Anyone long term NC with their mother? Feeling down about it

[Holdonwharaboutthewaffles]

Hi, I find it really hard to talk to anyone about this in real life as still quite a new situation and trying to get my head around it. My family background was not very nice, very violent, alcoholism, mother with what I think is an undiagnosed personality disorder and she was very emotionally abusive, not violent to me but was to a sibling.

It really affected me until my twenties and I've had to pull myself up a lot by my bootlaces in life with no support and push through a lot of stuff, siblings were close but we are not now as the fissures caused by the above widen into ever growing cracks in terms of relationship damage.

I am now nc with my mother (father is dead) I feel torn on it every day. I'm a better, healthier person like this but I feel so sad about it. I can't relate to people very well, I suppose I'm okay; I have a job I love, a partner, a few close friends but I suppose I just want to ask, how do you move on, will I always feel this deep sadness about all of this? What would help if anyone has been through similar?

Hi Op. Go and check out the Stately Homes thread. There are some lovely posters who will offer useful advice.

@CoffeeBeansGalore thank you. 😊

I am NC with my Mum. The only thing I occasionally feel bad about is when I see memes etc where it's all 'you only have one mother, you'll be lost without her'. I've no idea what it feels like to have a proper Mum.

What I do know is, my life is better without her in it. So much manipulation and emotional blackmail that stressed me out for decades. So I suppose it's the idea of a Mum that sometimes (but fleetingly) bothers me rather than being NC with the one I've got. Some people just aren't cut out to be parents, it's absolutely no reflection on us x

I am, I feel free. I don’t feel sad about it because I have no “good mum” model in my head I think. I actually don’t know what a normal one would be like (any idea I had would also just be fantasy) so it just doesn’t worry me,

Thanks @InsertSomethingInspiring for your reply. Yeah I get that feeling too sometimes. My main issue is I feel guilty and that I should do more to fix it but I have no reserves left any more for it all.

I’m no/extremely low contact I.e. family funerals only and then I limit to a civil hello. I think I’ve seen her every 18 months or 2 years for the last 10 years and went a 5 year gap before that. Used to bother me but I’m used to it now. I agonised over each meeting prior to that and have felt guilty in the past but it’s pure self preservation at this point. It gets easier. And don’t justify your choice to anyone, they know nothing!

Sometimes you can't fix it. Not everything can be sorted out. It is sad though. Even when you understand that. I'm no contact with my mother, I guess. To begin with it was her not talking to me (as a punishment for me asking her not to hurt me) but as time has gone by, maybe it's both of us now. Even if she said ''ok, ok, I'll talk to you now'' I think I'd be angry that she'd caused all this pain for nothing. So now, I can't see how it could be fixed, in any meaningful way. I mean I suppose less reactive people can discuss the weather and the garden. But I just .......... I can't.

@HippeePrincess it has occurred to me thaqt I would be terrified to go to my own mother's funeral because she has talked about me (but not to me) And in the version of events that she has told her brothers and sisters, she did NOTHING wrong and I'm abusive.

I was NC with my mum for about the last 7 years of her life. I’ve no regrets about being NC with her. It was the best thing for me and my Dd. But sad I couldn’t have a nice mother.