DH breakdown , ASD, menopause and feeling sad

[TIMERSON]

Long one sorry ! Its not particularly straight forward and I’m not sure whether it’s my peri hormones making things seem worse but wondered if anyone can just offer any advice . Happily married for over 20 years with two older teens both living at home. DH has suffered with MH since I’ve known him, he had 2 previous mini breakdowns when life become tricky and major life changes (basically when kids were born coupled with his super stressful job - he’s waiting on an ASD assessment after years of me encouraging him to seek one - recently found out DDautistic too so genetically highly likely). Knowing what I have learnt of autism I completely understand why life can be extremely hard for him, he FEELS so much but also things are so black and white. It has been hard for us to always understand where each other is coming from but we’ve always managed to work things through over the years and we were at a really lovely point in our lives when he lost his mum suddenly 8 months ago and bang out of the blue peri menopause has hit me like a truck .

DH is struggling with the loss of his mum and has had another breakdown - seen doctor and started counselling but job is super pressurised and he’s drowning and just about keeping it together.He’s pretty much a shell with anxiety sky rocketing. I really feel for him I do but after years of having to be the band aid in our family I’m just so tired of it. I feel terrible even writing this as he lost his mum but I have been really supportive and continue to take most of the load of family life which I’ve always done but I just don’t have the emotional capacity or patience anymore. I’m at a time in life where emotionally I now need someone.

The other thing is that although I’m started HRT which has been great for balancing emotions I’ve had a huge surge in wanting intimacy (and sex). I guess Id got used to DH lack of physical affection as I’ve been busy sorting out the kids and general life but now they are older and living their own lives I feel there is this massive hole - I’m the opposite and love cuddling, being close to people . I crave some intimacy - anything - but he just isn’t wired that way ( quite common with ASD). I’m 9 years younger, Sex life has always been quite regular and good but for last few years his desire has basically disappeared and I feel rejected, embarrassed and basically pretty shit. I’ve tried to instigate things but I can tell he’s really not wanting to which makes me feel even worse. I’ve told him I need more physical touch and he said he understands and will try but also pretty much told me that he can’t give it to me as his MH is causing him to withdraw and he needs to focus on getting better. (He called me a limpet the other evening when I cuddled up to him ( I know it’s his sense of humour but it kind of hurt and made me feel desperate :)) I understand I really do but I have this insane inner craving of wanting intimacy and I don’t understand why he doesn’t want to be close when it actually makes you feel better. I know it’s the menopause but it’s like I can’t stop wanting to be held etc. Convos have been ending in rows or me getting upset - it’s hard when our brains see things differently and I don’t want to add anymore stress on him.

I love him very much and I feel selfish that he is still grieving and I am thinking about myself but I feel lonely and long for things to be like they were when we were younger. Advice please - I don’t want to leave him have an affair just a way to try and tackle this xx

Oh you poor old stick, that sounds utterly rubbish. Hopefully someone with proper insight can offer you advice soon, but in the meantime please try to remember that you are not a professional therapist, you don't have the knowledge and skills needed to hold someone else together, especially when you're struggling yourself - you really can't do it all by yourself, no wonder you're feeling the strain.

Thing is, it's unlikely that he can ever be the man you would like him to be. This version of him is the only one - and is that enough? Being in a one sided relationship is relentless and exhausting, and sometimes you just end up with having given so much of yourself that there's absolutely nothing left anymore....

I read on here all the time that no woman is a rehab centre for men. Maybe it's time to look at having something for you. You are worthy of love and affection.

We really are just slaves to our hormones. What you describe about just caring less is very common in menopause. There was a lovely thread recently about how everyone had started giving ‘zero fucks’ about things that previously were important.

Whatever it is that make us good mums to put our children (and husbands) first most of our lives just disappears. I think it’s natures was of telling us to go out and have some life on our terms.

I have had depression twice (PND and menopausal) so I have sympathy for your dh. But he needs to be proactive in helping himself. It’s very easy to get into a dynamic where one person becomes the giver and the other the taker. Maybe the counselling will help, can he ask about this?

