In complete turmoil

[slantedbutenchanted]

So me and partner have been together 9.5 years we have as a couple been through so much. Sickness, deaths, miscarriage we have multiple kids with Asd a lot of hard times tbh more than most couples have had in a lifetime but we have been so strong and a brilliant team or so I though. I love him to bits and I don't think I would be alive if I hadn't met him when I did.

He had to give up his job due to ill health but I had encouraged him recently to go apply for college as he had found a hobby that he was really talented in. He was like a different person at first was great to see but then I could feel him becoming more and more distant with me he has suffered from depression this year so I put it done to that and he is also a very deep person childhood trauma being the cause of that and I have been saying to him for years he should go to counselling. Anyway I was starting to get suspicious as I felt he wouldn't let his phone out of his sight I have always completely trusted him but I just had a feeling in my gut something wasn't right. I hated myself for doing it but I snooped on his phone twice first time some chat between him and a girl at college and tbh one that I was suspicious of because of some activity on social media he was being a bit open but nothing major. A few days later he had snapped at me because I had accused him of being very clingy with his phone I was feeling so insecure and he really didn't help me actually made me feel as if I was going off my head. On Monday he had left earlier than normal and I don't know why but I checked laptop and low and behold flirty messages between the both of them her messages were a lot more flirty and getting deleted before my eyes by him. I managed to hold it in all day got the kids watched and when he got home I told him to pack his stuff and get out he admitted that they had been sending dirty messages and that morning she had kissed him but he pushed her away.... so he says!!

I am devastated shocked never in a million years thought that he would do that to me, have spoke since and he is a complete wreck saying its the worst mistake he's ever made has loves me and begging me to take him back that it was just a ego boost and he has no idea why he done it, he has blocked all contact on social media with her said he will leave college if I want him to, got to couselling couples therapy etc etc. I just don't know if I can forgive him or trust him again but I love him to bits is it worth throwing it all away. Apart from this incident he has been a amazing partner and support to me, I just feel utterly broken.

Sorry for the book and hope I've made sense. Any advice would be welcomed just feel so lost.

Sorry you’re going through this. No one can really tell you what to do because Bryce don’t really know you or your situation. It does sound like he’s remorseful and people do move on past this sort of thing but he will need to take time to prove to you that he’s sorry and that you can trust him again. It’s also ok to give it a go then admit later that you can’t get past it. I would advise you to take some time for yourself and then talk to him and see what he has to say. People will be along to tell you to LTB but real life is more complicated than that. I hope you can work it out.

@slantedbutenchanted, my heart goes out to you. You encouraged him to spread his wings and try college, and he repaid you by weakening his boundaries and cheating. He chose every step he made while building intimacy with OW — flirting, bonding, sexting, kissing (he didn’t push her away), and likely more.

You’ve also had heavy stressors, but managed to stay faithful.

I’d keep him gone for longer while you process and consider your options. He needs to feel the loss of you and know you mean business. Otherwise, he’ll see a green-light to continue his emotional/sexual affair. Remember that his massive selfishness and sense of entitlement are still present.

@slantedbutenchanted, if you are considering reconciliation, then he must prove his remorse by actions: total NC with OW and a call or message (approved by you) in front of you officially ending the affair; coming clean with the full story (which you probably don’t have); transparency with all devices, passwords & statements; empathetic responses when you’re upset or ask questions; digging deep to examine his flawed character traits that enabled him to lie & cheat, via IC, books on infidelity, and websites such as the Wayward forum on survivinginfidelity.com.

I wouldn’t advise couples counseling for now. You nor the marriage made him cheat. He and only he is responsible, so he needs to work on himself in IC. You can choose IC for yourself if you want that support as you navigate this crisis.

Again, you encouraged him to soar and he threw it back in your face. He trashed the stability of his family to prioritize illicit thrills. Restoring trust can take 2-5 years. You must determine if you’re going to risk giving him another chance. Personally, I probably wouldn’t.

I’m so sorry op, that is awful for you. Unfortunately, it’s tale as old as time….men with their huge, but often fragile egos combined with usually average but often wandering cocks, make stupid decisions. It sounds like you caught him in the early stages but I agree with PP. Keep him out for a while. This wasn’t “a mistake” this was a series of choices, which he knew were wrong and would be massively hurtful to you, which is why he deleted the messages. And as for he doesn’t know why he did it…..he did it because he wanted to, simple as that. He compartmentalised you and your relationship and chose not to think about you or the consequence. Well, he’s having to think about them now!!!
Take some time to think about what YOU want, consider what your life would look like without him, including financially. Lots of people do move past this, but it depends very much on the actions of the (Twat) man involved. If he is truly remorseful, doesn’t try to blame you in ANY way and is prepared to be entirely open about everything moving forward, then MAYBE I would consider it. If he refuses any of the above, or tries to rug sweep, it would be a hard no for me. Good luck, I’m sorry you are going through this xx

You will never trust him again, and will spend your life looking for proof. It’s up to you if you can live like that.

Thanks all for all your replies really appreciated. I think thats it the deceit and the gaslighting making me feel like I was insecure and paranoid and In a way when I found out it was a relief that I wasn't imagining things, I have very poor mental health as it is, so on top of the numerous day to day stresses I have, I have been honestly making myself ill (still am) I also can't stop torturing myself wanting to know every detail but also wanting to speak to him which makes me feel so pathetic. In a ideal world I would go completely no contact but that is impossible when children are involved.

He won't be getting back into my house for a very long time if at all I'm very strong about that. It is only the two youngest dc that we share together the older children know what's happened and see how broken I am and wouldn't be able to accept him back not anytime soon. He is remorseful I can see that in a complete state and he hasnt put any blame on me either he knows this is all on him.

Wether I can trust him again I really don't know don't want to be that person checking up etc its the fact that honestly up until past few months he has been amazing supporting me through a lot of things that most people would have been out here. Apologies I'm rambling here