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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Sick guys' games

2 replies

Tcbay52 · 04/11/2022 13:11

My friend started flirting with me (he initiated "accidental" touch too often, made puppy dog eyes, complimented, stared at me) and at some point I reciprocated because I started to like him. Overall, however, I was withdrawn and rarely initiated conversation. Then he began flirting with my friend in my presence and suddenly became mean towards me (telling me that I was X or Y - some mean remarks regarding my personality, small lies about obvious things, he said, for example, that he would appear somewhere and then did not come or vice versa, sometimes he also looked at me with hostility and then I wondered what I had done.) He suggested a meeting and I agreed, I just wrote a short 'yes' but I didn't continue the topic because I thought he would suggest a date or a place but it didn't happen in the end. Later he continued to flirt, he remembered what I was saying and mentioned it later in conversations so I was positively surprised. He once told me to strengthen my relationship with one of my acquaintances. From that moment on I became more confused but I'd been confused by him the whole time because he, too, rarely spoke, then avoided looking at me and I had doubts whether he was interested at all. It wasn't until I pulled away that he started to acknowledge me more. Before that, one time he said I never liked him. Every time I ignore him, he tries to draw attention to himself, hangs around or stares. When we didn't talk for a long time (I pulled away from him), he made some insinuations that I supposedly underestimated him, that I didn't know what I was missing. Finally I asked via text if he wanted to go out with me because I was fed up with this emotional swing, and he also said a short 'yes' but didn't continue or mention it later. When I asked irl, he interrupted me by talking about something else and laughed, he continued to flirt. He still looks at me sometimes from the corner of his eyes or says hello but the next day he hides or avoids me. Is he trying to get revenge on me in some way or was he just pretending from the beginning and was just making fun of me? For me this whole situation is messed up. I have read a lot about narcissism and when I look at myself now, I think that he has found a victim in me so that I can worship him and be his "fuel" and only for that. He bragged a lot. His behavior is certainly abnormal but I'm not sure if I'm not going too far with this interpretation, possibly he is just immature and has no communication skills or he does not know what he wants. We are both very young. I just wonder if I was at fault by showing him too little interest (I started conversation myself maybe only twice because I was insecure and wanted to play it cool). Or maybe he expects me to keep running after him, begging, and he's not as interested as I thought, especially since he's attractive. I am stuck and I don't know how to react to him now. I feel that in fact he is a coward because he could not answer like a decent human being when I asked him out. Does he want to torment me mentally? I don't want to run after a guy who probably doesn't give a damn but he keeps provoking me and keeps me wondering what he means. Should I test the waters and talk to him a few more times and then he may clarify what he wants? I also thought that maybe he is afraid of me to some extent. I just don't understand what all this sick game and manipulation are for. In my head I keep trying to justify that he's nervous because I'm having trouble accepting that perhaps I was cruelly strung along.. Or did I read too much into it? I don't like when he still positions himself around me or stares, I wish he would just leave me alone forever.

OP posts:
SuzannaBonanza · 04/11/2022 13:21

This is why people say don't shit where you eat. You are there to earn money and experience and your work suffers when you have this drama. Try to find a boyfriend or FWB out of work in the future.

This had to be said so now that's out of the way: I can think of a million reasons why he is acting this way

  • immature
  • Has other options
  • Not over other girl
  • Maybe he likes guys too
  • Doesn't want to get involved at work
  • There is something he doesn't like or isn't sure about you and him working out
  • He likes someone else more
  • He is not used to pursuing and expects the girl to chase
  • He just likes the attention
  • He looks at you because things are awkward and he wants to be 'normal'
  • He is confused by you and trying to read you
  • He knows another guy there likes you so doesn't want to step on toes
  • He has plans to leave the country and doesnt want to get involved
  • He wants to focus on career and doesn't know how to suggest FWB and thinks by leaving things like this he doesn't confuse you
  • He was drunk or high when he said yes
  • He changed his mind and doesn't know how to tell you
  • He feels pressured by you

I think handsome guys are not desperate for attention as they have enough ego boost supply. It's the half-half some think they're cute some think average guys. So if he is 9+/10 I don't think this is about your attention for an ego boost.

Either way be professional and treat him normally when you have to interact and don't keep taps on how much he is looking at you. If you can't move, jobs and don't even go there with colleagues.

GreenManalishi · 04/11/2022 13:28

I don't like when he still positions himself around me or stares, I wish he would just leave me alone forever.

Out of all of those sentences, this is the (only) important one. This is what you need to focus on. Do what you need to do to make this happen.

Far too much focus on what he's doing, what he thinks, how he feels, what did you do to cause this. No need. What do you want? If it is for him to leave you alone then take the steps you need to take, if this means getting help, then do it.

The sick games and manipulation are to get your head into a state where you're massively overthinking what is going on and you're completely confused and hooked into spending your energy on him in one way or another.

Stop playing the game.

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