very social. I’m sure it will happen for you xx

Two of my closest male friends are former colleagues, one of them also an ex from a long time ago. My most recent friendship with a man is with the father of one of DS’s friends — we gelled on the sidelines of their football matches.