Does anyone else ever feel like their DH being around makes life harder?

[Sundaycarvery]

I know that’s not how it should be. DH works away a lot, on Saturdays he tends to do his own thing, so on Sunday ‘family day’ it’s chaos.

Never get out on time which means DDs nap is all over the place, does unhelpful things like ordering unsuitable food for her and so on. This morning it took 40 minutes to get out of the house, could have been there and back.

I don’t want to separate but just wondering if others feel like that sometimes.

I think this is really common. You’re there all the time, of course you’ve worked out the most efficient way of doing things. Yes it’s harder with another adult who’s not in the swing of things but (assuming everything else is ok and he’s trying) it’s not a disaster. What’s he doing on Saturdays that means he can’t do his part?

Various things, just depends. It’s not a disaster but it means I dread us all being together which probably isn’t ideal!

That can’t be easy if he’s working away a lot, then suiting himself on Saturday, then buggering up your routine on Sunday. Why doesn’t he fit in with what you’ve worked hard to establish to make life easier all round?

Can you leave him to deal with things and have a break yourself for a few hours?

It just makes life harder, as I’d come back to chaos!

Yup, this is us too. I can get out the house faster by myself with three young kids, than if DH is there too. There's often a performance shit involved. Drives me nuts.

Are you a STAHP?

That was me, I was the one who was away a lot and DH had his routines with the girls. Even the girls would tell me 'mummy that's not how we do it'. Having anyone around can be a disturbance, it's not that they're being deliberately annoying just trying to fit in, ar least its was for me. A week away and back to be mum for a couple of days, best days of the week for me, I'm sure a bit of a struggle for DH.

Yes re the performance shit!

I work 3 days a week.

What is a performance shit?

It can be. We separated out duties with him paying the
bills and myself doing all the housework which really helped. I am not expecting him to do one thing in the house and he does not expect me to pick up any financial slack. It actually saved our marriage. I wasn't waiting for his help and I wasn't stressed about earning money. (I still work and earn btw)

It just streamlined our lives. He has an area, I have an area, and when we come together as a family it means both sides are taken care of and all that’s left is for us to enjoy our child and home and time together.

You’re ready to go and have been for a while, you’re finally at the point of sitting in the car with a young child in the back and then they go for a poo.

@Sundaycarvery oh god, that would drive me mad 😂

My dad still does a performance shit now. I'm 40 with two DDs. What is he trying to prove?

I was that person, still am, no shit though its have I got everything, are the windows shut, back door locked, check hair etc. Meanwhile OH sitting in the car with the radio on.

😂😂😂😂😂😂

Haha this is me too.
I say "OK ready I'll just get my shoes on" then run round forgetting this that and the other.

Funny though because I was going to come into MN today to ask a similar question to OP. My conclusion is that when I'm home with the kids they have my full attention and so everyone is mainly happy. Put DH into the mix and whenever he and I try to have even the tiniest of conversations the kids are suddenly interrupting and demanding, putting everyone on edge.

Also the tidying... somehow I feel less pressured when it's just me, to have toys packed away etc. When he's home he (understandably) gets irritated when has to step over the kids stuff in the middle of the living room, whereas when it's just me I know it'll be clean soon so not bothered.

Yes OP I totally agree. I get things in a lovely, organised rhythm when OP works away. I long for him to get back and spend time with us and invariably its all much harder. He tries but just can't get in the groove of parenting a small child.

But if everyone is trying their best really what can be done? Just got to battle through.

If I ever got to the point of thinking this it would be time to evaluate the relationship.

It might be ‘normal’ as PP mentioned but it shouldn’t be.

DH being around makes life at home so much better and easier, the way it should be imo

It probably should be, but it’s not as stark as together / not together.

Its a huge thing to break up a family. Huge.