Things are at boiling point

[upfucked]

I’m so angry and upset that I’m not sure how articulate I will be here.

I’ve had a horrific month with elderly parents in hospital poorly, by providing care, trying to get appropriate care in place, them repeatedly back tracking and no being safe. My husband has had to take him out of work to cover the young children so I can deal with this and understandably everyone in my house is a breaking point.

DH and I have just had a huge argument, the same things as always I feel he never listens properly and makes up his ideas about what we discussed and agreed, he never participates in the planning of weekend, what time he will be home etc and tell me at the last minutes, our spare/room which he now works in is over flowing with his stuff which he has been promising to deal with for 8 years so I have no where to put things like Christmas gifts. 3 times this morning I said we need to stop arguing and he had to say something else to continue it. I’ve been awful, swearing, walking off for a walk in the rain, last time he laughed at me. I told him I wanted a divorce which is our line in the sand of not crossing when arguing. I’ve packed a bag but have no idea if I should go for the night.

Obviously this is my version of events and I’m sure his will be a bit different.

Any advice or words of wisdom?

Hey.

I’m not known for my wisdom but you sound very sad.

Do you want a divorce? How old are your kids? I only ask because frankly, loads of marriages are a bit shit with young kids. Add unwell parents into the mix and….well, it doesn’t help.

Don't leave but file papers if your serious

No real advice but it sounds as if you’ve both had a lot of stress to deal with. If you can possibly claw back from this and reform as a team it would make things much easier to tackle.

Do you have boundaries in terms of your parents? We’ve been through all the care planning and mind changing and it’s absolutely draining. If possible step away if you’ve done your best. Take a breather from that.

Maybe the spare room is too big a task for DH in one go. Can he/ both of you tackle it in chunks? It will seem easier if it’s broken down.

Communication is clearly a problem. Can you write down key stuff you’ve agreed, maybe on a wall calendar or diary. Ten minutes of sitting down and roughly planning your weekend might help. If it’s a conversation rather than you telling him things he’s more likely to remember.

Lots to unpick but you’re both stressed. Never make big decisions when you are angry. I’d personally apologise for the divorce remark but be clear that you said it in order to be heard.

I don’t think I do but I feel like we can’t go on like this. Children are 3 and 6.

Thank you.

With my parents, I think I need harder boundaries. My sister and I have asserted them now but we need stronger ones in place. I’ve just been so exhausted with them over the last few weeks.

Communication has been a lot worse because we haven’t seen either much as I’ve been dealing with my parents or DH has been catching up with work as he had to do stuff during the day. We usually do sit down and plan.

Following as in similar situation. I don't want to get divorced but also don't want to continue with this shitshow either.

Have you considered couples counselling?

If neither of you want a divorce, but both agree you can’t go on like you have been, there is a teeny bit of common ground? Maybe if you both agree to that, leave it there for today. Go about your Saturday, then maybe chat tomorrow when you are both feeling less wound up, then tackle one thing. A small thing. Like, his timetable for next weekend. Or 30 minutes of sorting the spare room.

It sounds like you're in the eye of the storm, that many changes need to be made, but maybe you're focusing on one massive change because it seems that the others are so bloody hard.

I'd take some time to calm down. If that means a night in a hotel then so be it. Apologise for the outburst (I've done similar in the past), and set aside time to talk when things are calmer. Spend some time thinking through the boundaries you need to survive both with DH and your parents.

If you've crossed a line that you both set in advance, you know in your heart that that's what you really want and need.

You didn't say it to hurt him or to win anything - the words came out because you can't hold the truth back anymore. And I don't blame you for feeling like that at all.

You are going through a very traumatic time, but his lack of cooperation is unacceptable. Perhaps you could look into some joint counselling to help with the communication between you when things have calmed down on the home front?