Mental health has ruined our marriage

[Ivehadenough5]

Just need somewhere to write my thoughts /feelings down as noone to talk to irl.
Unbeknownst to me, but obvious now, my husband has been suffering from mental health problems for many years that have slowly been getting worse.
The past 5 years have been tough on our relationship. He became withdrawn, moody, no fun in him, and it wore me down. I was desperately trying to be the fun mum for our 2 kids to make up for having such a miserable father. Id asked him if he was OK multiple times and he constantly said that was just the way he was and he was fine.
Fast forward to this past year, it has been hell. I was working up to telling him I wanted to seperate because life with him is just no fun for me or my kids.
A few months ago he finally admitted to me he was worried he was depressed & was going to go the doctors which he did. I was so happy that he'd finally admitted it and we had an answer to what was wrong with him & he could potentially get better. I thought our marriage would get back on track and everything would be magically fixed.
As the weeks have past (whilst being medicated) things have just got worse and worse. He's admitted that it's much worse than he originally said and we actually think there is something else at play such as schizophrenia or psychosis or something like that. He's currently waiting to be seen by a specialist.
Now I know he is poorly, I know he can't help it. But our lives are shit! His life is just meerly existing, and trying to get through each day. My life is desperately trying to look after the family and him, the house, and keep the kids on track with school and take them to after school clubs, social events & to see family whilst he does absolutely nothing.
I was so unhappy before I wanted to seperate, I had a glimmer of hope and now it's worse than before. I don't want to live with this anymore. I love him, and care about him but I don't want to be his wife anymore. I don't want to live with this anymore. I don't want my kids to have to witness their father every day acting so withdrawn. This has worn me down over many years and I just have nothing left to give. Now I feel even more trapped than before because how can I abandon him now?

Could there be a compromise what are you like financially. Could he take some time away rent somewhere go to his parents whilst he works on getting better. Give you and his kids some space and then you could take it from there baby steps doesnt have to be all at once.

I desperately want to suggest something like this. I really need a break and I think it would do him good to be away from the sounds and stimualtions of a busy family.
But his parents don't know about his struggles and he won't tell them. He also can't stand his mother so won't go there.
He is the breadwinner (although currently off sick). He wouldn't be able to pay to stay in a hotel somewhere or something on top of what he already pays. If we didn't have to kids I would be the one to leave but obviously I have the responsibility of looking after everyone so I can't

You don't have to stay with him OP, just because he isn't well. I know the marriage vows are 'in sickness and in health', but when we say them we don't always know exactly what we're agreeing to and if life for you and your DC is unbearable you should prioritise giving them a reasonable childhood. If your DH does have schizophrenia or psychosis (or even serious depression), these are very difficult conditions to live with and I don't think anyone in their right mind would feel you were doing the wrong thing by prioritising your DC's happiness and wellbeing.

Does he have a friendship group he can turn to?
Or is there a local men's health/support group he could attend?

He needs to talk to someone that's not family.

He has cut off all of friends and family but wouldn't tell them anyway. That's why it's got this bad, he wouldn't even tell me for years let alone anyone else.
I just feel like he is ould hurt himself if I told him I want to seperate right now but I can't cope with it anymore. Every day is hell, sad, upsetting,

I would put your children and you front and centre in your lives now; not your H.

And indeed you do not have to stay with him simply because he is mentally unwell. I am wondering how much of this from your DH is due to MH against how much of this is due to him being abusive.

Why can't he abide his mother?. What, if anything, do you know about your H's childhood because that often gives clues.

This is so difficult to live with. Have you told him exactly how you feel?

OP, I lived with my ex for 15 years. He had mental health issues, probably bipolar but he didn't push to get a diagnosis. I suspect schizophrenia. I became completely worn out, doing everything at home,with our daughter, working lot of hours. Our lives were miserable. Walking on eggshells, not wanting to spend anytime with us. I wasted 15 years. Don't waste any more time. He is responsible for his mental health not you. My life now is calm, peaceful, not treading on eggshells, our daughter is more relaxed and doing great at school. There is such a better life waiting for you. Run towards it. You will have a much better life!