Ref the sex. Is your dh on antidepressants? For some people (and me) they killed my libido stone dead. I don’t know if there is a solution to this. Can he speak to his GP?

Im an introvert and not one for cuddles, but my husband was the opposite, so I made the effort. So we would sit close and hold hands while watching tv in the evening. If your husband knew that cuddling wouldn’t lead to sex do you think he might be able to make more of an effort? Maybe make a time and place for it and only then. I would also advise you buy yourself a sex toy in the meantime.

I recommend having private therapy, individually and together. It’s expensive but cheaper than divorce. I left things too late and let so much resentment build up that I’m now divorcing.

Ah you poor thing - what a combination to be coping with.

I’ve sympathy for both of you - I’m struggling through peri- and the loss of a beloved parent, I also have adhd and a side order of mild autistic traits with sensory aversions, and I’ve experienced the libido destroying effects of ADs.

I’m not much help - just hugely empathetic to you both.

Basically you are not currently able to meet each other's needs. This is a no blame situation.

So you talk to each other acknowledging that, and discuss ways you can address it within the bounds of your marriage.

Maybe for you, regular massages, spending more time with friends, or dance classes would fill that hole you have.

Maybe he'll be able to take some small steps to support you. I used to sit with my feet in DH's lap. That met my need to cuddle, in a small way at least. Sadly that was taken off the table and he sits bolt upright at the other end of the sofa now. Sigh. Maybe he'll hold your hand on walks, or let you walk arm in arm?
Have the conversation and try not to be appalled at having to ask your husband to touch you. It is what it is.

There are ways of getting by (veteran of 30years, here!).

Do you want to, though? I do. We've muddled through with lots of accommodations. It's ok. It's not amazing, but it's safe and it's enough.

Totally agree with @Badger1970 I separated from my DH over 4 years ago and have strong suspicions that he is ASD (our DS is due to be assessed over the next month). Like you I did everything, absolutely everything and I was a shell of myself by the time I told him I was done. Your DH is very unlikely to change, he's just not made the way you need him to be no matter what he tells you.

The positive here is that he is willing to go for an assessment. My ex refused to even go to counselling together as he said "there's nothing wrong with me, it's all you FMSucks" and I know he will never seek a diagnosis as he has zero self awareness.

Only you know what the right thing is for you and like you I am in peri but I'm much happier on my own going through it than the crushing disappointment and resentment of being in a one sided marriage with peri on top of it.

I wish you well OP, it is not easy xx

I don't know, it sounds like your relationship is very asymmetric. You give, he takes. You carry the family load, he looks after himself. When he's having a MH issue, you're supposed to give support, but from your own side you're supposed to pull back and not need support from him. Now you are in perimenopause and you don't have any more to give, and you kinda need to get something back, and instead you are expected to continue to give and treated like you are needy if you expect to get anything back. The timing is bad since he recently lost his mum, so maybe you shouldn't make it a big issue right now. But it doesn't sound like you can go on like this indefinitely.

I'm also in perimenopause and I think this is a time of life when it's very easy for women's self-esteem to drop. I agree with the person who said that your fertility hormones of youth, one of the things they do is give you the mental wherewithal to be very giving to family. You just put up with things because it's what the kids need or it's what your husband needs. And then menopause comes along and those hormones get taken away. You have less energy, less emotional reserve, more health problems, and at the same time people start treating you as if you are even less important than you were before. I think it's a time, frankly, when men need to step up and start giving back to the wives who spent so many years playing Support Person.

You have to use your judgement about how to handle this and maybe you shouldn't say this right now, but I don't think it would be wrong to, at some point, gently communicate that givingness in marriage is meant to be a two-way street.

