Please please help me not to feel like this

[WhycantIadult]

Hello,

I've not long came out of a long term relationship. Been rocky for a while. I was willing to talk (even though really I think too much water has passed under the bridge so to speak) because he was being so nice but he said he only wanted to talk to say it had run it's course.

I was quite sad but it was fine, still managed DC and he continued being nice. On Friday we attended a family event together (with DC) and I must admit, I felt tearful at times (didn't show it) because it was so easy and we are no longer a couple but I genuinely mean I had fully accepted it, his things are no longer in the house and DC all fine. I did suggest talking again after this and he said there wasn't any point so I left it.

Yesterday he says he could come over to stay and we can start afresh. No mention of talking about any previous issues which was what I said we had to do if we were going to talk. Despite feeling like I missed him I wasn't happy with this. I'd just asked him again, he said no then thought he could just come over with the kids in as if the past few months haven't happened? I told him this and I'll admit I was probably a bit short in my response but I have been gradually trying to get myself together (despite Friday) and he'd just decided to change his mind after I've been quite emotional over the whole thing.

He said I clearly didn't understand him. I told him he was out of order. He told me I was mental. I told him he was a manipulative dick. He replied fuck off cunt and blocked me.

I realise how juvenile all this sounds but I am honestly in bits. DC would have been fine with him over, I just felt he was taking the piss after knowing how I felt and not addressing the issues.

Anyway, I wish I had just said ok and maybe we could have talked while he was here, perhaps that was his plan? I feel devastated all over again. I hate myself right now. I wanted to sort it out and now I've shot myself in the foot by coming across indignant and unstable. I asked to talk then because he said no, a day later I told him he couldn't stay even though it's what I wanted.

I'm in tears and all I want to do is call him and say sorry and ask him to come but I know he'll say no now and I'll feel even more shit. I'm going to have to deal with him because of DC. I don't know how to stop this pain.

I think what you wanted was perfectly reasonable. A conversation about what happened, what happens next? He is effectively saying there is only his way of doing things, which I rather think was just to carry on without any discussion, and as if the split hadn't happened? Because you had a different, perfectly reasonable view he has called you vile things, is gaslighting you, and has spit his dummy as things didn't immediately go his way. He is behaving very badly. Does he have form for this sort of thing, and being so immature and volatile?

I told him he was out of order and called him a manipulative dick though. I didn't even calmly ask if he wanted to talk while here, he hadn't said anything about it and it's always been that way that we just pretend things haven't happened so I just assumed. He didn't say he wanted to after I said this though, just I don't understand him which was hurtful to hear because I feel I've nothing but be supportive. Then the fuck off cunt thing made me feel so bad when I read it. But yes, he has been like this before. Used to be really often but I'd say not as much the past couple of years so I really felt we could get somewhere. I should have given him the chance to come over and see if he said anything. I'm honestly devastated.

It doesn't sound like a healthy dynamic at all, OP.

Keep your distance, talk about things that concern the DC only, and remind yourself you will get through this, things will get better.

I wish I had just said ok and maybe we could have talked while he was here, perhaps that was his plan?

You mean apart from the bit where he clearly stated that his plan was to brush it all under the carpet and carry on as if nothing had happened?

That could never work. You did the right thing by putting your foot down to say it wouldn't.

I'm not sure frankly why you weren't more suspicious when, after saying repeatedly it had run its course, he just randomly decided one day it hadn't and he could move back in. If you'd gone along with it, all that would have happened is he would have decided at some later point it had run its course (again) and moved out again. None of that is fair to your kids.

Far better to move on. He's not serious about being in a partnership with you and he clearly doesn't have his kids' best interests at heart.

You did the right thing.

Of course you feel terrible now, but you'd have to be out of your mind to let him move back in without talking about what went wrong and both doing the work to sort it out if it was possible.

You recognised he was taking the piss. You weren't wrong. He was.

Thank you. I don't think he meant move straight back in, just to come and stay and go from there? The thing is, he wanted us to get married but because of the issues I didn't feel ready so now I think it's possible he felt rejected? Sorry, I don't want to make out as if this is all him.

You'd still be out of your mind to have him stay as a temporary thing - it's not fair on the children for him to move in and out.

if he wants to get back together, it needs to be done properly and thoughtfully, considering the disruption to the children. You need to know it's going to work. You need to know he's committed to working on it together, not just pretending nothing happened.

He's not putting the children's interests first to want to give them false hopes and mixed messages.

But yes, it's unhealthy and I have known that for a long time. I just thought things were getting a better then back to square one. I feel downtrodden. I have no social life because all my free time was spent with him. I look like crap because I feel so down and only made the effort to look nice if he was there.

