Help and advise needed

[FibroMummy]

Hi, I'm new here and looking for some advice. I was diagnosed with Fibromyalgia 9 years ago, I battled continually bringing up our 2 children age 9 and 6 while my partner was in and out of work. Last year he lost his job through his own fault but has tried to make out he's not working to help care for me BUT he does nothing to help me, he's always in bed in the morning when I get up to get the children ready for school, if I wake him he always has some sort of excuse that he's been up all night or he couldn't sleep. So I'm up sorting 2 children and 2 dogs breakfast, dressed bags etc. Throughout the day he will always say in going to get up in a minute and do housework, he will sit around for hours on end just doing nothing while I struggle with chronic pain trying to get day to day jobs done. When I'm finished he will say oh I was going to do that or what would you like me to do knowing full well that I've now finished what needed doing. In the evening he springs to life and will sit on his pc for hours on end before coming to bed anything from 11pm-2am. I'm usually in bed by 7pm due to pain and then we wake up and rinse and repeat each day. Am I wrong for thinking he's just using me as an excuse to not work, it's so frustrating I'd do anything to not have fibro and be able to go out to work. He's certainly not caring for me as he claims and does nothing to help, in fact he makes more mess than the children and he's like having a 3 rd child. Please give me some advise on how to deal with this situation.

I'd leave. He's no help anyway the useless swine

Yes, he’s using you, and you’re letting him. Time to stop.
I see he’s a DP and not a DH, so that’s one problem solved. Prepare to split.

I've considered it many times, but then always felt guilty as he has no family he talks to and he always says to the kids that if we ever split it's mums choice not mine.

Yep, I've refused for 10 years to be married to someone who is so self centred. If only it was that easy for us to split. He has nowhere to go and I feel bad for the children.

So you’re going to feel like this for everyone else’s sake. At some point you’ll start to think about yourself.

So not only is he a useless cocklodger, he's a manipulative useless cocklodger.

Honestly OP, do yourself a favour and get rid. He's taking the piss out of you. Why doesn't he speak to his family?

I'd read him the riot act and if he doesn't step up, he needs to go. Good luck x

I guess it is time to think of myself and my health for once

His father lives over seas and his mother is a raging alcoholic. I just feel sorry for my children, I always had a 2 parent family growing up and still do, so I think maybe that's why it's harder for me to split and then the children have a split family.

I'm sorry OP, but 'feeling bad' for the kids is not a 'reason' to put up with this abusive man.

I call him 'abusive' because what else would you call a man who ignores his partners pain and distress, and deliberately adds to it by forcing her to do all the housework and childcare ? Could you watch him suffer like that ?

My guess is no, you couldn't ! So exactly why would you think it would be better for your kids to watch you suffer, every single day, and to grow up thinking that it's perfectly fine to treat your partner like that ? Rather than them have the 'upset' of separating from him, which will be over in a relatively short time ?

It's not your problem that he has nowhere to go to, that's a problem for him to solve ! (And he could solve it by getting a bloody job and paying his own way!)
You are not responsible for 'taking care' of him ! He's an adult !

(Remember, he's choosing to watch you suffer because he'd rather lie in bed and do fuck all !)

Also, your kids are going to bed early right now, so you can go to bed early too, but very soon they'll be bigger and staying up later, so your day is only going to get longer and harder !

If you keep doing what you're doing now, you'll end up being unable to cope anymore, and what will happen then ? He won't suddenly grow a conscience, will he ? No. What he'll probably do is to leave you, for someone else who is able to 'take care' of him ! Because he's selfish, lazy and self absorbed. He'll never go back to work again if he can find any way to avoid it !

Get rid of him now, to save you and your DC from a hellish future...

He has nowhere to go Then he'll need to find somewhere won't he like everyone else does who needs to move.

I feel bad for the children. You'll be doing them a favour showing them that you won't have the piss taken out of you.

What's your housing situation, your name/joint etc?

As kangaroo said, at some point you’ll start to think about yourself.

If he doesn’t change, then as sure as eggs are eggs, you will leave sooner or later.

Concentrate on getting him to up his game for 3 months, use whatever means you like but keep the pressure relentless and don’t give up. After the time is up, if things haven’t changed, you can then decide to leave. He had a chance and it’s his responsibility, not yours.

At the same time, sort your finances and start visualising your new life. At some time he needs to realise you are both at make or break point.

Do not feel sorry for him, he does not feel sorry for you. He is using you for an easy life.

We are in social housing, joint tenancy. I'm so upset that I trusted all his lies for all these years, I'm just fed up of struggling while he sits there any watches. Much easier to battle through the pain when you dont have someone who is able bodied but just to lazy to help.

What are you getting out of this relationship with this manchild exactly?.

You're being used by him, you are allowing yourself to be used by him and he sees you as a soft touch.

What do you want to teach your children about relationships and what are they learning here?.

And it's better to be from a so called broken home than to remain in one as you are doing now.