First date/ red flags 🚩

[Aftern]

meeting up for a first date tomorrow with a guy i met online
he is divorced with 2 dc
what are some red flags i need to be on the lookout for
tia

How do you feel about him? That’s the most important thing. Don’t override your feelings.

Too many to list but given his circs, I would say if he uses you as a therapist, doesn't have the divorce and access arrangements settled, any acrimony towards his ex (you aren't the appropriate person to air this to), if the marriage ended due to him cheating, if he doesn't seem to do his fair share of looking after the children, if he comes on too strong romantically or sexually (love bombing or just wanting to let off steam, not ready)

Biggest ones for me on a first date are being rude to staff and revealing that they have 'crazy' exes.

Oversharing, talking about exes, not seeing his children an appropriate amount, doing shots on first date!!

I'd personally be wary of a man who's left whilst the kids were still very young;this could be a sign he wasn't willing to pull his weight.

If he cheated;run don't walk.

If he's bitter about his ex and refers to her as crazy/a bitch then that's not a good sign;he could be hiding something or he could have an ex who'll cause major headaches.

If he move in with his mum post split and is still living there/doesn't have a permanent living situation then he's a potential cocklodger

If he doesn't pay maintenance then definitely no second date;you don't want to date a financial abuser.

Being specific to your post on him, I'd say..

Talking too much about his ex/divorce in the first few dates. It's boundary pushing as you are not his therapist. Similarly, later on, if you continue to date-if you notice he rakes no responsibility for how things went with his marriage. Or if he speaks in a derogatory or disparaging manner about his ex (or any women for that matter).

Mentioning 'helping' with his children. Or acting as if he is the secondary parent instead of someone with equal responsibility to his kids as the mother. Basically if you get the feeling he is a 'Disney dad'.

If the divorce is recent. Or if he still lives with his ex. Or if he says he cheated on her.

For me it would be him banging on about his ex all evening.

Anything that gives you that WTF feeling is a red flag. Be that something they say or something they do, or just something about them that makes you feel on guard. Red flags are your internal reactions to their personality traits. That’s why people say listen to your instincts.

What most of us do before we learn to actually listen to our instincts is brush those WTF feelings under the carpet and give the guy the benefit of the doubt, just in case this guy is The One. Well he’s not. Not if he’s causing WTF reactions in you.

It's easier to walk away in the beginning before feelings have got truly embedded. Yes you may well feel disappointed that "yet another one" hasn't made the grade but why would you want to be with someone who causes a WTF reaction in you anyway?

Keep an eye out for whether he's really divorced - all too many out there who are just pretending, or newly separated and after a revenge fuck

Assuming that he is really divorced, then it's much the same audition process: does he have good manners, is he interested in you, how does he talk about his DC (no oversharing in early dates, but pride in them should shine through).

I look for concrete examples of kindness - a much underrated quality

Ok
thanks all!

In general I think the first date should be about getting to know you and you him.
Has he made an effort
Is he on time
Is he generally pleasant
Do you like him.

Other aspects later.

If he's bitter about his ex and refers to her as crazy/a bitch then that's not a good sign;he could be hiding something or he could have an ex who'll cause major headaches.

Not good behaviour at any stage but let's face it few mumsnetters would ever get a date if this was applied to them. (Obviously their exs wouldn't be bitch)

Any over sexual talk. Bad manners.

Attention seeking behaviour. Talking about themselves to much. Unable to listen to you. Talking about money to much. You probably need to consider what your own no no’s are tbh.

So i went
it was a nice date nothing major but he has mentioned girl mates a few times on the date & on the phone afterwards
would this put you off?

Yes. For no other reason than you’re not feeling it with this guy.

It was a first date to see if you’re compatible.

You’re not. Why string him along?

A mate or two he's had for many years, no. But lots of different girl 'friends' yes.

I'd be wary that he's actually naming other people he is dating atm and just calling them friends.

If you like him, see him again but keep an eye on it. If it feels uncomfortable or like he's trying to say 'I'm so popular with women' then time to go.

Just a thought- my best mate is a guy and us I mention him on a date I always subtly add that he gay/married/I've known him my whole life (eg: 'i had a barbecue with him and his partner gary last weekend').

He should anticipate your discomfort at mentioning other women he is close too without clarifying that they are just friends imo. Eg: 'I've known her since school/her bf is a great laugh too'. Something to make it clear he doesn't just have tons of women 'friends'.

Though if it's just some work pal ir something, he might not think to do this as they aren't close. Maybe he doesn't realise he's name dropping lots. I think even then id add 'just a work friend (was saying...)' ect... though. If it were me.

Why do you care if it would put others off?

Does it put you off?

A red flag is something you feel, not something he does. You might feel the red flag feeling because he has the same smell as an abusive ex... you might feel the red flag feeling because his voice sounds like your mean uncle's... it's all personal to you, and doesn't mean he has to do anything wrong.

Listen to your feelings. If he does things that make you think 'Is that a red flag?' ask him to stop. If he carries on, leave. That's boundaries for you, for all your future dates and relationships, in one sentence. Leave people who continue to do things, when you;ve told them they're making you feel bad.

Thank you

@Aftern

The thing about first dates you don't have to go on a second.
If certain things don't seem right just say sorry don't we it would work is dating etc.

Yes definitely this. If he feels like he is a victim - just fob him off. It's not going to change. Also if he claims to be a fantastic dad and that mum is crap... watch that one too!

My BIL has been dating a woman close to his age (50s) for seven months. He told the GF he is divorced. However, he moved out of the marital home 8 months ago and his wife told him they were getting divorced 9 months ago. He is not divorced now and he certainly wasn't then. There are plenty more like him out there, for sure.

Ah, you know my ex husband 😂