Do I end my marriage

[SadMarriage]

DH is a lovely man in many ways. He's kind, generous and supportive of me. He's financially supported me through a pg degree and a lot of job hopping until I finally found my feet. I have a great life on the surface, plenty of money, freedom, support, fun.

But, he's anxious and miserable all the time. And he won't help himself. I suspect he's depressed (he agrees) but he does nothing to work on it. Everything becomes an ordeal. for eg. booking a holiday, he gets so worked up about the details and everything going smoothly that it just sucks the fun out it. It sounds small but I feel like I'm always having to make concessions for his anxious behaviour but I get no consideration for how I might want to run things.

He doesn't want to go out with his friends and is very negative about everything, criticising other people etc. He hates his job (family business) but again, won't do anything about it.

Sex is next to non existent, and I suspect when it happens, he only does it for me. Its perfunctory and not generally enjoyable. He isn't tactile at all, I can't remember the last time he kissed or hugged me, despite me telling him it's something I want. this is a huge contrast to when we started dating!

He's emotionally closed off. We can't have a conversation about anything that bothers me in our relationship (and presumably he doesn't bring up anything that bothers him either, as I'm sure he doesn't think things are perfect). If I say I want to talk about something, he says he doesn't want to as 'it'll just cause an argument'.

We've just had separate weekends away with our respective friends (him reluctantly - he's complained a lot the whole process), and he's spent all weekend texting me saying he's having a rubbish time without me, that everything is rubbish, moan, moan... I had a blast and didn't want to spend my time messaging him when I was spending rare time away with mates.

I just feel like I'm at the end. I'm supposed to be grateful that he is stable/ kind/not an arsehole but I just feel emotionally and physically bereft. I don't want to hurt him...

Help!

But he's not stable or kind, really - is he? He's miserable, unaffectionate, emotionally closed off and has just ruined your happy weekend away with your friends because he's utterly self centered and life is all about him.

I'd be telling him straight that he makes a MASSIVE attempt to sort himself out - which involves going to see a GP about his issues, or I was calling an end to the relationship.

To be honest, I think it's over. He sounds soul sucking and I couldn't live with it.

Mine was like this. I begged him to seek medical attention (he had other health problems contributing to his low mood) and get counselling. He never really pushed for the help he needed. I tried for such a long time but I ended up totally neglected in the process and so down myself. I gradually realise that some of these low moods and losing his temper were actually coercive control. So for example he’d say he was fine about me going out but then there was always a problem just before I left so we’d argue and I’d end up going out but late and wound up.
I did end it eventually. I just couldn’t take it any more. Funnily enough he sought medical attention and counselling after he left 🤷🏻‍♀️ He needed to do it for himself. He simply wouldn’t/couldn’t do it for me. Even with the help he’s received he’s still miserable. I’ve found it challenging to be a single parent but I’m so much happier. I literally feel like a weight has been lifted off my shoulder. He met someone else and when he told me my first thought was “Oh good, he’s got someone else to moan to now!” 😂
I think if I was in your position I’d ask one more time for him to seek help but start putting your ducks in a row. I found individual counselling really helpful when I was considering ending things. Gave me space to think things through, justify my choices and gave me the strength to go through with it.

Soul sucking is exactly how it feels.

And yes, I often feel that his behaviour is manipulative, even though I don't think he believes he's being so.

And I end up feeling like I should be lucky because he's kind and gentle and generous (and he really is all those things in many respects). But it's all just so miserable.

We've just had a big talk (well, I did) and he's agreed to come to counselling with me.. to be honest, I think I'm already done but feel like I want to be heard before I call it quits.

And yeah, self centred is exactly it. I've just said that to him- if I'm sad or pissed off, he's sad because of that. So I don't get to have my 'moment'. It's just straight back to centering him

It’s like living with a Dementor. Sucks the joy out of life for both of you.

He may have agreed to go to counselling but it does not follow he will actually attend any sessions. If he decides not to go, go on your own. You need to be able to talk in both a calm and safe environment. You cannot help anyone who does not want to be helped.

I also feel he is being manipulative here. I am wondering how he behaved around these people he went away with, probably quite plausibly I would think.