This is a long one. Just been reading a few threads posted by women who are the cusp of leaving or have just left an abusive marriage. I am 8 years out of a physically, financially, sexually and emotionally abusive marriage and have worked like a donkey these past 8 years to love myself. Mumsnet was instrumental in me leaving. The women on here held up a mirror to the reality of my marriage. Thought reading about my story might give people who think they aren't coping with the reality or fall out of an abusive relationship a bit of comfort. Obviously everyone is different and this is in no way a timetable. There was light at the end of a very dark tunnel for me. Just my story and fierce encouragement that leaving is the right thing to do for anyone in an abusive relationship.
2013 - Year before I left. Awful relationships with friends and family. Broken bones caused by DH, extreme emotional distress, really confused, lingering clinical l depression, wasn't allowed to buy my 3 DC a winter coat. Wasn't allowed sugar in my coffee. Scared at 6.45pm every night. Kept getting physically ill.
2014 - Year I left. So hard, constant gaslighting and threats from ExH after I was removed from house. MARAC by police came out as high. No further action by police on my say so. Court to sort out child arrangements. Divorce started. Lots of alcohol abuse by me to numb the feelings, an inappropriate sexual relationship with someone totally unsuitable, crashed and burned and got my heart broken. My parenting was permissive and stressed. I had no boundaries. Relationships with my parents and siblings improved, they were my rocks. Did freedom project and had counselling. Contemplated suicide, very nearly did it.
2015 - Rented housing stabilised. Started a course to improve my prospects as was made redundant. Started to push back on exH and asserted some things I wanted from divorce. He kept marital home as I gave in. Was absolutely skint and living in an awful private rented, some weeks I had £5 for food for me and 3DC. Parenting capacity was still wobbly but got DC some help through local domestic abuse service and school. Emotionally I was still pretty bumpy too.
2016 - 2017 Finished course and got a FT job - poor pay as first rung of ladder. Stopped drinking and going out so much due to responsible job. Started psychotherapy with Rape Crisis and got an ISVA due to court case for historical CSA. Got my head down and survived and this is when I started to be the mother I wanted to be.
2018 - Got promoted into better paid job. Bought a very small property right next to DC school. Really sorted out my shit with DC and parenting. Started to know myself, who I was and where I wanted to be. Started writing letters to my future self every NYE and read them back to myself the following year (still do this now). Started walking up mountains to make a physical pain condition better and this actually helped my mental health more than any other intervention. Who knew!
2019 - 2021 - Met my (soon to be DH) DP and slowly learnt how to be in a healthy relationship. Read a lot about insecure attachment issues. Found out I was able to say 'No' and not get punched in the face. Learnt how people act when they not only love you but care about you.
2022 - Promoted again. I can buy things without asking anyone every day. I am safe. Haven't had an injury or illness this year. Have climbed 15 ish mountains. Household income is 8 times what it was in 2016. The DC have winter coats bought for them by me in September every year, without fail. This is my red line. If someone annoys me and I feel something is unfair I say it now instead of being too scared. We love each other fiercely, me, my DC and DP. I have sugar in my coffee every morning.
I left and stayed left but as you can see it was messy as anything, I wasn't at all brave and has took me years to recover. Be patient with yourselves, leaving is a very hard task 