Why do I do this?

[trussanomics]

I know I need to see a therapist for this. I will. I know it's attachment related.
But it's a pattern for me and I don't know why I do it or how to stop it.

I am divorced, 3DC, been seeing a new guy who is also divorced, seeing him for 2 months but known him longer (2 years.) He has always been open and consistent. He also seems to be quite intuitive - has always come closer and given me space at the right moments.

We went away together at the end of last week and slept together for the first time. It was great, we shared a hotel room, felt very close. Towards the end of the trip we were talking about the future and plans. Said goodbye at the airport, I felt on Cloud 9, both stated the feeling was mutual, then got home and started mulling it over. I started to get niggling doubts. Like maybe the joke is on me, maybe he is secretly laughing at me, maybe he thinks I am easy or pathetic or out of his league, maybe I am gullible and stupid and can't see that it's just a silly fling and he's using me. A lot of this is language my mum used to comment when I connected with people or had relationships outside the family when I was growing up to try and stop me from doing it. Obviously I don't recognise this at the time, my thoughts just run away with me.

We texted a bit that evening with all this buzzing around the back of my head. I told him I had rescheduled a flight for Wednesday. He said he had plans wednesday but would reschedule them to see me if I wanted to and was now available. He then followed up with something about how the biggest problem in our relationship is going to be time and how we have to make time for each other but that he has engagements all this week and he would try and cancel Wednesday and this month is really difficult but he promises that December and the new year will be great, "and we will have lots of opportunities to be together next year."

I don't know what came over me, but I hung up and I blocked him. I just felt like it all added up to the things I suspected. I then just descended into depression for three days and I started drinking and binge eating. Once I pulled myself out of it today, I unblocked him and apologised and said I had, had some technical problems with my phone. He said "No you didn't. you blocked me." I just don't know how to explain any of this. I just can't bear the uncertainty and not knowing what is going on and all the many thoughts my brain throws at me. I hate the anticipation or the feeling of not knowing how someone will respond. And it's not just him, I've done it before - cutting people out for weeks and descending into a depressive mood and bad habits - friends and relationships. People think it is manipulative but to me it feels more of a protective measure. You can't hurt me if you can't get to me.

Does anyone else do it? What is it? How do I stop?

@trussanomics

I think your worried about being hurt and because you now slept with him you feel on edge. Getting close to someone is too much for you.

You lack trust so your overthinking everything he saying maybe what you suspect isn't true.

I do think you need to speak to a counsellor before ruining this or end it and work on yourself but think you are trying to protect yourself. Then go off in a depressed state for maybe no reason.

Your not speaking to the other person telling them your feelings just jumping to conclusions.

I get that you are afraid of being hurt. I am at the point where I know I can’t and won’t fully emotionally invest in a relationship again. I won’t be fully vulnerable to anyone ever again.

But that was a positive conversation. You changed your flight and his response was to try and rearrange his plans to see you. Then talked about how important it was to make time for eachother. I do think you need to step back from this relationship and get some professional support. The problem you have is that your fears are leading you to a place where you skirting the line of emotional abuse.

Blocking him for days and ignoring him and then lying about what you did as part of your apology, is going into emotional abuse territory. I know that’s hard to hear and I know that’s not your intention. But it is the outcome.

Sometimes, we need to work on ourselves before we start damaging other people due to our own issues. I know, after abuse, it’s terrifying. But it needs to be done. It’s a long road and it’s not easy. But I really think you need to this.

How old are your kids? Do you work or have hobbies/friends that can distract you and give you some breathing room rather than obsessing over this while you decide what you want to do next?

Good luck and I hope things get better.

I don't think you're ready to date right now. If this was flipped around and a man did this 90% of people would advise the woman to run far away as this will continue to happen and is sabotaging the relationship.

You sound like you have an avoidant attachment style, maybe therapy or CBT can help you.

