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Original poster

Why do men keep coming back?

28 replies

name2022 · 05/11/2022 14:53

I've been off an on with someone for a long time. Currently off. I know he'll never commit but I'm happy being single as well so I'm not too fussed. I can live either way.

Thing is he is always the one breaking it off when he feels like commitment is getting too much, or if he deems me to be needy etc, or when he's had a busy few days and I'm asking him why he's being off. Every time he will tell me it's over for good this time, then I back off entirely and he ends up coming back.

What is it? The thrill of the chase? It's like he wants me more when I don't give a damn.

Currently, I don't give a damn so history would tell me that he'll come running back shortly.

OP posts:
Watchkeys · 05/11/2022 15:20

Same reason you keep going back to chocolate: you don't want it all the time, but sometimes you really want it, and it's always there to indulge you.

The real question is about you, not him. After all, your life is about you, isn't it? Not about him?

So, why do you keep going back to him? Why are you bothering to concern yourself with the issue? Why don't you just say 'No more', and have done with him, since he's not giving you what you want in any consistent way?

frozendaisy · 05/11/2022 15:30

They keep coming back because people let them.

Easier to get someone else to fed us, let us shower there and have bonus sex than buy our own toiletries and food. But if they dare want something you are not prepared to give or is in anyway a bit difficult or might make them think we care then they can just waltz out the door, that will teach them a lesson and they will be temporarily barred from the mighty God pedestal penis, until of course they realise they can't pull anyone else so have to return, in their minds now, to the consolation prize, for sex, food and a free wash. If they are really lucky you let them choose the TV and buy them beer.

Comedycook · 05/11/2022 15:31

Sex

blippi123 · 05/11/2022 15:32

You both keep going back to each other because it's easy and there's nobody better available, if there was you/him would be dropped like a hot potato

Sweetcakelady · 05/11/2022 15:37

Don't have him back say you had fun your moving on.

Pinkbonbon · 05/11/2022 15:44

Because you keep taking him back.

Why would you keep allowing such a game player back into your life? Isn't your time more precious than to surround yourself with wankers?

It doesn't matter if you don't care because he is just a bit of fun. He clearly thinks you're madly in love with him and it's OK to treat you like shit and yoyo you about.

And what if the next girl really likes him and he thinks he can to the same to her because the last women just kept taking him back. I mean, he'll do it anyway but i wouldn't want to encourage that bs.

He drops you and takes you back to fuvj with your head. He thinks you qre going mad pining after him when he 'leaves' you. Hes a weirdo basically.

StopsWalkingToSneeze · 05/11/2022 16:09
  • Because there’s not an alternative option
  • Sex - unless of course you don’t have sex with them upon their return
  • You let them back in
  • They love you really
DatingDinosaur · 05/11/2022 16:22

Back in my younger days I had a situation like this. He kept ending it but I was quite keen on him so kept getting back with him when he sniffed around again.
Happened about 5 times in all before I decided I’d had enough and I deserved better than this and I was the one to end it.

Never heard from him again.

Even though I ended it I still felt a bit hurt that he didn’t “chase” me or keep in contact but, looking back, I’d guess that’s because he saw me as the easy/familiar option at the time rather than any actual depth of feelings drawing him back to me.

So yes, like everyone else has said, it’s because you keep letting him.

The key question is, will you take him back this time? Are you really not that bothered or are you just telling yourself that to minimise the hurt you'll feel if he doesn't?

KettrickenSmiled · 05/11/2022 16:26

He can't keep coming back if you don't let him.

He probably imagines that he is exerting control over you by persistently 'leaving'. That it will push you into some kind of compliance with whatever narrative he has about your relationship/situationship.

If you are genuinely blase about him blowing hot & cold, it hardly matters why he does it. If it is starting to niggle you - chuck him, block him, & find a new FWB. Life's too short for mindgames!

Ekátn · 05/11/2022 16:37

Because he can. He knows he can pick you up and drop you and pick you up whenever he wants. You are an easy option. He drops you to show ensure you know he won’t commit and keep you in line. he might go off and shag someone else or whatever. Then come back because it’s easy and you let him.

Samedaysameshit · 05/11/2022 16:58

It’s one man not all 3,500,000,000 Men on the planet is it.

Sonervousimgonnathrowup · 05/11/2022 17:21

They have to, pathologically, stick their dicks into something.
That’s why.

mattyprice4004 · 05/11/2022 17:25

It’s one man, not ‘men’.
if you let him come back you can’t really expect much else - I’d just bin him off

minticecreamisjustok · 05/11/2022 17:33

Because they need a quick fix, ego boost, knowing they can. You have to decide to ignore him unless you want more of the same?

FrippEnos · 05/11/2022 17:33

because you keep letting him.

workiskillingme · 05/11/2022 18:15

Please get a grip and stop allowing yourself to be treated like this. Even down to the 'it's fine because I don't want commitment'

I've been you and my self esteem was lower than a worms tit. Stop allowing yourself to be less than second best

Mari9999 · 05/11/2022 18:23

He probably keeps coming back for the same reason that you keep taking him back. Why do you keep taking him back? The game is what defines your relationship. Neither of you see this as a long term relationship, but it is a good fall back plan. No one is getting hurt and you each know that you have someone waiting in the wings

SandyY2K · 05/11/2022 18:40

It's very simple.

This man keeps coming back because you let him

Watchkeys · 05/11/2022 19:20

SandyY2K · 05/11/2022 18:40

It's very simple.

This man keeps coming back because you let him

That doesn't explain his motivation though, which is what OP is trying to work out.

Marmitemother · 05/11/2022 20:28

He's married and OP is unaware?

KettrickenSmiled · 05/11/2022 20:32

Watchkeys · 05/11/2022 19:20

That doesn't explain his motivation though, which is what OP is trying to work out.

Show quote history

What does his motivation matter?

What matters is the effect on OP.

If she dislikes the effect - ditch & block.
If she likes the effect - keep seeing him.

Although starting a thread about him on
mn would indicate she does NOT like the effect ...

ErinAndTonic · 05/11/2022 20:37

Because you let them.

MintJulia · 05/11/2022 20:39

The opportunity for a no-strings posterity bonk when he can't find anything more exciting !

Msgrieves · 05/11/2022 20:44

Tbf I keep going back to a certain ex because tbh he is one of the only people I really get on with. He makes me laugh so much and he is very endearing in a Mr bean way. Obviously I'm not stupid and don't believe a word that comes out of his mouth, but we have a nice time once a week, there's no future in it, but it's a nice break from reality.

5128gap · 05/11/2022 21:31

I think the better question is why does he keep leaving?
It's easy to kid ourselves they come back because they 'can't keep away' so it's worth more to them than they let on. But if it were they'd not have left in the first place.
I agree with PPs, it's just for lack of something better.