Anyone in a happy sexless marriage?

Justbetweenmeandhim · 2022-11-06T17:54:56+00:00

Midlife second marriage, very happy together, but increasingly struggling to negotiate our sex life. We've done a lot to work through this but there are permanent physical and psychological issues that make it all a lot more challenging than in our youth/honeymoon years. We are considering agreeing a sexless marriage; this would be a mutual agreement. Any positive or negative stories to tell?

beonmywaythen · 06/11/2022 18:01

I feel like I am! I find I miss it. I think you really need to think about it bc it's not a marriage anymore, it's an arrangement

category12 · 06/11/2022 18:01

As long as you're both genuinely OK with no sex, it could work. You could keep up physical intimacy with cuddles & kissing. I wouldn't want to be in a relationship without any form of physical relationship.

But are you both genuinely equally OK with no sex for the rest of your lives?

MMmomDD · 06/11/2022 18:06

It can work if neither of you actually want to have sex. If it’s only an issue for one of the partners - the other one will then have to agree to give up on sex. Not sure it’s really fair.
If I were in that situation - I’d rather agree to ‘don’t ask, don’t tell’ sort of approach to it.

Marriage doesn’t have to be about sex. If everything else works - I’d stick with it. And let the sex bit be what it is. It doesn’t have to be something one of the partners forces themselves to do to keep the other partner happy.

Redup · 06/11/2022 19:50

I have friends in a sexless marriage. She told me one night we had far too much to drink and we have never actually spoken about it again.

I find it fascinating because they seem so very happy, in love, content. They have so many hobbies and interests, but they seem not to be interested in sex. I know she (my friend) was very sexually active before she met him and had a few serious boyfriends.

Wouldn't work for me but she is absolutely in love with the guy.

Clickta · 06/11/2022 19:58

DH and I can go for long periods (months) without sex, but then have a week or two of lots of activity! We're generally very close, cuddly, affectionate, works for us, don't really think about it.

Totally depends on your relationship!

goshdoyoumeantobsorude · 06/11/2022 20:11

I am in a sexless marriage but not a loveless one.
Still plenty of affection, we tell each other we love each other everyday, hold hands.
We talk about it and both of us are not that bothered.

ExtraOnions · 06/11/2022 20:15

I think I probably am .. we love each other, laugh every day, talk a lot, but we don’t have sex anymore. We are still affectionate with each other, we kiss & cuddle up .. but no more grab that … we are very happy

YouAreNotBatman · 06/11/2022 20:24

I hope to find one!
I’d live a kind, nice person to build a life with.
I am not a touchy-feely person, and I’m highly sex repulsed.
So sexless marriage / relationship would be ideal.

Dryspell · 10/11/2022 09:17

Lived an involuntary sexless life for a couple of years now after OH hit menopause it started to dwindle over 5 years and nothing for the last two. I would say not for me but I enjoy the companionship and familiarity.

I’m considering leaving or having an affair. Then I think how hurt she would be. I’ve tried ending it and she just ignores it and carries on. Maybe open my own thread.

anyway if you are both happy fine but make sure that’s the case.

TurtleCavalryIsSeriousShit · 10/11/2022 09:46

I am. We are very very happy. There was a time I wanted it, but I'm peri-menopausal now and really don't want it.

He is my best friend. We also laugh, and tell each other that we love each other and how lucky we are to be together.

It can definitely work if both are on board. Really.

LadyGardenersQuestionTime · 10/11/2022 10:18

Dryspell · 10/11/2022 09:17

Lived an involuntary sexless life for a couple of years now after OH hit menopause it started to dwindle over 5 years and nothing for the last two. I would say not for me but I enjoy the companionship and familiarity.

I’m considering leaving or having an affair. Then I think how hurt she would be. I’ve tried ending it and she just ignores it and carries on. Maybe open my own thread.

anyway if you are both happy fine but make sure that’s the case.

I added Testosterone to my HRT and for me it had a magical effect on my libido, but not everyone has the same result (and you do need to be on HRT and have optimised your oestrogen too).

Dryspell · 10/11/2022 10:32

I'd love that to happen but OH was scared of HRT full stop and it wasn't up for discussion. I'll open my own moan thread.

Biggyfoot · 01/08/2023 17:49

I'm in a sexless marriage. It's been that way for 17 years and I feel like it's destroying me. I absolutely adore my wife and 3 children. I know she loves me and we're very affectionate with lots of cuddles and kisses as well as looking after each other in every way other than in the bedroom. I feel like I've tried everything I can to address the issue and my wife knows how the constant rejection makes me feel but it makes no difference. She'll talk quite openly about how much our intimacy lifts my mood which just feels like she's kicking me when I'm down.
I couldn't betray her by pursuing an affair / fwb and to be honest I don't think I'd be particularly interested in anyone else. I've just resigned myself that this is how it'll always be.

Bananas1350 · 01/08/2023 18:07

I couldn’t live like that. Sex is an important part of marriage. And it keeps my husband and I together in such a way that nothing else does.
it brings up closer together , more intimate. We both make sure it stays that way and it is a too priority in our lives. I wouldn’t be happy now in a sexless marriage. It would feel like he was just a friend. But everyone is different.

It would work if u both decided it would work. But I would worry he was saying it just to make me happy.

Zanatdy · 01/08/2023 19:27

category12 · 06/11/2022 18:01

As long as you're both genuinely OK with no sex, it could work. You could keep up physical intimacy with cuddles & kissing. I wouldn't want to be in a relationship without any form of physical relationship.

But are you both genuinely equally OK with no sex for the rest of your lives?

