Limited Time with In-Laws Harmful for Relationship?

[Arsenal123]

Hi

My wife's parents are quite isolated people and rely heavily on her for their social and emotional needs.

I like them but I can't spend as much time with them as my wife wants to (whole weekend day and some evenings). We all work full-time but different shifts.

They are upset at me because I have chosen not to go on holiday with them. Things are now awkward between us and it has caused some arguments within our marriage.

FiL is quite stubborn and very opinionated. He likes a drink too which is not me. MiL is nice but needy. They have criticised our home and priorities before.

I have no problem with my wife seeing them. It is limiting our quality time but my wife thinks this is my choice as I have turned down two weeks abroad with the three of them etc.

I believe they see this as me not accepting them which is not true. I do keep distance from people who I get a negative vibe off. They also have some tension with their other relatives and I want to keep out of that also.

I'm with you OP. The level of contact you describe would be far too much for me.

Your DW is the issue here.

Most married people do not spend that amount of time with their DPs, nor do they go on every holiday with them.

I presume you don't have DCs? If you're planning on having them I guess at least ILs will be useful for childcare, but at this rate your DW is having more of a relationship with them than with you.

I'm with you. I'd find that suffocating.

Maybe if it was a afternoon once every weekend for dinner it wouldn't be so bad?

You have a DW problem.

I've never met anyone thrilled to go on holiday with their in-laws.

People might do it for the sake of the kids, because otherwise they can't afford a holiday but it's never their idea of a brilliant time.

YANBU. I like my in-laws, they're very social people, they don't rely on DH to meet their needs...and yet 3-4 days spent with them is still my maximum limit! Theirs too, I think. DH accepts that and I think feels the same...we all need our own space after a bit.

You have a DW problem.

No DCs.

How do I reconcile without hurting people?

Why do you feel a need to reconcile?. You've done nothing wrong here in stating your boundaries clearly to her. Her parents are not at all emotionally healthy people and likely feel it's their way or no way. Her parents "love" rules her life. Anyway someone is already being hurt here; you.

Your wife is the problem in that she is mired in enmeshment with her parents. They are using her to fulfill their emotional needs.

You don't need to reconcile with them. But you do need an honest chat with your wife about her priorities. Surely she can see that spending this amount of time with your own parents at this stage in her life is a bit... odd? Let alone spending that much time with them as in-laws.

It sounds as if you are very much her second priority (or third) and that must be quite hurtful.

It sounds as if you have healthy boundaries whereas they have absolutely none - and neither does your wife.

I think you need to have a talk with your wife. Could you show her this thread some people find it hard see it from an objective perspective when it comes to family?

Sounds like you have good boundaries and are making a wise decision.

You have a wife problem which is best not to sweep under the carpet.

Certainly think long and hard about having children with someone so involved with people like that if she doesn't respect your position.

Think how your life would be if you had children and how involved they might be if they are so dominant.

Don't be bullied by them.

I would find such involvement completely suffocating.