SABOTAGE !!!

[MamaOfOneMasterOfNone]

so pissed off with myself. I think I just need to get this off my chest!

im a very negative person, every situation I’m find something negative, I also have health anxiety so I always think “what’s the point I’m dying anyway” I’m sick and tired of it. I don’t need to be told how pathetic I am I ALREADY KNOW.

i come out of a 7 year toxic and abusive relationship back in June. Been seeing someone for about 6 weeks now, he’s lovely. Laid back, easy going, loving at the right times, bloody gorgeous to boot!
however, negative Nancy here is constantly looking at ways to ruin the relationship! If he doesn’t message me whilst he’s on a night shift, I go in a mood. Thinking to myself well he clearly doesn’t think of me or I look to deeply into every bloody situation, he’s not loving enough, he’s not attracted to me blah blah blah.. it’s fluffing endless in head! (I don’t say all of this to him) I’ve told him twice I don’t feel wanted, and then this morning went arsey with him because he never messaged me on a night shift. Kudos to him, he’s handled me brilliantly, taking everything in his stride. So why do I keep sabotaging us?

i don’t need to be told what a nightmare I am, or how childish this sounds I KNOW.

does anyone else do this?

any advice on how to stop this negative mindset. I hate myself honestly.

You aren't ready for a relationship, the last one which was toxic can take quite some time before you can let go and move on to the next.

Can you afford some private therapy?

A bizarre form of self-protection? So if the relationship ends you can think well I knew that would happen. Told me so.

Have a balanced life so a relationship enhances what you have not become the only thing you have. Get an alarm clock, go to bed without your phone, read uplifting fiction and find out in the morning if you get a text or not. If you don't look in the bright side you have woken up to have at least another day on this planet so make the most of it you can and try and spend as little of your precious time worrying about whether a mere man has texted you on a night shift.

I honestly wasn’t looking, wanted to heal first and then he approached me and I told myself oh it’s okay to text, talk, have a coffee etc. then I started to get feelings for him, yes it’s only been 6 weeks but I like him, I’d quite like to see where this goes.

but you’re right.. I'm obviously not ready.

I can’t unfortunately, although I think it’s what I need.

the first part really resonates with me so much! It’s like I want to say, told you so!

thank you for some advice, sounds good. How childish to even think like this 🤦🏼‍♀️

Yup, not ready. But determined to find that it's 'something wrong with you' rather than 'strong natural boundaries giving you a clear message that you need more time to recover from the past'

Thank you, you’re right. Shame really

I used to be quite like this. One thing that helped me was accepting that you can't control how you feel (angry, let down by him not texting for example) but you can control how you act on those feelings. It is constantly saying to yourself "I choose not to kick off right now because that would be unfair"

I've never been in a toxic or abusive relationship though and my standards/self esteem are very high so I would be cautious recommending to do that if you are someone with poor boundaries as you'll end up accidentally lowering your standards and accepting g poor behavior.

Well you could say it was a shame, as if it was something you were the passive victim of, or you could take responsibility for yourself, get to the bottom of why you feel this way, and get it sorted out.

Why are you negative about everything? Quite often it stems from childhood, and being made to feel that your feelings aren't worth anything, or worth having. Does that ring any bells?

It will stop when you learn to trust. You will learn to trust when you've got enough positive experiences under your belt. This can only happen when you stop acting on your negativity and creating a self fulfilling prophesy by pushing people away. So, you do what you've already started to do, you feel the feelings, but, knowing them for what they are, you control yourself and don't act on them.

It will stop when you learn to trust

I think this is true, but re learning to trust yourself. So, not beating yourself up for failings, not thinking you're pathetic, just having your own back, really. Things are a lot easier when you provide a kind safety net for yourself.

This is very true too.

@MamaOfOneMasterOfNone I found out what helped me was keeping a journal.
So everytime Negative Nancy popped up I'd write it down & think about what 'she' said & then wrote why the situation made me feel that way & counter argue the ridiculousness of NN thoughts & write down the positives.

It really helped me with the self sabotage & has been suggested by various MNetters on here.

It’s a shame. Hope you get the
help you need

You sound exactly like me op
I've ALWAYS been like this