Is this actually an apology?

[PlainBobRob]

Mother is a narcissist, we are no contact after yet again disrespecting my boundaries. She is mortified because she wants to see (one of) my children. I received this:

“Hello Bob, I am so sorry
that I have
hurt you so deeply. It was through
my ignorance
and blindness
.
I miss you
and no matter what. I will always love you.

Mum”.

I don’t know if she means it obviously, but the words seem sincere. It’s not of the crappy ‘I’m sorry you took offence’ variety.

Hope all’s ok x

Hmm. Thanks for your reply. It’s the “ignorance and blindness” that stuck out. That doesn’t ring true for me. She completely kicks through my boundaries.

If she is actually q narcissist then no. They can actually apologise and it can sound sincere. So how do you know it isn't? - because it only comes when they want something from you.

Google 'hoovering'

You'll also note she says 'ignorance'. I don't know how she treated you but - if you abuse someone for years, how can you claim ignorance?

Its the 'sorry your honour, I didn't know it was wrong to drink drive' defence. Its bullshit.

She is making òyt that it was a mistake. Mistakes that cause harm to others are learned from at the tone and not repeated. Guessing this wasn't the case.

Yes that’s the thing - she knew fine well that what she was wrong and had been told repeatedly. And had promised not to do it again. And then did it again.

Also tqking q hit of licence here but- I betting the 'no matter what, I'll always love you' actually just made you feel angry and like she was trying to tie you to her. Smothering. And like she she saying 'no matter what YOU DO you'll never escape me'. Because if she's a narcissist, that's what she really means. And your gut probably knows it.

Keep your kids away from narcissists. Good on you for protecting them.

Yes “no matter what” got up my nose. Yep haven’t done anything wrong. She has.

I’ll ignore it.

If you're no contact, and she really is narcissistic, don't let this stuff get to you. She's hoovering. It's a manipulation tool in her box. And it's half working on you, or else you wouldn't be posting.

No contact = any message is met with an eye roll, if it gets read/received at all.

Yes, she really is. I’m still consumed with “but she wiped your bum as a baby” etc and that she is my elderly mother and my children’s granny. But she has ignored me so many times about one particular issue, plus she can’t be happy for me, and projects terrible qualities on to me, and then berates me for them. It’s so confusing.

You're NC with good reason so why are you even reading it?

She owed you more as a mother than wiping your arse as a baby. And she chose to have you. You don't owe her for being born. She didn't have you for your sake. She had you for selfish reasons. As all parents do. And it looks like she wasn't much good as a mother anyway.

So stop guiltily yourself. Bad ppl don't belong in our lives. We Don't owe anyone a relationship.

Thankyou for your replies. I’ve had some time to reflect and really sit with some of the stuff that she’s done. And how it’s manifested.

I am having CBT for anxiety disorder and this is most acute when I think my partner might be pulling away and might end the relationship.

I couldn’t work out why this pushes my buttons. I love him dearly but I’m very independent of him, and we haven’t been together that long. Life would go on. But in that moment of say, an unread text message or a slightly terse conversation I go into deep anxiety. Panic, nausea, can’t think straight, edge of tears.

So I’ve worked out that this is an overreaction. I didn’t know where it had come from but today I was able (via CBT stuff) to remember when I felt the same. As a child my parents argued a LOT. My Dad was an alcoholic and they were both very volatile. I was somehow the third wheel that they would share their problems with, and I now realise that it was entirely inappropriate emotional dumping.

With regularity my mum would say that she was going to leave my dad. I was never quite sure what that meant - whether he would leave or we would, the details were not specific but she would get me to say that I would choose her. Then I’d have my dad tearfully saying “tell your mother not to leave.” I can’t have been more than 10.

I always believed her when she said it - why wouldn’t I, she was my mum - but she never followed through on it and I would be left crawling with worry whilst they would invariably make up and get along again.

So what seems to be happening now is that if I get a whiff of the slightest pulling away/needing space from my partner, I seem to feel the same panic I felt as a little girl when I thought my parents would split. It’s totally out of proportion.

Im trying so hard to make sense of all this. Does it make any sense to anyone? I’m rambling now, sorry for going on.

Maybe read up in borderline personality disorder op, incase it rings any bells. It is, I believe, more common in children of narcissistic parents.

One key symptom is an extreme fear of abandonment.

So just incase, might be worth reading up on or asking your therapist about. Unlike npd, bpd can be treated and has been shown to show great improvements via cognitive behavioral therapy.

Sounds a bit like PTSD really. Have you had any therapy?

Even if you could do a bit of grieving for that poor little 10 year old having her childhood wrecked like that. And focus then on your own security as a person now, your home, your children, your work, your friends, your partner. Even if one thing changed the other things would not. It would not be the scary unknown your mother was threatening. 💐

Thankyou - BPD doesn’t resonate with me at all but PTSD/CPTSD does.

It’s weird, it’s not quite abandonment that I fear. It’s just that pulling away seems to be processed by my brain as “end of the entire world as I know it” even when consciously it wouldn’t.