I am feeling so so sad right now. I'm on a break from work and don't remember when I last felt so deflated. Not crying or anything, I almost feel too sad to cry, if that makes sense.
My DH of 5 years and I have been fighting and bickering regularly for the last few years. We have two DS, 2 and 4. So really since my youngest was born.
The main issue is that our communication is crap. My DH talks down to me, constantly pointing out that I have left the kitchen sticky, or that I'm not dressing the kids warm enough, changing their nappy often enough, putting too many layers on when it's warm, straps are too tight in the car seat, I'm not cooking well enough for the kids etc. When I make a meal for him he usually doesn't comment or asks why I put honey in the honey chilli chicken when he doesn't like that. It has gotten to the point that I ask him before I leave the house with the kids if he thinks what they are wearing is ok. I feel like this all sounds so stupid but it is constant and it is wearing me down.
When I do react to his comments and get annoyed, he patronises me by referring to my baby brain, or asks if my period is coming. I do get more irritated on the run up to my period, but I think that just means I'm less able to ignore his bullshit...so really it is me reacting to him, as opposed to me being irrational.
The argument at the moment is because he was late at work 2 nights ago (he works long crazy hours and all the kid admin is left to me, I work part time). I got the boys fed, bathed, ready for bed...then put them both down to sleep (I have to lie down with them). I was in with the older one and he was finally drifting off (it was 8.15 and we hard started the bedtime routine just after 7). He has a cold so he really needs the sleep. My husband has finally arrived home from work, gotten himself showered and decided to sneak into the room and wakes up my son. He knows that when the lights are off and it's quiet that I'm doing bedtime. I stormed off and said you can put DS to bed then (my DS prefers DH at bedtime, he only accepts me when DH isn't there). I did stomp about a bit because I was so frustrated. But I feel like I am always doing the hard graft and then he gets to sail in like fucking Disney dad to be full of fun and cuddles, and doesn't care if he disrupts my hard work. He then came downstairs and asked for an apology, and I tried to explain why I was frustrated and an huge argument broke out. He doesn't let me finish when we argue, he interrupts me and twists what I say. I got worked up and shouted...he said he needed space and didn't want to talk to me so I have given him that.
Last night he came in and did nothing for the boys for bedtime. I was rushing around as usual and asked him if he was going to help, and he said he is scared to help or get in my way as I will just get angry at him. He has said that he won't come home before work anymore before 8pm to please me and so he doesn't get into trouble.
I asked him (over text as I thought it was better and he was in the spare bed in our older son's room), if he would consider counselling or can we talk to try to resolve this? I reacted in a frustrated way (which he has done to me many many times), I said it wasn't the right way to act but can he understand why I did? He is refusing to see things my way and when I ask how we resolve this all he replies with is he will come home after 8 and then I can have everything my way. I said I want to fight for our marriage and we can't carry on fighting like this and he just keeps on that he will stay away and if I want to scream at him then that's up to me, and that I like to argue.
If this was a one off then it would be ok, but it's all the time. Usually I let things go and compromise but it's always me. I'm not doing it anymore, I'm standing up for myself and I feel he doesn't like it. We are still not talking and I'm dreading going home and him coming home later. I can't live like this. What do I do? Am I in the wrong here? Have I misunderstood everything?