Scared to date/extremely lonely

[Rochellebee]

I’m a single parent. I was intentionally taking time off dating to work on myself (think and analyse my past relationships, work out, focus on hobbies). Now I had time to think I might have created wrong/bad narrative on my past, but I’m also scared it’s true and I’m unlovable. My first big relationship was with father of my son I was with for 6 years who was cheating throughout the relationship and 4 years telling me he is not attracted to me. After him I had about 8 months relationship where the man told me the love wore off and we don’t have much to offer to each other. Last one lasting for little bit over a year was total narcissist and it ended violent. I had loads of short term flights and was ghosted many times. Last guy even planned a date after seeing me for few weeks and on a day of the date when I asked what time he is picking me up he told me “oh sorry I met someone last week” (like so casually when I thought throughout the entire week we are going on a date and spending evening together - I even got babysitter!). I am now just realising I never really had a good or decent relationship (I’m in my mid 30s). Those thoughts led me to think about myself and I’m so worried and anxious to date again . I am scared no one will want me. I’m scared I’ll choose wrong again (I do recognise ted flags, but they tend to appear later on when I’m all in). At the same time I am lonely and have been single for 3 years and being in relationship is something I hugely desire. Any help how to overcome all this?

Sounds like you are scared to be alone and therefore your standards are low....just my first thought from reading your post.

Raise the bar, you deserve to valued for who you are.

Never settle, you have untapped quality and will meet someone who will want the true you

Have you had any counselling or therapy? You've been through some traumatic things, emotional abuse from your son's father, emotional & physical abuse from subsequent partners. I would look to rebuild your "shark cage", either with professional help or if that's unaffordable, self-help. There's the Freedom Programme which I think is low-cost. Do you come from a loving family background, or does your feeling of being unloveable stem from childhood?

I think you need to work on feeling happy/content on your own, building healthy friendships and making the most of your life as a single person, so making sure that when you do start dating again, you're not coming from a place of "need" but rather knowing you're a catch and not having that sense "no-one will want me", because that's dangerous and leads you to accepting shit off men.

Thank you so much for answers. I did have bad childhood and both my parents left me when I was 12. So it’s been a pattern. I never been to therapy and can’t really afford it unfortunately . I read a lot of self help books and I’m aware of my low self esteem and lowering my standards. But I still don’t know how to feel different about myself. I have hobbies (just training for marathon!) and I graduated university last year. But it’s still not helping with my self - worth 😭

You're amazing. Good luck for the marathon.

Building up self worth is kind of a loonnng project, especially when you haven't had that springboard of good parenting growing up, and then the abusive relationships afterwards. Marathon training of an emotional kind, maybe. 😊

Perhaps the freedom programme would be worth a look?

4 years telling me he is not attracted to me

Didn't this feel like crap from the first moment he said it?

You're already half way there if you are aware of your own patterns and low self-esteem. It's not your fault that you had a childhood which means maybe you werent given the chance to learn how to make good choices or see healthy relationships role modelled.
Unfortunately that's the situation, but you seem to be addressing it well - when you've seen the red flags you've learned to move on now....progress.

Congratulations on marathon training and graduating. Both of those things take will power so you clearly have it. Keep doing things for yourself and kind things for others and your self-esteem will grow.

I agree with the posters who mentioned the freedom programme. Abuse is something that colours your whole life. Good luck, you will do well.

I understand how you feel, I'm in a similar situation it's especially hard at this time of year. I would focus on building more safe friendships for now. Love comes in different forms and often you can get more love and support in your life from having a variety of kind people around you than from a romantic relationship especially if you tend to end up with men who are selfish or abusive. I would also recommend adopting a rescue dog or cat if that's a possibility / interest?
It's hard to stop the instinct to search for a new romantic relationship but if you just make that one focus of many then you will feel less lonely and be able to move towards a life where you feel more appreciated and supported. Doing some volunteer work for those in a tough situation can also be very rewarding. Take your time getting to know anyone that you're considering for a romantic relationship, don't let yourself be "all in" until you've seen them in a variety of situations and under pressure so you know what they're really made of. We tend to fill in missing information with assuming the best of people, take a step back and observe who that person really is and you will eventually find someone great.
Good luck!