To have been well and truly ghosted by friend

[Nanamuffin]

in summary 6 months ago we had a falling out because she was being flaky about my sons birthday. I said it was hard with arranging things and being cancelled on because she’d double booked. Me calling her out made her feel shit.

Since then I’ve called a few times, and sent messages via watsapp and text just saying I’m sorry and that I’m here when she’s ready.

It is her birthday this month and I thought I’d have another go and sent an apology card, some flowers and a toy for her little boy.

I have had no response.
We were such good friends and very close. I helped her through her fertility journey - going to scans and appointments when her husband couldn’t. Supported her through her newborn phase. She was there when my son was born and helped me a lot.
We saw each other regularly and messaged everyday.

I think it all changed when her son was born and covid hit. She withdrew and I tried my best. Or I thought I did.

I don’t even know why I’m writing just that I probably need to get past this and stop with trying to resurrect something that’s fully dead in the water. And probably to get some perspective on this and see if anyone else has had similar?

I've had similar, I think it's fairly common. I've been ghosted recently by a friend, funnily enough also someone I have done a lot of hand holding for and supporting in the past few years. It's confusing, hurtful and strange, and it's normal to feel like you want answers.

Sounds like the only answer you're going to get from your friend is her silence, which of course is an answer in itself, just not a great one. As you say yourself, it sounds dead in the water. It's tough I know

Often when people find their feet after a crisis, they realise they don’t want to see the person who supported them through the crisis - it’s too much of a reminder. We’re all on a journey through life, and we change on that journey, and have to let things go. It’s hurtful of course, but very common.

I'd take the hint and not bother with her again tbh.

It reaches a point where you just need to forget about them and carry on without them.

Jumping in as I’ve just done a friendship related post. A little different but I can still relate - I was good enough for my best friend when she was going through a nasty break up but now she’s on the other side of it she keeps deliberately rubbing in my face that she’s too busy with other people and can’t see me. I don’t understand it and it hurts! I think you’ve done all you can to rekindle and to leave the ball in her court now.

'Often when people find their feet after a crisis, they realise they don’t want to see the person who supported them through the crisis - it’s too much of a reminder'

This makes a lot of sense. It can be very painful to be on the other side of it, but it does make sense

Move on, she doesn't want to know you anymore

One of my old friends I've known for 20 years only answered my texts after 6 months. Twice. I've ignored her last message because it only seems she wanted to let me know she's pregnant, she hasn't hardly bothered with my child for the last 3 years so she can bugger off. The older I get the less friends I have but I think it's about quality not quantity.

Please stop apologising to her! You've done absolutely nothing wrong.

Ive been ghosted a few times now. Past caring about it now . If you my friend you are my friend if you dont want to be, you know what to do

It happens and is painful

I think you have to accept it and and try to distance your self. It’s not your fault but sometime people need space.

she may eventually get back to you… you’ll have to decide then if you want her in your life then.

i personally won’t let her back in again

Deep down I know I just need to stop thinking about her and move on.

Its just so very sad really that this happens and that it’s probably more common than I realised.

I'm sorry op. It is the most painful experience to be ghosted by someone when you consider them a good friend.

I was ghosted four years ago by one of my best friends who I absolutely adored. She just stopped responding to me overnight! Wouldn't answer my calls or messages. Just totally cut me out of her life. I'm still not totally over it.

For your own dignity don't make anymore effort to get in touch. I tried for too long with my friend and the memories are so humiliating.

Yes I have had people being totally lovely one day and then blank me the next.

I think we tell ourselves that when we grow up, all the pettiness of childhood friendships are in the past. Truth is that is not true and adults can be far worse than children.

I know all the right things to do and say but it’s like I can’t follow my own advice.

I will now stop trying to reach out. I everytime I do I feel crap in myself.

Some people just can’t stand being called out, leave her to it.

This has happened to me a couple of times in my life. It’s such a baffling and confusing time to go through and the anxiety felt is horrible.

It’s such a rough ride because you don’t get any sense of closure. Most recently I inadvertently hurt one friends feelings. Looking back I recognise that she quickly became very angry, sent me a vile message and then blocked me on her phone and social media. My feelings were running high and I tried in vain to contact her to clarify the situation to no avail.

I hope non of her other friends fall foul of her because her capacity to send incredibly mean messages when she’s drunk is astounding.

I spent a week being very tearful even at work. And then got cross lol and this helped.

With each friend you have a certain connection and sense of humour with and this makes it so hard when one party no longer wants to be in the friendship.

It does get easier with time although I missed my friends for years. I concentrated on building and strengthening other friendships and said yes to other opportunities for friendship. This has helped immensely. Also keeping yourself busy with work, studying and hobbies helps relieve the anxiety.

Over 10 years after one friend became disinterested in me our paths crossed again and we are in contact once more, albeit superficially although it’s very pleasant.

I do hope you feel better soon.

Why did you call her out because she's double booked for your son's birthday?

What did you say to each other?

I’m sorry to hear of other peoples experiences.

I called her out because she really wasn’t being a good friend. in a long list of things
For example I told her my uncle had cancer and my cousin who had cancer had an operation booked. This was just before Christmas. She didn’t reply to me for 10 days. She had read the message but she’d switched her phone off for Christmas is what she’d said.

She was struggling with the baby and feeling down and I took my kid with me and dropped a care box. She didn’t even open the door. She said she was holding the baby. But I put that down to her struggling with the baby and that’s why I was there to help.

This one was arranged for weeks. She puts things in her phone.
I reminded her a few days before to confirm that we were still on for the day.
She replied with she’d got to be in central for for a particular time and it was the first time meeting the kid and everyone was having dinner.
I asked when she’d realised and what it meant for Wednesday. I also said I had a feeling it might be cancelled and that’s why I was checking.

And she said my text made her feel shit. She can’t win. I said I wasn’t sending any more messages over text as it wasn’t the right place and she said she won’t write via message either. We have different priorities etc.

then nothing. I think I was blocked but wasn’t sure. I called and sent messages but nothing.
She didn’t even wish happy birthday to my son or send a card or anything.
I tried again over her sons birthday but nothing.
And just this week one last try and nothing. I sent flowers and a toy. An apology card. I saw a photo of the delivery and the front door. I know she hasn’t moved as I could see the pushchair. It’s just so hurtful that after everything not even a message.
But people change and I need to move on.

I am focusing on my family and my work. And making new friendships.

I've had this recently. We didn't really fall out it's just we were due to go for a meal the day my dad died, and obviously I cancelled as my dad had just unexpectedly died and she just didn't respond to me again. I tried after a month or so, just sending a message asking how she was but no response. I then just unfriended on everything and blocked, after all of the support I've given over the years can't be arsed with someone that can't even bother to reply (even if to say FO).

Why are people so pathetic and immature?

Yeah exactly, even a cowardly message and block if they can't face actually being upfront and honest about why. Ghosting is horrible as it makes you wonder what you did wrong when in fact, the answer is probably nothing.

'Yeah exactly, even a cowardly message and block if they can't face actually being upfront and honest about why.'

Mind you, I've had this version as well and it still felt utterly shit! But I guess it was less awful than just being ghosted