I agree with this. I think if you both are genuinely ok without sex that’s one thing, but in a marriage if there wasn’t any kissing & cuddling at least I’d say it’s more a friendship and not a marriage

RaraRachael · 01/08/2023 19:31

We never have sex. It just kind of fizzled out and neither of us had brought the subject up. It was always a bit of a chore for me so I don't miss it at all.

We're happy, love each other and have a good life so it works for us,

Biggyfoot · 01/08/2023 22:23

That's lovely for you

Seadad · 01/08/2023 22:32

Mmm - my take is that most people, most of the time, want to express their sexuality in an intimate relationship and to be be accepted and invited to express it. Often, when people no longer want to have sex - it's more to do with the relationship, although people might not recognise this and imagine they have just lost their sexuality until something (or possibly someone?) awakens it.
Obviously with age, passions can become dampened and simpler pleasures can ecome more meaningful. BUT - this doesn't really apply to middle age.
So while a mutually sexless relationship is perfectly possible and can be happy in many respects - it is rare for two people, at the same time, to find that they no longer experience sexual desire or wish to enjoy any kind of erotic energy.
Of course some people are asexual - and are not energised by sexuality- but I would imagine they would know this before entering into a long term relationship.
I suspect the real question is - is this non sexual intimate relationship fully consensual on both sides?- and is monogamy still expected if it turns out to be specific to this relationship?

LaffTaff · 01/08/2023 22:43

It wouldn't work for us. It'd make me sad to know my husband didn't find me sexually attractive any more (and vice versa).

Loyaltothedeath · 06/01/2024 19:19

I was in a sexless marriage for 38 years, from day 1 there was no enthusiasm or desire for sex , in fact any physical contact was rare. Only when it was baby making time did she come alive sexually. I really did love her throughout all of our time together, but it was very difficult to understand exactly what she wanted. I believed she was asexual or had a very low libido ,so in the latter years of our marriage I seldom initiated any physical affection of any kind, I’m afraid I just didn’t treat her like a romantic partner, for fear of rejection. She never brought up the topic of feeling or being unloved and so I accepted this platonic relationship. Only after finding out she had been having a full on passionate affair with a close friend did the penny drop for me. I had been the stooge who had kept a roof over her head, had paid the thick end of all the bills, help look after the children and ensure she would never have to sully herself with full time work.
We married young and were inexperienced in relationships, but for anyone young now reading this beware of the major red flag of a reluctance or resistance to physical intimacy, from either side, especially if it becomes an established pattern of your love life.

Tonight1 · 06/01/2024 20:19

I have no libido but miss the companionship side of things, like snuggling up on the sofa and chatting about things so I'd be very happy with this!

If it makes both of you happy can't see a problem.

LoveLifeBeHappy · 25/11/2025 14:16

Biggyfoot · 01/08/2023 17:49

I'm in a sexless marriage. It's been that way for 17 years and I feel like it's destroying me. I absolutely adore my wife and 3 children. I know she loves me and we're very affectionate with lots of cuddles and kisses as well as looking after each other in every way other than in the bedroom. I feel like I've tried everything I can to address the issue and my wife knows how the constant rejection makes me feel but it makes no difference. She'll talk quite openly about how much our intimacy lifts my mood which just feels like she's kicking me when I'm down.
I couldn't betray her by pursuing an affair / fwb and to be honest I don't think I'd be particularly interested in anyone else. I've just resigned myself that this is how it'll always be.

You only live once - LEAVE!

shoots · 25/11/2025 15:10

As other posters have said it's down to whether it's mutual or more one sided, which of course will be frustrating for one of you.

We've become like best friends/siblings over the last 10 years of our 20 year marriage so sex feels weird and I've lost interest. It's not ideal but we get on well so I don't know what the solution is. I actually really fancy someone else which I know means I'm still interested but just not in my husband 😞

I don't know if that's a common problem in a long marriage?

SocksTalk · 25/11/2025 19:08

Loyaltothedeath · 06/01/2024 19:19

I was in a sexless marriage for 38 years, from day 1 there was no enthusiasm or desire for sex , in fact any physical contact was rare. Only when it was baby making time did she come alive sexually. I really did love her throughout all of our time together, but it was very difficult to understand exactly what she wanted. I believed she was asexual or had a very low libido ,so in the latter years of our marriage I seldom initiated any physical affection of any kind, I’m afraid I just didn’t treat her like a romantic partner, for fear of rejection. She never brought up the topic of feeling or being unloved and so I accepted this platonic relationship. Only after finding out she had been having a full on passionate affair with a close friend did the penny drop for me. I had been the stooge who had kept a roof over her head, had paid the thick end of all the bills, help look after the children and ensure she would never have to sully herself with full time work.
We married young and were inexperienced in relationships, but for anyone young now reading this beware of the major red flag of a reluctance or resistance to physical intimacy, from either side, especially if it becomes an established pattern of your love life.

Wow!
38 years!
I presume you are now separated?
Do you have any understanding of why you stayed in the relationship when it was sexless from day 1?

LoveLifeBeHappy · 26/11/2025 17:04

shoots · 25/11/2025 15:10

As other posters have said it's down to whether it's mutual or more one sided, which of course will be frustrating for one of you.

We've become like best friends/siblings over the last 10 years of our 20 year marriage so sex feels weird and I've lost interest. It's not ideal but we get on well so I don't know what the solution is. I actually really fancy someone else which I know means I'm still interested but just not in my husband 😞

I don't know if that's a common problem in a long marriage?

When was the last time you and DH made love?