NC DM contacting my aunt (her ex-SIL)

[Sealily]

My parents divorced when I was a young child so my aunt, my DM’s ex-SIL, has been her ex-SIL for over 40 years. Due to my DF emigrating to a country a long-haul distance away where he met my DM, my DM and aunt have only ever met 4 times ever, the last time was for my wedding 6 years ago.

Due to a number of historical reasons culminating in my DM’s horrific behaviour at my wedding and afterwards I have been NC ever since. Over my lifetime my DM and aunt have exchanged Christmas cards occasionally but nothing else. They are very different people and have nothing in common.

Fast forward and my aunt has text to say I know this is a delicate matter but she is in contact with my DM and would she mind if she sent photos of my DS to my DM. My DH used to send DM photos but she sent him a stroppy and sarcastic email a couple of years ago so he hasn’t bothered since.

DM is clearly trying to siphon info about us through my aunt. She has a way of coming across as charismatic (until she turns on you) and will have worked her way into my aunt’s good books. However, when she met my aunt around my wedding time we were invited for dinner at aunt’s house and my DM’s behaviour was shocking. I pulled her up on it when we left and she said “what does it matter? She’s so f***g boring anyway.”

So, I don’t know what to say to my aunt? She is 85 years old and I think she is being manipulated for my DM’s gain. I don’t know whether she has asked aunt for photos or aunt just thinks it would be nice to send her some of DS. I also now feel uncomfortable telling aunt things about our life because I don’t know what info or photos will passed on to ‘D’M. DH says he can send her photos and cut out Aunt getting involved but it still means they are in contact (not my business of course).

Sorry that was long.

The aunt here is being used by your mother as a flying monkey. Flying monkeys are usually well meaning but easily manipulated relatives who have their own agenda/self interest at heart.

Do not send any photos of your children to these people. Put them on an information diet.

Re your earlier comment

"My DH used to send DM photos but she sent him a stroppy and sarcastic email a couple of years ago so he hasn’t bothered since"

Your last sentence reads
"DH says he can send her photos and cut out Aunt getting involved but it still means they are in contact (not my business of course)."

Why would he restart any form of contact with your toxic mother given how she has behaved previously towards you and he?. What on earth is his thinking here?. He needs to support you fully in not having anything to do with either this flying monkey aunty or your toxic mother. He needs to be aware also that if a parent or relative is too toxic/difficult/batshit for YOU to deal with, its the SAME deal for your child too.

@AttilaTheMeerkat thanks for your reply and insight about the ‘flying monkey’ scenario. Aunt likes to think she’s the peacemaker in the family, and is well-meaning but should butt out of other people’s business. She also overlooks the fact that she’s cut her two sisters out of her life for many years.

I wonder if I should text her back to say I would prefer she did not share photos of my DS, and from now on I won’t send her any photos or tell her anything about our life?

Also, DH will just do whatever I say in this regard. He can’t stand my DM so he couldn’t care less how I handle this but will back me up whatever I do.

Fast forward and my aunt has text to say I know this is a delicate matter but she is in contact with my DM and would she mind if she sent photos of my DS to my DM.
Dear Aunt,
It's very kind of you and we know that you have the best of intentions, however, we decided long ago to keep our distance from m, so we'd rather you didn't. Thank you for asking us first, you obviously understand how sensitive this is,
Looking forward to seeing you at Christmas! With love, Sealily and family.

"I wonder if I should text her back to say I would prefer she did not share photos of my DS, and from now on I won’t send her any photos or tell her anything about our life?"

There should be no response from you because telling her this further opens a door of communication that should remain closed.

Glad to read that your DH will back you up fully here.