Asking if I'm alright... ALL THE TIME!

[EmmaDilemma5]

Long term partner. Healthy relationship and we've got multiple young children. I can be hormonal, I am exhausted most of the time, and yes I'm therefore not the chirpiest person most of the time, but I'm honestly fine, just getting on with life.

But my partner starts almost every interaction with phrases like "what's wrong?", "Have I done something wrong?" "Are you in a mood?" And it's doing my head in!

I've tried explaining to him that, to me, it's such a negative way of starting a conversation and also feels accusatory, like challenging my moods all the time.

When actually it's just my straight face! Its starting to feel like I can't just rest and be myself without being questioned constantly.

It's so frustrating that we've been together almost two decades and he still can't read me.

Any advice? Because currently I just end up snapping as it's so boring now and he just won't listen when I say I'm fine. I know it's coming from a good place but it makes me want to throttle him!

Just tell him to stop and that it's doing your fucking head in?

I say that every time and it doesn't changed. I've even sat him down seriously and explained why I find it so annoying and he's promised to stop but within days he's back at it.

The problem is, it's a self perpetuating cycle. He asks constantly, I get moany BECAUSE he's asking all the time, then this makes him say "see you are annoyed" etc.

We have a good relationship, and it's not a deal breaker, but it's really on my tits and I have no idea how to stop him asking/accusing.

Sounds like he neefs reassurance. Do you tell him you love him? Show him affection?

So if it's not going to change just chirpy say ",
Good thanks just testing bitch face innit"

Every single time.

Make his as bored as you.

Resting....not testing

Sounds like he's anxious and paranoid. At least he asks too much and not enough!

That would give me the rage.

What was his last partner like? I was like this for about 5 years after my ex-DH, who had trained me to tiptoe round his moods. It took me literall years to grasp that some (most normal) people don't need you to keep checking on them.

OMG I just read that you've been together 20 years!

Not sure WTF...

DH and I have a code-phrase for this. "I'm not grumpy, I'm just a little grumpy." It means, "you haven't done anything wrong, I'm just feeling a bit down, nowt you can do about it, and it's not your fault." The correct response to this is to make the not grumpy but grumpy person a cup of tea and give them a hug - then leave them alone.

OMG, my DH is a bigamist.

him “how are you”
me “ok”
him “how do you feel”
me “fine”
him “what’s wrong”
me “aaaaaaarrrrrgggghhhhh”

Every Fucking Day!

I've got anxiety and it's my go to question - I worry about my DHs sanity from my continuous questions!

Sorry OP, just trying to think why I used to be like that myself.

Compulsively feeling responsible for everyone else's happiness...

Is there something in your DH's background that would make him feel this way?

Reassurance would come in the form of persuading him through thoughts and actions that you are quite happy to look after yourself and do not expect him to be on high alert around you all the time, quite the contrary.

Even when partners told me how irritating this was, I just took their irritation as another thing that was my fault.

Somehow you have to let him know that you're fine lookng after yourself and don't need his constant attention.

Tricky unfortunately.

Bigamist?

Yeah, also married to OP by the sound of it.

Nothing like someone asking ‘what’s wrong’ or ‘you look pissed off’ to bro g on the rage!!!

Thanks all, there's some good guidance in your posts.

He's definitely a fixer type person. Very solution focused and, at times, quite unemotional.

I think he genuinely perceives my resting face as a pissed off face, which is unfortunate. I have to be able to relax without having to plaster on a smile to avoid a barrage of questions about my mood.

@BlackaddersCodpiece that's really good advice, I think we need something similar!