Its on OLD one - disappointed

[wintersky2022]

Got talking to OLDate about 2 weeks ago, he was always sending me long messages, asking questions, made it clear he was interested to meet.

Yesterday he made the effort to drive down to my town which he had never visited before, and we went for coffee at 12pm. At 2pm we parted, as I had other plans.
We seemed to have a lot in common and similar beliefs, both of us saying 'same'

But since the date, he hasn't messaged me at all. Although I know hes been on the app as his location has changed.

I'm trying to think of why this could be. I think I talked a bit, more than him but not to the point of being too much. (I was nervous, but he seemed it too) I let him speak about his life and asked questions, and he seemed genuine and shared a few things. I wondered if I made him think I was brushing him off as at the end of the date, I said 'well it was nice to meet, maybe we'll speak soon'. But he didn't say anything about meeting again either.

He did mention on the date that he wouldn't ask to meet anyone he didn't think there could be something with.

I'm feeling disappointed and questioning what was wrong with me.

You need to get out of that head space. It doesn't matter why. It matters that he doesn't want to know, and so you need to move on. Chasing him will do absolutely nothing for your chances with him.

Go by people's actions. He's told you he'd not interested.

Just from experience, interested men will message you fairly soon after the date.
Nothing is wrong with you, I've met attractive and nice people, that I haven't wanted to date again, could just be lack of spark. Also I'd say a coffee shop isn't very spark inducing, I know it's a cliché to meet a date at one but, it's a dull place.

You really have to accept that it's not personal - he just didn't feel a spark.

I have been where you are, and it hurts. It took for me to go on a date where the man was nice and did everything right, but I just didn't feel any chemistry and was ambivalent about seeing him again even though he might have been quite keen. Sometimes I would make a second date to be sure, but I was always right first time.

After the shoe had been on the other foot, I was able to be more accepting when it went the other way, and I liked the man more than he liked me.

The way I dealt with it was to always try and have a couple of people that you are talking to at any one time, so that you're not pinning all your hopes on one 'lead'. Also never message for too long before meeting, in order to minimise the emotional investment.

I'm feeling disappointed and questioning what was wrong with me.
Stop doing this to yourself.

You over-invested in one man, & one date.
OLD is a numbers game.
You will click with very few of the men you meet, & a mutual click is even rarer.

When you don't click with a man - that's not because there's something wrong with him. It's because ... you just didn't click! So why are you beating yourself up & imagining there is anything wrong with YOU?

Why do you think you are setting yourself up like this? Placing so much self-worth into what some random bloke thinks, or does not think, of you? Try looking at your future dates as ships that pass in the night. Opportunities that are unlikely to come to anything, but are interesting to explore.

Most importantly - avoid dates who want to talk for ages before meeting, or who send long detailed messages, It's pointless - all that happens is that you 'invent' each other in your own heads & get your expectations over-loaded. The dating site is a tool to arrange meet-ups. The more people you meet, the better your chances of a mutual click. The less time you spend talking before meeting, the less likely you are to have over-invested, & feel let down.

Why do you assume there is something wrong with you?

Is there something wrong with every man in the world that you don't want to be in a relationship with?

Try reading "it's just a date"

I have a good example of a date that happened to me, OLD, 2nd date in, it went really well (I thought) but he dropped me after, just ghosted but that’s ok.
several years later with a new boyfriend and it turns out they’re friends. Apparently I turned around during the date and laughed at something he said and looked exactly like his sister - and so he just couldn’t go there!
my boyfriend even remembers him telling him at the time.
of course at the time I thought it was me, why wasn’t I good enough etc.

it was a great lesson for me about our perspective versus the reality x

Op I had a date last night
He was attractive and didn't put a foot wrong . He's hinted at a 2nd date but for some reason I'm not overly interested
I'm not sure if it just coz there was no spark or if it's due to some shit I've suddenly found myself dealing with in my personal life
Either way sometimes the saying 'it's not you it's me' is true especially this early on .

Tbh I’m reading this differently. Imo it was YOU who gave home the brush off with “maybe” and the neutral “nice to meet you”.

that’s what I’d say to some random I had coffee with and really didn’t want to see them again, but not seem rude.

if you like/d him then you need to say “it’s been a real pleasure, where shall we go next time?”.

Think about it - you could get a new colleague this week who you really get on well with, conversatuon flows easy, you both agree on a lot of things...yet you don't fancy them. Not because there is anything "wrong" with them you just don't have that missing element that makes you attracted to someone romantically. I'm sure there are people in your life already who meet that description.

There is nothing wrong with you, whether he does or doesn't get in contact. Thinking like that is really bad for your self esteem and will get you down when online dating is already brutal.

Back when I was dating one guy really wanted to know why I didn't want to see him any more after a few months. I wasn't going to give him a list of things because I knew he would automatically try to be the opposite and who would that help? I didn't like the fact he was so spontaneous and "sort things out as they come at you" whereas my best friend likes exactly that quality in a man. What I'm trying to say is don't go trying to work out why someone didnt like you and change yourself according to it. Better to meet someone who likes you as you are rather than what you have projected for the first few dates. Relationships based on that do not last.

There's nothing wrong with you, I guess he just wasn't feeling it. You will have the same feeling on some dates. Chin up and carry on. OLD is brutal and you need to try and toughen your skin.

It may sound crass, but do you look like your pictures? One of the most common reasons I hear from friends who don't want to progress things after a date is that in the flesh the person didn't appear the way they'd expected them to. Maybe superficial, but non the less true for that.
If that's not the reason another possibility is that he had multiple dates and chose to progress with someone else.

@5128gapI think I look like my pictures. They are all from within the past year. None of them are edited or anything.

Nothing wrong With you
but he didn’t feel the chemistry spark
but someone else WILL
so
lick your wounds , and get back on the horse

OP, I have started online dating and thought I would share my experience so far. I am so sick of men falling over themselves to meet me, sending long messages, etc even before meeting. Sending compliments, literally gagging to meet. It can be challenging not to get excited and sucked in. Then I will meet them, they will give me all the compliments in the world, then I will never hear from them again. There is absolutely nothing wrong with me - I am a kind, engaging and interesting person.

And there is nothing wrong with you at all. Many of these men, I swear, don't even know what they are looking for. Many are just after sex. Maybe you didn't click. I don't think you felt it either? I would let it go. The right man will follow up. This guy isn't it for whatever reason.

Plenty more fish in the sea! Be careful and be guarded.