I'm reading back my own posts and I sound absolutely ridiculous. It's no wonder this is how it has turned out if I'm behaving so miserable. I tried to call him withheld and he didn't answer because he knows it will be me. I think if I can just get to tomorrow it will be the start of a new week and it will hopefully hurt less if I am distracted with the day to day.

If it stands any chance of working out for you, he needs to have a bit of respect for your wishes. He wants to come back as though nothing happened, you don't, so that's too bad for him isn't it? He needs to have a bit of patience and go at your pace.
With DC its really important not to be pinballing between him coming and going, very unsettling for them, so I'd want some confidence things had been worked through and it had a good chance of working out before I let him back.
A decent mature guy would understand and want this too for his DC sake. The fact that he seems only interested in what he wants and reacts like an abusive teenager when he doesn't get it speaks volumes.

He told you to 'fuck off cunt' and you're desperate to talk to him?

No.. You've dodged a bullet. Seriously.

I called him a manipulative dick though so I started the swearing. Think I'm feeling so upset because maybe he was really serious, I've assumed the worst and it's upset him especially with me saying that? He sounded so happy before that when he was talking about other stuff. I just can't start something again when we have DC without knowing the proper steps are put in place so it lasts.

Are there really relationships where no one ever says anything bad or gets angry? I just feel everyone I've met has done it so thought it was normal. I hate it when people are angry with me and feel that when I'm trying to stand up for myself I do it wrong and it makes it worse. I just want to be happy and not worried or upset but I don't know how much is my own doing.

Sorry I am waffling. I'm trying to keep myself together. Can't help thinking I wouldn't be crying if he was here and we could be cuddling watching TV right now.

It's only been sweary and angry toward the end of relationships for me - I don't think it's normal for that to be regular in ongoing relationships.

Yes, you could have put your very sensible requirements to one side and your reward would have been having him there this evening.
But you would pay a high price for that as you would have had to set aside what you wanted and do things on his terms. Would you really be less anxious if he came back without things being sorted? Will you really be less upset living life how he wants it regardless of what you want? You need to see the big picture here. A quick fix feel good evening is not worth being his doormat for.

Thank you. It was always like this but got a bit better.

I know thank you. I'm reading what I've written and I didn't think I was this weak. It's boy as if I've not been alone before, this is the worst I've ever felt with a break up.

You can sweep unresolved issues under the carpet and be expected to carry on like nothing happened.

It doesn't work like that.

It's probably for the best he blocked you you both need space.
You feel upset but he is treating you so bad.
To move on things need to be addressed first.

Actual footage from the inside of your ex’s head:

Him: “huh, my new shag isn’t the adoring glamorous hassle-free reliving of my youth i vaguely imagined. I know, i’ll go back to @WhycantIadult’s and she’ll be so glad to see me it will repair my ego.”
you: “no. Obvs.”
Him: “it’s SO unfair, why can’t i behave like a massive dick without being called out on it? I just want everyone to tell me i’m right and obey my every whim without question. Why do all the women i meet insist on reacting to the awful things I say and do in a negative way? I just wanted a gratitude and undying adulation for the gift of my (strictly limited) notice. Is that too much to ask? WAAAAHHH Mummy, the mean lady didn’t treat me like the god i know myself to be WAAAAHHH! I know. I’ll insult her. THAT’S the mature response i’ve been searching for. God i’m great”.

@Equiphant that actually made me crack a smile! I don't believe he's been with anyone else but who knows. What I do know is that's exactly the kind of stuff he'll be saying to his Mum!

God, really? He really is a peach isn’t he.
stay strong. You will rise above all this and in a few months not even believe you gave it headspace.

Continuing the thoughts of Peach's thoughts....

"Shit, that didn't go well , what shall I do next, I know I'll go back to mummy, and play the perfect son, mind you I'll have to do something to keep her sweet, put up a shelf or take her shopping, shit, can't have that for too long, and I can't roll in bollocked, or smoke a joint there"
"Could go back to the ow but she's realising what a loser I am, and her curries arn't quite as good as @WhycantIadult
Her house stinks a bit as well"

"Fuck, Fuck,Fuck, better go out again try my luck with another victim, but I've got to iron my own shit before I get ready, Fuck ! can't ask mom again. Shit what about my dick, I need sex, free sex, and I'm tired, can't be arsed, why won't that silly bint just do as she's told and adore me"

"It should be so simple, take me back, iron my shirts, cook my dinner, see the kids whilst she looks after them, I can shout at her to release tension and then fuck off to a club and find another shag, one a bit younger though than the last one, she got a bit demanding"

"God @WhycantIadult is such a devious bitch"

Maybe you feel so bad because he has effectively made you feel this is 'your fault'. It isn't. Is there something in your history where you made to feel things you were fault, even when they weren't? Sometimes if this is the sort of thing that happened in childhood, it can feel doubly crap. As a child you would have been helpless. It may feel the same, but you have much more power now you are an adult.