Will this get better? Or just excuses?

[Hottimesahead]

Been exclusively dating my boyfriend for 8 months. We live nearly 45 drive away from each other and work close to our homes. Morning commutes to workplaces can be up to 1,5 hrs from each others houses, so not practical mid week. we both have extremely busy jobs, working more than we should.

At the start he was keen texting and keen to stay over and make a lot of effort - suppose honeymoon period and excitement. We got into a routine and saw each other 1 day during the week and at the weekend. This lasted till mid September When it got reduced to seeing each other on a Saturday only and maybe during the week if we could.

it got reduced as he was really stressed and started to suffer with insomnia. He then got unwell, then had covid and now working mental hours, often till 9pm as he is doing a project with oversea colleagues so meeting adjusted till late into the night. He now texts and keeps in touch less.

I did ask a few weeks ago if he was losing interest and expressed my unhappiness at his lack of contact and the situation. . He said no it’s situational, never been this busy and will get better in November, loves me just having a rough patch.

November had hit and he is still stressed and had daily meetings added till 9pm for next few weeks. back to not really seeing each other.

it’s never ending. It feels like he is fading me out despite him saying no. I do miss him and wonder how we can progress if this is life.

I understand he can’t do much about work, but he is reducing contact too. he says he is exhausted and it’s not me. But I can’t help but feel he is losing interest.

many advice on what to do! I feel needy but normally very secure in relationships.

I would give yourself a timeframe, a month or so then evaluate if it still the same, then this is how he is, long term it's not going to work out for you if he's working himself to exhaustion. Hard to tell if it's excuses, do you not believe him?

How many hours in a day is he working? Simply working til 9pm doesn’t sound like an excuse to stop contacting you appropriately and if you’ve already brought it up and his behaviour remains unchanged then you may have to cut your losses. It’s still early days he should be trying harder than this.

It seems pretty clear he's not prioritising taking the relationship forward.

Ŕelationships aren't about how often you see each other though.

Is intimacy evolving? Are you continuing to deepen your understanding of each other? Is a partnership developing or are you two individuals? Do you consult each other before decisions? Are there increasingly more shared friend and family relationships?

Sounds like this relationship is not working for you so I would give him an ultimatum and move on. Greener pastures ahead. Don’t waste your time.

@minticecreamisjustok i did think November. We have a holiday in 3 weeks all paid for. Maybe evaluate after the holiday.

@Puddlepup he is working 10-12 hrs a day. He does try and start late one day. But he is working his way to exhaustion. His behaviour only changed since he started to work lots

@Pineappleskies we are moving forward and future planning things. Family and friends met. No family close by for each of us. Friends i have more and tends to be girls nights.

@Sandra1984 I do like him and want a future. But its situation is not working for me. Just not too sure if I will be jumping the gun. His work is very pressured and competitive. Said he was held back once due to his boss thinking he was slacking

I’d hang on for the holiday- see how you feel when you get to spend time together and he can unwind.

@Honeyroar i probably should. Paid for it already and it’s non refundable. It’s just the change in behaviour. He says he is exhausted and that’s why.

days he is not a workaholic but been in work since 6am.

It doesn't really matter if it's excuses or not: his life/work pattern doesn't suit you. If he says it's going to get better in November, so there's a clear boundary already set for you. Let him be. Let him do things his way. If he's still not available enough for you by December, end the relationship.

He doesn't have to know about this; this is a boundary that you are setting for you. All he has to be is himself. You've told him you're feeling concerned; watch and wait now, to see how he prioritises your concern.

This one is just for dating. He prioritises work over everything else. Nothing wrong with that, but not marriage material.

no-one works solid from 6am until 9pm without even a minute to send a quick "thinking of you x " text - even if you don't have time to get into a conversation

presumably he manages to eat and go to the toilet

i think you're right to be cautious

what if you dropped the rope completely?
stop texting/chasing him - just leave it up to him
effectively act as though you assume it's over, until he tells you/acts differently?

i appreciate the holiday is a bit of spanner in the works for that - chances are you'll have a lovely time, then it will be back to normal as soon as he's back at work.

I never understand when people are "too busy" to communicate during the day, even a work day? No matter how busy you are, it takes seconds to send a quick text! It doesn't have to be paragraphs...but he will have breaks where he could spend 5-10minutes either calling or on a few back/forth text messages. He must find time to eat and go to the toilet - so why can't he find time to check in with the woman he's with? I think if people are really interested, they find the time to talk to the people they love... especially if you've brought it up to him that you're feeling lonely/like he's backing off - that should make him want to reassure you and find the time to talk. Nobody works 12 hour days with no time to look at their phone / have a break. X

I understand he can’t do much about work, but he is reducing contact too

This is the glaring factor, the lack of contact. My DP works away for extended periods from time to time, sometimes with a time difference and does really long full on stressful days, but we always manage to make contact throughout a 24 hour period several times, even if it's just a X, and longer messages or a call when we fall into bed, ask how the day went and check in.

His words and his behaviour aren't matching up. That's making you feel uneasy. Your gut is telling you that something doesn't make sense and that's not to be ignored. He is telling you with his behaviour that he does not have the time or the inclination to make up a priority in his life at the moment, and you deserve more.

@GreenManalishi yip my gut is not to be ignored. We spent a great weekend together. Nothing all day to check in and I had asked him if he wanted to book tickets for something too. He then called me on his way home for a chat. He normally doesn’t do that. I asked him if he saw my message. Nope he hadn’t despite telling me about drama in a works whatapp and updating his Facebook. Said he has been too busy hence why calling. but I did get upsetting news and he was good at calling back to listen.

@Paq msybe you are correct. His meetings are till end of month. He did say he can’t wait to spend time with me when we are away.

If he'd been updating his fb (assuming it was about something non-urgent) but had been too busy to even notice your text that would be a massive red flag to me.

It's about priorities. He did have time to look at his phone and felt a fb was more important

Ah difficult one this. My DP and I had this - he works incredibly long hours and this hit about 3 month in when he got a promotion. But he communicated when he could, even if it was just good morning and goodnight, and we pulled together to make it happen. I used to go over at ten at night sometimes and if he was anywhere close he'd pop in literally for a few minutes. It actually made us so much stronger as a couple normally would be at that stage and we valued our time together.
BUT you have to both be on the same team, and both want it to work!

it seems he’s fading you out. I’d too wait and see what happens after the holiday. Maybe he is waiting till then too? X