Do I need to fancy my boyfriend

[Luby34]

I've been in a relationship since February. He is very sweet and caring but I don't fancy him - it's extremely rare that I fancy someone and it's getting me down. I know one day we will all be old and wrinkly but do I need to fancy someone to be with them? Previously I was in a toxic relationship with a narcissist who never complimented me, who sent me abusive texts and I ran from that as I deserve better. I feel I am with this new guy because he treats me with sweetness - I just don't feel that there is a bond. I don't even know what I want from writing this because I know the response i'll get...it'll be to leave him alone and let him get on with his life and one day I will find someone, but I feel I won't and I don't want a relationship like the previous one again! I'm 39 and want a child, a family and not to scroll on awful dating apps!! Do I stick with someone sweet and hope for the best or be single for probably the rest of my life as I don't fancy anyone. I'm not scared of being alone as I am very independent, but a relationship is nice and it's always nicer to have company than have none.

How can you face a life of having sex with someone you don't find attractive? What you seem to want is a kind housemate and sperm donor. That is a pretty rough deal for him.

Surely your partner can tell that you don’t fancy him? How could you consider condemning him to a lifetime of feeling undesirable, slowly destroying his self esteem, being fobbed off with infrequent “duty sex” instead of an enthusiastic loving sexual relationship? Let the poor chap go, OP, he deserves better.

It might be worth speaking to your GP about your lack of libido, as there could be a physical cause, such as hormone levels or some sort of vitamin/mineral deficiency.

Surely your partner can tell that you don't fancy him?

Perhaps the real issue here is not that she doesn't fancy her DP, but that she rarely ever fancies anybody at all.

What's been different about the people you fancied? Do you build attraction over time once getting to know someone's personality etc, or have you had 'love at first sight' type of experiences?

I'd say it's a bit unfair on your partner. They deserve to be loved. Or you might be on here 5 years from now starting a thread 'I am in a relationship with someone I don't love and completely miserable'.

I think you need to dig deeper.

What does it mean to not fancy him? You don't get tummy flush at the sight of him or you feel a bit grossed out snogging him or having sex with him? If you're having sex with him do yo u want to, do you feel like you actively want sex with HIM or just go along with it and pretend he's Chris Hemsworth? If I said he's just text me and he's dumping you, would you feel sad, ambivalent or relieved?

It's tricky because people do often say LTB if you don't fancy him but it's possible that you've got into a pattern of confusing the feeling of abusive treatment / hot cold behaviour with excitement/fancying. People on here recommend the freedom programme for helping with that (I have never done it so can't comment).

You definitely need to LIKE somebody to have them as a boyfriend and to be perfectly honest fancying them/ good sex can patch over an awful lot of the difficulties involved in having a LTR and kids. But you need to be sure you're not sabotaging yourself.

OP, how would you describe your feelings when you've fancied people previously? And how would you describe your feelings towards your current boyfriend/your relationship?

Could you talk it through with him? Explain that you don't get that erotic feeling, that you'll ask the GP for a check up to see if your hormones are out of whack.

Ask him what he want from the relationship - hot sex, or steady companionship.

He may already know, he may not mind, or it may be a dealbreaker in which case he deserves to know. Asap.

Are you housemates with benefits or do you do lots of activities together, there are lots of different relationships, if you are happy carry on and don’t worry about it. The relationship will last as long as it lasts, a great many passionate relationships don’t last so carry on as you are.

What does fancying someone mean to you? As in, how would you describe it? And did you fancy your abusive ex?

This is a very valid question.

What does fancying someone mean to you? What is it that you expect to feel when fancying someone?

How is that different to what you feel about your boyfriend?

How is your lovelife? I didn’t really fancy dh untill
i snogged him tbh.

Qsk him if he's happy with a sexless relationship once you've had children, he might be. That'll be a win for you both! Honestly there are so many people out there with no libido maybe you've struck gold.