Feeling very low - why can’t I make/keep friends?

[Billslills]

I’m feeling a bit shit and need a handhold.

I’ve been aware for a long time that I don’t have many friends.

My friendships seem to be fizzling out and dwindling the older I get - I’m early 30’s now (is this normal??). I’m beginning to question what’s wrong with me.

To add fuel to the fire, my long term and usually very dependable best friend seems to be making a big point of letting me know she’s so/too seeing other people. She’s not unkind by nature so I’m not sure if she’s trying to prove something to me or to herself or perhaps she is just excited about having an active social life now after a recent nasty break up but it feels deliberate and becoming hurtful.

I’ve always been a happy, positive person but all of the above is starting to take a toll on my emotional and mental health and self esteem. This is an unpleasant feeling I’ve not experienced before.

Anyways, I don’t really know what I’m expecting from this but I just needed to let it out. Maybe someone else can relate?

Friendships come and go over the years. It's just the way it is. The best advice I ever got was not to put all your eggs in one basket.

Sounds like you need to spread yourself out a bit more so as one area goes through a trough, another peaks. Helps to buffer the ebb and flow.

So, have one to one friends but also have structured groups (hobbies, choir, walking) so you have routine of meeting up too.

Thank you, that’s very good advice. It doesn’t help
over the past few years I’ve had plenty of opportunity to make friends but nothing seems to stick which is why I’m starting to negatively self reflect.

Hi OP 👋 I'm posting in solidarity! I've just turned 35 and feel the same way. I think it's an after effect of the lockdowns and potentially a new stage of life? I felt quite isolated because of it and also working from home FT now so I joined a Facebook walking/social events page for women in the East Mids which has grown really quickly so shows we're not alone! I went to my first event last week and I was really nervous but met a lovely woman around my age and we got on really well!

I read somewhere that it takes between 40 and 60 hours to form a casual friendship, 80-100 hours to transition to being a friend and more than 200 hours together to become good friends. So those opportunities you've had already to make friends that don't feel like anything has stuck, maybe it just takes a bit longer than we realise?

As for your long term friend, have you spoken to them about how you're feeling? It might be that she hadn't realised how things were coming across and she'd be devastated to hear she's hurt you?

Thanks so much for responding! It’s funny, because I know there must be so many people out there wanting to meet more people/make friends, it’s just how to find the opportunities.

Well done on attending an event though and pleased it went well for you.

I haven’t spoken to her about it, no. I think I’m going to let her keep doing her thing and hopefully things will settle soon. It’s bizarre, because when we do see each other she doesn’t have very positive things to say about these other people so I find it all a bit fake and odd.

I’m starting to get a bit of a complex that I’m not that interesting or exciting so people don’t want to pursue a friendship further or there are better options out there.

It's definitely something we have to work harder at in adulthood I think. I hate that the world is so digital these days but I guess we have to try and make the most of this online world to keep connected and discover new things. I am about to start volunteering with a local Rainbows/Brownies group too to keep busy and do something for myself!

It saddens me to read that you feel that way but I've also had thoughts like that about myself. I am positive it's not true for either of us though, we are all unique and interesting! We just have to find 'our people' I think!!

The best thing I can suggest is to try and get involved in things locally and persevere. Try new things and see what happens. Apparently there is a version of Bumble for making friends which might be worth a shot?

To be a bit provocative, maybe you don't want it to stick? I used to think I wanted lots of friends but in fact I realised I liked regular company but only one or two close friends. So having a club to go to once a week, and a group activity one night gave me what I needed.

Having lots of friends is exhausting!

Bottom line, are you having fun in your life? Follow the fun

Hi op yes finding the same and unless I do all the chasing and arranging nothing. My friend cancelled last month. Im sick of flakes now. Im late 40s
The hobbies thing is good walking choirs etc.

Similar issue. I threw myself into my hobbies after getting fed up of it all, and met some great people from my hobbies. (Book club, crafting etc - I'm aware I sound like a granny but I'm in my 30s lol.)