@ClawedButler thankyou .. I didn’t really know what response I would get as I’m new here but your message was a comforting hug xxx Thankyou

@Badger1970 yes, I feel it’s taken me this long to realise it tbh! I think the feeling of being vulnerable myself is pretty new and has taken me by surprise as I’ve always been very self sufficient with managing my emotions and I’ve always naturally stepped in to take care of others when they are in a bit of a negative space…. most likely the ‘problem solving’ part of my adhd brain! . It’s comforting to know that this can be quite a common thing at this life stage I guess it’s just a really shitty mix of a lot of things! ! Xx

My husband is autistic he’s always been emotionally stable and had a high sex drive. I have ADHD and due to this, I have always struggled to switch off and enjoy sex on a regular basis.I also need more emotional support as I struggle to regulate my emotions.

From reading your post it sounds like you resent your husbands needs and have fallen out of love with him? Is it something you want to try and repair or is it time to move on?

@Toomanysleepycats you’ve hit the nail on the head. He upped his anti depressant dosage ( on my advice ! ) as I genuinely thought it would help so I agree that this is probably the loss of libido! After I saw your message we did chat about it and he admitted his libido has literally gone.

I’m so sorry you’ve suffered too with depression it really is the most awful thing, the power of hormones is just insane isn’t it. I’m going to check out the zero fucks thread as it all just makes sense now !

I hope your divorce isn’t too painful a process, sending hugs xx

If you don't want to leave and don't want to outsource via an affair then your options are more limited.

Put yourself and your needs first - taking care of yourself will make you more resilient when/if you need to help others. Your dh isn't in a space to support you (did he ever?) so where can you look for this instead? Counselling (work?)? Friends? Other famil? Reach out, start a sport, take up a hobby, go on a walk, anything to give you some time to focus on your needs .

@Whatsleftnow xxxx Thankyou and sending you a huge hug too what a lot you have on your plate xxx

I think it’s so hard to pick apart what is hormones, adhd , autism , your personality, environment etc. it often all works in relative harmony doesn’t it but when something is off kilter it really messes the balance up. I really hope you are ok xx

@picklemewalnuts I think you’re totally right xx I guess it’s just getting used to the shift in things and perhaps not expecting too much for now for sure. I’m going to take things one day at a time and not let my head start going into super analysis. I guess it is what it is and I don't see any alternative at present- muddling through is the o ky way to go xx

It did make me chuckle about your husband sitting bolt upright at the end of the sofa though as this happened the other night after he’d made an effort to hold my hand. xx

@FMSucks Thankyouxx I’m sorry your ex DH wasn’t able to works things through, I find that trying to get a point of view across sometimes is just too draining and you basically just give up.

It sounds like you are in a much better place now- it must have been very tough to be blamed for things when all you did was give and give. It sounds like you made100% the right decision xx Peri is bloody awful so having the headspace to deal with the challenges is going to help xx Good luck with your sons assessment, I found that my daughter thrived when she got her diagnosis and her self esteem has just grown and grown xx

@aloris everything you said makes 100% sense. We defo need support at this time in our lives! From the lovely replies I’ve had it seems obvious that this is what happens Tbh I’d never really thought of it like that but it seems like something just get switched off!

@WHEREEL I really don’t resent him and I love him to bits. I feel sad that our once lovely relationship - albeit sometimes challenging is at a point where we can’t have the emotional connection we once had. It’s no one’s fault it’s circumstance.

I’ve got ADHD too so understand the difficulties in regulating emotions, it sounds like you have a great and supportive balance in your relationship which is really lovely to hear. I think a partnership where one is autistic and the other adhd is actually a really good match as we defo understand each other , the crossover of ‘symptoms’ is actually pretty big so relating to each other can be a little easier. I guess it’s when the traits of each which are at polar opposites are exposed that it can become tricky? Again it’s no one fault but it doesn’t make it easier I guess.

Not sure about you but the added shit of peri menopause hormonal dips really affect my adhd so at times things seem possibly disproportionate but it doesn’t stop you feeling those strong emotions. I love my adhd brain most of the time but it bloody hard sometimes isn’t it? X

@ArcticSkewer Thankyou. It good to be reminded to care for myself! I’ve decided to do just that and start doing more with friends or even on my own. I think it’s adapting to how things are right now and instead of feeling upset turning it round, I’m thinking of doing a bit of cbt to try and switch up my thoughts xx