Obviously, this is completely out of his control but it's great he is getting help. It's not always easy for those suffering to reach out and ask for assistance. Especially with men - it can be a taboo.
My advice for you would be to try (if he allows it) and accompany him to his appointments - particularly when he sees a specialist. It will help if you can explain how his condition is impacting his life and yours. And you can be involved in his treatment plan. (Which is more than just being prescribed medication) They may even be able to support him with independent living arrangements - so even more helpful if you can accompany him and explain the importance of this..
Even if you don't choose to stay, it means you can be kept in the loop and they can also provide you with any relevant support/carer networks, plus you can be clued up on local crisis teams etc. if there comes a time when he needs it.
With the right treatment plan and support, he can have a better quality of life - which will subsequently be better for you and the children too in the long term.

Op - my exDH also suffered from MH issues for years (I think bipolar 2). He refused to get proper treatment, ie he would self medicate with alcohol and cannabis but refuse ADs, go to therapy for a few sessions, then drop out). It made my life unbearable as I constantly had to make up for it with the children, cover up, take care of him. Eventually I just decided that I matter too. I asked him to move out despite his depression and he did. The 18 months was bad because he was so unstable and we had to keep coparenting. But it was calmer and better for the kids and I think better for him as well because he didn't have the constant friction of living with me. But ultimately what mattered was that I was relieved of an unbearable strain and I am much happier now. You only have one life. His family judged me for doing it but honestly who cares? If I kept on sacrificing my life for him for another 20 years no one would give me a medal!

Yes they've already told me I can be involved with the care plan & he says I can be at the meetings I plan to speak then.
In my mind our marriage was already over before all this, and now this has just added another layer of difficulty into everything.
He is barley functioning as a human being. Without going into loads of detail our home belongs to me so he would need to be the one to leave. He just isn't capable of that at the moment. He wouldn't be able to do the administration side of a house move, or look after himself, feed himself etc. And of course he would be devastated so God knows what that would do to him.

"He is barley functioning as a human being. Without going into loads of detail our home belongs to me so he would need to be the one to leave. He just isn't capable of that at the moment. He wouldn't be able to do the administration side of a house move, or look after himself, feed himself etc. And of course he would be devastated so God knows what that would do to him".

What does he do now?. Does he socially interact at all with you and or his children?.

That all said though, you cannot yourself act as some sort of rehab centre yourself to him. And the effects of all this on your children is incalculable and perhaps not fully seen for many years, at least until adulthood.

Would he be devastated as you seem to think he would be?. You cannot rescue and or save him; being either a rescuer and or saviour in any relationship are approaches that never work.

So, it is exceptionally important that you clearly outline the struggles he is facing (admin, feeding himself, etc.) in his appointments and state that you cannot support him as you already have children to look after. Make a list of all the things he needs assistance with, and any concerns, prior to appointments. If he is worse since being on medication - flag this - there is a variety of medications available and if one is not working, you must let the Doctors know.
There will be support available, but it doesn't always come easily. Don't be afraid to put things in writing and always get the names of staff you deal with in the event you need to follow up/escalate. Don't allow the specialists to put the onus on you to provide all the support - ensure you ask for all available resources.

How long has he been on meds? Sometimes they can make you feel worse before you feel better. I’ve seen a close relative go through awful mental health problems and come out the other side with medication and be a fantastic and brilliant father and husband. Your DH obviously should have got help sooner but unless he’s given the meds a good few months and possibly tried other meds and doses, you can’t really say what the outcome of treatment will be.

It sounds incredibly stressful by the way. 💐 there’s no quick fix. Leaving him won’t make the situation go away, what ever you decide in terms of the support, he’s the father of your kids and that isn’t going to change.

As a person struggling with mental health atm reading these posts makes me feel really sad and worried

Living with a DP with MH issues is difficult and I don't think anybody fully understands unless they've been there. MH issues are no quick fix and the person you once knew / loved, can become completely unrecognizable. It can completely change the dynamics of a relationship and over time, it takes it's toll.
You shouldn't feel guilty if you choose to separate, you have to think about your children and your own MH. x

Just to add, this 'early' stage (in terms of seeking professional help) is really important. It's crucial to do the groundwork as a team, especially when getting a formal diagnosis in writing (This is vitally important to ensure he gets access to literally every piece of support available out there) and as difficult and frustrating as it may feel right now, it will really help in the long term for you as a family unit. Even if you have decided this is the end of the road for your relationship, I am assuming he will maintain contact with the children. So, encourage him to be open with the professionals and let him (and yourself) know that whatever happens, by working through it, challenges can be overcome and there can be positive outcomes. It may not feel that way right now, but it will happen. Be brave and face this head-on and encourage him to do the same.

