"Good on paper"

[user6384962864]

I left a very toxic relationship last year and have been quite emotionally damaged by it. In recent months I've met up with an old friend. On paper he is very good, good job, no baggage, understands my issues, kind. But he is not my usual "type" which is admittedly bad boys.
I don't know if im not attracted to him due to appearance (which makes me shallow) or because I am still putting up walls to protect myself. We have been out a few times and had fun, he wants a proper relationship ultimately. We haven't even kissed yet, I just don't know do I ignore the lack of spark and see how it goes? He is happy to wait no pressure, but I also don't want him to wait for nothing. Any advice would be appreciated
Thanks

Sorry, do you mean that you don't know whether you're attracted to him or that you're definitely not, and don't know whether that's physical or because you've got your guard up?

I don't know whether I'm not attracted to him physically, or if it's anybody does that make sense? Sorry I'm not sure if I make sense to myself!
We text most days and get on really well and have a nice time when we meet up.
Does physical attraction grow with trust?
It has been a very long time since I have had physical relations because my ExP was very rough so I recoiled at any touch in the end.
I am in therapy but we haven't broached this yet

Yes, sometimes the slow 'realization' that you are 'attracted' to someone can happen, like you've suggested, with trust.

Sometimes you don't even realize that your 'feelings' have changed/developed until they start dating someone else...and suddenly you find yourself 'upset' about it.

There doesn't need to be an instant 'spark' for a great relationship to develop, it can grow gradually over time too.

You like him, and you have fun together, so let that be enough for now ? Just tell him you want to take things very slowly, and see where you end up ?

Thank you for that.
I am really trying to change the cycle of damaging relationships and I have DC to think about now too. I've spent so long putting up barriers to protect my mental and emotional well-being that to consider putting them down is very scary!
But he knows my history, as I say I have known him for many years, and it's not scared him off yet!

Does physical attraction grow with trust?
It has been a very long time since I have had physical relations because my ExP was very rough so I recoiled at any touch in the end.

I think a sense of safety in your own skin grows with trust, and it’s hard to feel
physical attraction to anyone if you don’t have a sense of safety and sovereignty over your own body. Given your experience that may take time to grow - definitely worth exploring in therapy as our bodies “store” trauma and processing that may help restore a sense of yourself being able to trust and feel attraction without fear.

In the meantime give yourself time to get to know him, and who you might be if the context of a non-abusive relationship.

I would continue to date… but if at 6 months you don’t feel the spark. Then end it.

it’s better to remain friends.

He is actually going away with work for a few months soon which I think is a good thing - it gives me time to heal further and means no pressure

If you're type is "bad boys" then I'd work very hard at changing your type.

(Whether its a starter or non starter with this guy).

Giving it a bit more time and chance seems like a good idea.

@Jellycatspyjamas thank you for that.
I don't want to lead him on but I also don't want to potentially throw away what could be a good relationship when I learn to trust again.
When he said that he wanted a relationship I said to him at the minute I am not in a place for that emotionally or mentally and he respected that and wants to continue to chat/meet. As I say a good guy

I don't know if im not attracted to him due to appearance (which makes me shallow)

Eh, not doesn't.

Being physically attracted to somone is a vital, natural part of coupling up.

*no, it doesn't

@LemonDrop22 absolutely your right it is certainly something I am away of and I am working through. If not for me but for my children so they learn what a good relationship looks like and to try and break the cycle from me and my mother before

I am really trying to change the cycle of damaging relationships

Then stop trying to 'do the right thing'. Do what's right for you. If he asks if you're free, and you feel like seeing him, see him. If not, don't. You're not committed to anything, you're not signing up for anything, he has no place expecting anything. It's not 'wrong' to date someone, or even to have a relationship with them, and then decide it's not for you.

The right thing to do is what you feel. So, if it's nice spending time with him, do that. 'Will I fancy him this time next week/month/year' is neither here nor there. You don't need to know if you fancy him or not.

Damaging relationships are because someone doesn't say no and walk away when they feel they want to. If you know you can do that, at any moment, you feel free to do exactly as you please, rather than doing what someone else would deem to be 'right'. People have done it at the altar, so you certainly don't need to be worrying about it now.

I've spent so long putting up barriers to protect my mental and emotional well-being

What barriers did you put up, and how? The key to your issue may lie here.

What traits do the bad boys have? Typically it tends to be good looks, superficial charm, air of excitement, daring, danger and that they can look after themselves (and you) physically.
Does the good guy have these traits? If not, would you miss them, or would his good points be compensation?

As someone older, my advice would be to stay away from bad boys, not just for your kids sake but for your sake. They are arseholes on the whole. Give it time. However if you can’t get a spark or don’t feel anything when you finally do kiss (if you want to) then it’s unlikely to happen.

I’m not sure you’re ready to be dating again yet OP.

How long since you left your abusive relationship? Have you had any help processing and unpicking what you went through?