You can't mess people around with nonsense like blocking. It's hurtful and dickish behaviour. I echo a previous poster's advice to get some therapy before you think about entering a relationship.

If he's still in contact, be honest about what you did. Don't make excuses. Not with the aim of staying together, but just as a step to stop these behaviours > the cover up lies are as bad as the cutting off.

If you're completely honest with yourself, how much is alcohol a crutch to you? It sounds almost like you subconsciously looked for a reason to go off on a binge? You talk about it being a depressive thing, but it just seems to me like a self-created trigger to drink.

I think therapy will help and you shouldn't really date until you've got more of a handle on all this.

I agree with this about emotional abuse. It is bordering on that when you start blocking people or ignoring them for days on end, then you come back and make an excuse and want to carry on as before. It’s not fair to him, and you’re right that you need to work on this. Maybe it’s the wrong time for a relationship for you, you are aware that this isn’t normal behaviour and are going to seek help so that’s a really positive step. Just be careful not to hurt someone else whilst you’re doing this. He was re-arranging things to see you, we all have a life and work commitments mean you can’t just drop everything when you enter a new relationship.

Who looked after your kids while you were drinking over a man?

Agree with the comments above…you have fear of rejection only when you become close to the person or vulnerable.

definitely seek counselling to explore this issue and work out steps in the future to prevent such self destructive behaviour.

maybe you’re not ready for a relationship or this one doesn’t suit you… as he is unavailable. things you can explore with a therapist.

as for him… I think you need to tell him the truth…and maybe discuss your fears about commitment… see if this relationship can move forward

You didn't mean to be unkind, as there are reasons for your behaviour.
But, recognise from his perspective how horrible this was for him. There he was, happily embarking on a new relationship, and all the excitement that brings, and out of no where, blocked. He would have had a horrible few days. As a result of your behaviour. It was selfish, as you didn't consider how he would feel about this. Own this, apologise with complete honesty - your opening post explains it well. I'm not sure where you're at now with him, he will probably run, but either way explain everything either as a chance to still be with him or as an apology.

I think you've probably lost this one , but maybe it's best you find someone's closer to home anyway ?

Not as way of getting him back but just as an explanation so he doesn't feel like shit, maybe screen shot him your op and tell him you are going to find help for these issues

"You can't hurt me if you can't get to me".

Sorry, but bollocks. What you should have said is "I will hurt you first so you can't hurt me" because that is what you are doing. And even on this thread you are trying to minimise it and portray yourself as a victim - your background and your feelings and your insecurities are the problem.

Your poor mental health is not a getbout of jail free card for treating people badly. Do you do this to your children?

You should apologise properly to this man. Then seek actual therapy and support. My advice to him would be that unless you prove thay you are willing to work on this issues he should end this relationship for good because otherwise he will ve constantly in edge. He will have to walk on eggshells, constantly reassure you, rearrange his life or preferences so as ot to trigger your insecurities. Basically, he will be in a controlling and emotionally abusive relationship.

Hi OP. Whilst i cant relate to your actions your description of the need to self protect so pushing someone away before they can do it to you, i can so relate to. I think its a classic anxiety response. And the good news is that you can get help with anxiety.

My anxiety didn't particularly manifest itself in my response to relationships. But for some examples i have never competed in a sport, or in a pub quiz or applied for a promotion or done a job interview. I wont play any games with friends or family where points are involved as for me it then gets stressful. For me this is all about being terrified of failure. And if you dont compete/apply/play then you can't lose so you dont get 'found out' and you dont have to deal with the feelings of losing that confirm how worthless you are.

This style of thinking was applying to more and more areas of my life and i was becoming more and more restricted. I was fearful of everything and the mental chatter was exhausting and i needed help.

I got a course of intensive cbt on the nhs and it has been life changing. And day to day i am hugely better and able to deal with life with much more resilience.

I am currently being hugely challenged by a situation at work-and its my first major test. After about a year of stability and a good patch.