He may be so zoned out on the medication that he seems even worse than before. Is there any way he could have a hospital stay so they could balance his meds and take time to see them working. No one is observing his reaction to those drugs which is worrying.
At he end of the day you need to take care of yourself as the dc need you to be well and able to be a functioning parent for them. Having their dad there in such a state is not good for them either. Its an extremely tough situation for you.

That's why I feel guilty because he is actively seeking help, being open with me, and willing to attend the appointments and take medication. So he is trying.

It's just for me it's all too late.. This has been going on so long. Our marriage is irreparably damaged & I can't see how it can get better unless he suddenly becomes a completely different person which isn't going to happen.

@AttilaTheMeerkat when the kids are at school he sits quietly. When they are here he makes a big effort to act "normally " infront of them. But it's all an act. It's a huge effort for him & he gets no joy or pleasure from anything we do. Plus he won't go and see family etc with us which makes things difficult. I know this is the illness causing all this but because he's let it go on for many many years, it's become our normality and has made me feel angry now that he isn't the father I want him to be (that makes me sound terrible I know)
He is not contributing anything positive to our lives at all. It is all negative.
I take the children out alot on my own, even on holiday on my own, and it feels so joyous and free when we are on our own. I feel relaxed and enjoy every minute. I want that all of the time

Please don't feel guilty for it being too late for you! These things happen in life, regardless of the circumstances leading up to the decisions we make in life. We are human and we change. Be gentle with yourself too.
The fact he is seeking professional help will better equip him to deal with any difficult decisions he has to face.

I think if you can make the time when the kids are in school, you could see a therapist yourself.
Because that weekly support and place to offload where you can say what you like and be as angry as you like could be a great outlet for you.

Yes I definitely need to speak to someone. I can't afford to pay private so do I speak to my gp first or a charity such as mind.?

Hey, couldn’t read and run. I am through the other side. I split with my husband 2 weeks ago tomorrow. It was the last thing I wanted, but he was adamant that he wanted to sell our house. The last 2 and a half years have been hellish. He has changed so much due to his depression, but because he finally started taking tablets he thinks he’s no longer depressed. But he pulled away from me and all our family and friends. All he does is work, he never stops, never wanted to spend any time with me and it was probably the loneliest I’ve ever been in my life.
I’m now in my own place and slowly getting used to it. I do feel down at times, but it’s more to do with feeling a failure as opposed to missing him. You can do it. Yes, it might be harder as you have children, but the benefits of being in your own space will definitely outweigh the negatives.
Life is short and you have every right to be happy. Good luck x

(Just for background, I used to accompany someone to their psychiatric appointments)
It was absolutely horrendous and really upsetting at the time and I completely relate. I always remember a kind female stranger offering me a hug and a handhold when I broke down on the way back from one of the appointments in the early stages (The train I was on terminated early, and I couldn't face spending more time having to wait for a bus and facing stares from strangers who didn't understand that the person I was with had MH issues and just thought they were acting 'oddly' and so I refused to leave the train and just sat and cried - staff eventually got me a taxi home) That stranger will honestly never know just how much their kindness meant to me, but they could see I was at the end of my tether.
Their psychiatrist also helped by answering my questions and explaining the behaviours were outside of their control - a chemical imbalance in the brain etc) But that the right medication could help manage this. (It eventually did) Might be good to get armed with information from appts, for the children to be able to understand this when they are old enough?
One plus point, by accompanying them to appointments and verbalising my own frustrations and concerns regarding the seemingly helpless situation, they were (eventually) provided with actual practical solutions to real-life problems (accommodation etc) - in turn, the other person now lives independently, and their quality of life is completely different (and vastly improved) as is mine.
If you need to talk, I would suggest your GP is a good starting place.