Mental health has ruined our marriage

[Ivehadenough5]

Just need somewhere to write my thoughts /feelings down as noone to talk to irl.
Unbeknownst to me, but obvious now, my husband has been suffering from mental health problems for many years that have slowly been getting worse.
The past 5 years have been tough on our relationship. He became withdrawn, moody, no fun in him, and it wore me down. I was desperately trying to be the fun mum for our 2 kids to make up for having such a miserable father. Id asked him if he was OK multiple times and he constantly said that was just the way he was and he was fine.
Fast forward to this past year, it has been hell. I was working up to telling him I wanted to seperate because life with him is just no fun for me or my kids.
A few months ago he finally admitted to me he was worried he was depressed & was going to go the doctors which he did. I was so happy that he'd finally admitted it and we had an answer to what was wrong with him & he could potentially get better. I thought our marriage would get back on track and everything would be magically fixed.
As the weeks have past (whilst being medicated) things have just got worse and worse. He's admitted that it's much worse than he originally said and we actually think there is something else at play such as schizophrenia or psychosis or something like that. He's currently waiting to be seen by a specialist.
Now I know he is poorly, I know he can't help it. But our lives are shit! His life is just meerly existing, and trying to get through each day. My life is desperately trying to look after the family and him, the house, and keep the kids on track with school and take them to after school clubs, social events & to see family whilst he does absolutely nothing.
I was so unhappy before I wanted to seperate, I had a glimmer of hope and now it's worse than before. I don't want to live with this anymore. I love him, and care about him but I don't want to be his wife anymore. I don't want to live with this anymore. I don't want my kids to have to witness their father every day acting so withdrawn. This has worn me down over many years and I just have nothing left to give. Now I feel even more trapped than before because how can I abandon him now?

@Findingmypurposeinlife thank you for your very helpful comments xx

You are most welcome. I completely understand what a difficult and distressing time this is for you. And the reason I strongly encourage you to co-attend any future appointments is to ensure that the professionals hear your voice too.
Your husband has done well to seek professional help, but he might not be aware that this is just the beginning and that he may well be on medication for life, and that things (outside of his control) will change. During appointments, he will likely focus on things from his own perspective (not yours) and may 'play down' situations (not necessarily intentionally - he might genuinely not understand the seriousness. Medication might also play a part) You are clearly holding the fort and being the strong and responsible one in all this but you are not your husband's parent and you cannot be expected to be. Be prepared to spell this out.

Me too. I feel desperately sad reading this. Despite everything , people
with mental health issues are still
so very often treated differently than someone with physical issues. The stigma will
always be there.
Poor mental health is horrendous.

I’m sorry for your husband and for you. Please leave if you feel like this, your children deserve to grow up in a home with a happy and fulfilled Mum. Though it’s sad for your husband, it’s not your fault or responsibility. He can get help and get well and hopefully move on to successful relationships. Unfortunately it seems like him seeking help and receiving treatment has come too late for your marriage.
Please don’t waste your life feeling on edge and miserable, you matter too

I wondered how things are for you now a few months on , OP?

If your husband were ill, let's say with cancer, would you be thinking about leaving? I guess not because you know he would be very poorly and might die. Well hello. He is very poorly and yes he might die. I don't understand how you can talk about ending your marriage when he is so critically ill. Don't make the children the excuse. They are probably more adaptable than you.

No one ever wants to talk about how living with someone with poor mental health can have a knock on effect on their partners mental health.

The other persons mental health can take a battering, and their mental health is just as important.

I lived with someone with poor mental health for years and it was extremely tough.

I have since suffered as a result of that as I had complex PTSD, depression etc.

I honestly wouldn't want someone to stay with me if they were miserable, even if the reason they were miserable wasn't my fault ie. mental health issues.

Sorry and this is meant kindly, but the cancer analogy doesn’t quite work, because living with someone with cancer doesn’t put you and your children in danger of getting it too. 💐

Sending love. Please remember you are a person and deserve to be happy. You might be surprised at how well he copes on his own.

Put yourself and your children first . Don't ruin their childhood . Yes it's very sad for your OH but ultimately it's him who needs to get better , if he has the desire too . Personally all this being involved with his care plan would be too much on top of everything else and tbh it could take years or never for him to recover to some semblance of normal life .

@Findingmypurposeinlife I just come along to see how you are doing if you are still here? Also my nan has psychosis but she hasn't always its quite a complex condition and she developed it out of the blue.

I think you would know if your DH had that because people who have it tend to think things have happened that haven't despite it seeming very real to them.

@Thistlelass if you have not lived with someone with MH issues you can have no idea of the impact on the family I supported my ex for years , covered for him, financially supported him. He took ADs but also drank . He constantly criticised our son and destroyed his self esteem . He was nasty and critical of me and refused to do anything or try any strategies to help. He eventually physically attacked our son and at 18 I had to quickly move him into a flat ( on the advice of the Police) while I found us somewhere to live. We are much happier now but it has taken a long time for my son to mentally recover and I feel so guilty I didn’t leave sooner.