Do abusive relationships ever change

[mamio]

I've suspected for a while that I'm in an emotionally abusive relationship. There's no violence involved, but there has been throwing of objects or punching walls. I feel he has manipulated me for the last 3 years. He wants his own way in every aspect of life. I feel I'm losing my confidence. He's controlling but in a subtle way that you wouldn't notice at first.

Things have come to a head and I'm ready to walk out the door. Obviously this has prompted him to start saying all the things he thinks I want to hear.

He wants to change. He will get professional help. He will do absolutely anything to get me to stay. He wants to be different.

Can someone ever change and the relationship go from being hurtful to being loving? How do you have the strength to walk away when someone is promising you everything you want?

No.

That is violence already too.

Promises are cheap - just look at the Tory leadership contest and all the garbage promises they made to try and get what they wanted.

You have to make the choice not to stay in an abusive situation. You have that power.

What support do you have? Women's Aid? Freedom Programme?

No.

They don't change and the only solution is for one of you to leave.

Research suggests some abusive men can change but not within a relationship where they have already been abusive.

No I dont think thats possible. Talk is cheap really isnt it - its easy to say what someone wants to hear…. Sorry OP but you are best off out of this relationship

So he knew what he was doing and now wants to stop being awful to you?

He can't love you if he has treated you badly and his desire to keep you isn't motivated by love but self interest.

Counselling doesn't work ime for abusive individuals because abusive behaviours are engrained into the personalty. I also think lacking empathy is probably hard wired so isn't a switch that is turned on. Most people can only change or stretch their personality- like a rubber band but will always snap back into the original shape.

Of course they change.
Never for the better though...

I believe he can change in theory (although its incredibly unlikely and will be very hard work for him) but absolutely NOT within or for the current relationship. There's too much water under the bridge and bad habits built up. Just get out would be be my advice to you. He would need years of being single and going through therapy to make a difference.

Nope, he will never change. It is part of his dna...

throwing of objects or punching walls. Is how it starts and one day it will be you.

Cut your losses and leave (safely).

They can change. But it's so complicated as to the kinds of abuse and their mental health, etc, their 'reasons'. Some are awful because they're awful people, some do not know how to relationship and haven't had healthy relationships modelled to them/have trauma/issues etc, but have good hearts.

To change would mean a lot of work and introspection and not everyone is capable of that.