Will I ever be free from abusive relatives who don't respect no-contact/boundaries?

[Artygirlghost]

I am 52 and chose to be no-contact with my relatives who are based in another country.

I was mentally and physically abused by both parents when I was a child/teen and left to live in the UK when I was a young adult.

During my childhood I only saw other relatives once a year if that as we lived in a remote location. I never develop any close relationship with them.

I initially kept very intermittent contact with my parents before finally cutting all contact a few years ago when my mother tried to involve me in something illegal (inheritance fraud) and also admitted she had destroyed a letter that my recently deceased father had for me to open after his death.

I finally admitted to myself that I have never felt any love for either of my parents. I managed to stop the illegal activity my mother had been engaging with (I was in hospital at the time so I did not pick up on it initially) but did not wish to report her to the authorities.

My mother went to live near her sister and nieces and nephew so she has her family members close by to support her if needed and more than enough money to meet her needs.

Since then, although I made it clear to any relative who tried to contact me that I did not wish to maintain any contact with them, they have made attempts every few months of trying to contact me by email or telephone.

Today again I could see that someone tried to ring me from their country's dialling code. It is not always the same number so although I block as much as I can they still sometimes try it with a different number. I also changed my email address already to avoid them.

Frankly I have had enough. I am moving out of my current home and one of the main reason for this is that I don't want these people to know where I live or what my number is.

My parents' ''care'' left me with years of mental health issues, a nervous breakdown at 19, zero self-esteem, trauma that required EMDR therapy, sight loss in one eye and a disability because they did not look after my health when I was a child. It took me years to get anywhere near a normal life. No one lifted a finger to support me when I was a child/teenager although there were obvious signs that things were not right.

And yet they seem to think I should still give a damn about them....

I am exhausted to have to even think about these people still and deal with this on an off especially while I have issues with my own health to deal with everyday.

I could report them for harassment if they were in the UK (I am a British national) but the fact that they are based abroad makes it more difficult.

Anyone else has had to deal with relatives who just don't respect no contact? what did you end up doing?

Sometimes I think that I will never be free of this burden. Sometimes I just want to pack a bag, run and disappear.

Apologies for the long rant but I just lost it today and had to share.

Hiya. I have gone no contact, well years ago now. I think you have more control than you realise.

Block digitally where you can. Do you have their numbers to block?

If you get any calls from that dialling code, simply don't answer them and delete messages without listening to them.

Moving although drastic will work.

But the main piece of advice I can give is this - they may try, but YOU are in control. Like tennis, if they hit a ball across the net to you, simply don't hit it back.

@something2say

Thank you for your post.

Yes I try to remind myself that technically I can just ignore them but I think it just acts as a trigger every time. All the fear and memories still come flooding back for a while.

Indeed, I can't wait to move to put further distance between us.

It fades, the longer time goes on. You really are in control.

As for the triggers, have you heard the phrase 'stop coping, start feeling'? Now you won't have any more shit to cope with, the feels for all the shit you have coped with might start coming out. Normal.

Are you able to pay for talking therapy? Or like me, would you use a laptop journal to hash it all out? I'd set those boundaries and quietly guard them, then buy some self help books and get into them and do the exercises / write about how it has all affected you.

I'm sorry you're so upset, and so much has happened. It gets much easier, I promise. It doesn't matter what they want or what they do or say, it's all up to you now and you will never get their approval, but you won't ask for it.

How do they know how to contact you; do they have your email and phone number, or are other relatives giving them that info? You really need to find that out before you go through all the upheaval of a move. If relatives are trying to facilitate contact, you need to go NC with them as well.

IDK if you ever fully 'get over it'. Its been well over 20 years for me, and I was contacted recently by an official who was trying to trace my mother. I found it very triggering and surprised myself with how I reacted.

Can you change your phone numbers when you move? Maybe don’t have a landline just a mobile. If it’s a new number they can’t contact you?

@Thelnebriati
How do they know how to contact you; do they have your email and phone number, or are other relatives giving them that info?

Yes, my mother had shared my email and phone numbers all over the place.

I did change my email and mobile number when I went no contact and blocked their numbers on my landline but did not change the actual number with BT because I thought that would be enough.

They also tricked me into making contact a few years back by using the embassy of their country to trace me.. They did that twice. The first time they pretended that they thought something had happened to me and that I had gone missing. I told the embassy I was perfectly fine when out of the blue I got a call from them at work and that I wanted to be left alone as these people were in fact harassing me. The second time they told the embassy an accident had happened to them (not true) and I should be informed. The embassy wrote to me and I was so stupid to believe that and make contact out of guilt. That's the level of deceit they were willing to use and the endless lack of respect for my decision to go no contact.

I never pick up the phone when I spot the long distance number but it is just the fact that they are still trying it on that upsets me.

When I move they won't have any way to contact me directly anymore so I need to remind myself of that.

@something2say if they left a letter to give to you when they die, would you burn it like you said about erasing the messages? I know it's unlikely to be an apology but wouldn't it be hard not to read?

Hiya,

I'm an ex DV advisor and I saw plenty of the kind of behaviour you describe; faking ill health and using it to manipulate.

I think the best thing to do is see these as ALL attempts - yet they could be true. It is reasonable to say that maybe someone might fall ill in three years' time, and you would usually be involved with that if you were not an abused, estranged family member.

So it is not unreasonable to say that maybe some of the fake attempts could one day be true.

But it makes no difference. One day something will happen and you will need to call on friends for help. Your family are using these real or fake excuses as reasons to contact you, and as you say, disrespect your boundaries.

I think the thing to do is as you are doing, do whatever you can to prevent them getting through. I would ignore the health scares. Even if they are true, and they will be true one day, so what? You are living your life apart from them because they harmed you.

Keep on keeping away, and perhaps make a police report, which will give you a reference number to quote to professional bodies they manipulate into contacting you, and tell the professional bodies what is going on too, so they don't keep calling you.

I do feel for you. But the harder the line, the better. They want you. It's going to have to be you that holds that line.

Regarding the letter, would I read it? I'm going to potentially be in the same boat with my mother when the time comes. Will she write an apology letter and have the last say and absolve herself of bad feeling with no chance for my comeback? And what would my comeback even be, if she did apologise and I was by then maybe 70 and understand life a bit more? (Not to forgive her, but to say, meh, there are shit people and she was one.)

I sometimes think I would deliberately not read such a letter to have my last word on the matter. But I think I would regret destroying it, say burning it, and one day think, I wonder what it did say? But by reading it she gets her way. I don't know. It feels childish.

What do you make of the issue, what do you think you might do?